Hope Someone Has Bail $$ (FUMING)

[BillysBride]

THIS SONOFABITCHIN' MAN!

 

Ladies--I'm pissed. We got into it today about the oh so popular subject of where to spend the holiday. This time, it's the July 4th weekend, which just so happens to be a big deal to my family. I apologize for the book in advance.

 

We spent last July 4th eating tasteless food at his father's house. I LOVE my FFIL. He's a genuinely sweet and supportive man and I can't imagine having a better dad in law. With that being said, he lives in a town of approximately 800 people which is almost 2 hrs away. NONE of these things have anything to do with my reasons for wanting to spend this 4th with my family--but they definitely DO factor into my enjoyment level.

 

The holidays are always a bone of contention for us. I refuse (yes, refuse) to spend Christmas anywhere but with my mom. We do our own thing til late afternoon, then go to her place to meet all of my siblings and open more presents, so on and so forth. The reason I refuse isn't just to be a bitch. My mother is turning 70 next year. His is only turning 51. Tomorrow is not promised to ANY of us, but in the grand scheme of things, I feel relatively certain I have fewer years left with my mother than he does with his. My mom is on 13...THIRTEEN different prescription medications. HELLO? Besides, Billy's mom is in Pennsylvania...a good 9 hr car ride or a 3 hr flight away. Not an option. She comes down for a week AROUND Christmas to see all of their family that is still in the area (which is still an hour away from us). I MAKE SURE that we go up there for at least a day during this time, and she comes down to our place for a day during this time. Fair as we can get.

 

At any rate, over Memorial Day weekend (which we spent with his dad) FFIL mentions wanting us to get there EARLY on July 4. It honestly didn't hit me what he was saying til about halfway through the convo. He was assuming that we were coming, like last year. Last year was a major concession for me, and I did it out of fairness. I also made sure it was known that we would be spending THIS year with my family...Billy knew this. I chose not to cause a fuss at the moment, and wait to make sure to discuss it with Billy after we were alone. Billy then tells me I was at fault for not immediately clarifying with his dad....but that's a whole seperate issue. Today is different.

 

TODAY, he comes out of the bedroom and announces that he's going to go ahead and go up to his dad's on July 4--that he knows how I feel and he is more than willing to take the kids or just take 2 or whatever I want, but that his dad "has spent most of the last 20 yrs celebrating holidays alone, and it's not fair that every holiday we don't come". STOP THE MUTHAFUCKIN PRESS! "EVERY HOLIDAY"? Did I black out and DREAM Memorial Day weekend , July 4th weekend '08, AND about 3 other miscellaneous weekends we drove up just to spend with his dad this past year?

 

I inform him that he's exaggerating and I don't appreciate it-and then I clarify that while he is free to do as he pleases, it's only FAIR that we spend this holiday with my peeps. He immediately gets even MORE defensive, saying that it's not fair to his dad and he knew I was going to react this way. Damn skippy you knew--cuz your ass is wrong. But anyway, I tell him that his dad spent the majority of the last 20 yrs worth of holidays alone because he was a raging alcoholic who drove his wife (FI's mom) away as well as his children. THEN I point out that fact that even BEFORE ME, FI was not spending holidays with his dad for those very reasons. Now that all is golden with FFIL does not mean that ME AND MINE have something to make up to with him. I don't care how sweet he is (now).

 

Ten minutes worth of arguing later, he goes to the shower, I go to the bedroom where I cry out of sheer frustration that he does not SEE allt he concessions I make for him. He comes out, and approaches me saying "Well, I don't know what we're gonna do. We can't spend every single holiday with your folks"...further evidence that he truly doesn't see a single thing I do to accomodate him and his family, shyness, lack of interest, etc, etc. I tell him I can't even talk to him about it because I'm seeing how much he does not see the ways in which I give up things for him all the time.

 

He volunteered to go out for some stuff at that point, so he's gone now.

 

He THINKS that I don't want to go up there becuase the town is so small, and I'm uncomfortable being LITERALLY the only speck of color within a fifty mile radius. IF that were true, I'd be WELL within my rights to FEEL uncomfortable, but that's not it. Fair is fair and THIS July 4 was promised to me as being spent with my family who missed me and my kids HORRIBLY last year and vice versa. It's nothing to his family. His dad has his sister and her kids over, they cook out, but it's literally not a big deal. My family makes an entire day of it, complete with new outfits for every child, sparklers, caravan trips to see the fireworks..the whole nine. If I were being a bitch, I'd be saying "it's more important to my family than it is to yours, so I'm NEVER spending a 4th up there." but that's not me at all. This one was MINE and he doesn't get why I'm so upset that HE is choosing to either SPLIT the family in two and go our seperate ways for the day, or just not come with us..HIS FUTURE WIFE AND CHILDREN.

[ErinB]

Oh honey, I know how you feel. Splitting holidays is really hard for us because my parents are divorced. So I was used to and it was easy to alternate holidays with 2 sets of parents, throwing a 3rd in really messes things up!

 

I'm guessing there is some other issue. I don't know what, but usually when boys freak out is about something totally unrelated. Did B have a rough week at work or something?

 

We have decided that we will spend every Thanksgiving with DH's family because it is a big deal for them and every Christmas here with my family. The one year I conceded and went back to KS for X_mas was the year my grandmother died, leaving my mom completely by herself. We both cried the whole week. I vowed NEVER AGAIN after that. The other holidays we just rotate. One year here and one year there. Of course I'd rather be with my family but since we have a plan, I know that I won't get stuck going every year.

 

Is there any way FFIL would go to your family's celebration?

[BillysBride]

Thanks Erin- my mom has nearly BEGGED FFIL to come to ours...everytime. Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving...everything. But the social anxiety gene B was born with clearly came from him. B has actually gotten a lot better with time....FFIL just isn't used to it and probably won't ever come enough to GET used to it.

 

He did come for an hour last Christmas....well, about an hour. Then he beat feet outta there, and I know it was only because he was here Christmas Eve with us and the kids and it would have seemed SO ass-hat'ish to cut and run as soon as we got ready to go to mom's. He did that the year before:) Ugh!

 

I know I gotta make concessions...I know that. I DO that. But some stuff, I just can't budge on. A deal is a deal and this is important to me.

 

Who KNOWS what else is factoring into this. I think FI has it in his head that he's been bullied too much or some lunatic crap like that. NOTHING has been going on, so it's likely male PMS. You know how they get-- you decide to watch Lifetime and not give up his recliner one night, and suddenly his very manhood is put into question. Sickening.

[Kat81]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ErinB Is there any way FFIL would go to your family's celebration?

I was thinking the same thing. If it is only FFIL and FSIL, maybe they could come spend it with your family? Or maybe you could have a few holidays at your house and invite both sides?? This is a messed up situation for so many people. Lucky for me my Inlaws live in Canada and it isn't quite as easy for us to fly up there and see them for holidays.

[Jessica]

Ugh. That sounds rough. I can see why you would be frustrated. From what I'm hearing it's not even so much about the actual holiday (although I know that is a factor) as much as the fact that you and Billy had a deal (seemingly) that this year 4th of July would be with your family and he not only ignores the deal but choses to pursue splitting up the family even though he knows this is upsetting to you.

 

We tend to alternate big holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas, Easter - even though Brian and I don't celebrate Easter) every year and stuff like Memorial Day, 4th of July etc, we just spend alone. Since the 4th of July is a big deal for your family I can see why you would want to take the kids to that (hell, even I want to go, sounds like fun!). I'm not quite sure what the solution would be to resolve the 4th of July arrangements but maybe this whole situation is a good opportunity for you guys to at some point discuss a plan for holidays and come to a final agreement on how to handle holidays. Whether it be alternating every year or having set holiday's you spend with with certain families (ie. Christmas with yours, Thanksgiving with his), etc.

[Jessica]

Ugh. That sounds rough. I can see why you would be frustrated. From what I'm hearing it's not even so much about the actual holiday (although I know that is a factor) as much as the fact that you and Billy had a deal (seemingly) that this year 4th of July would be with your family and he not only ignores the deal but choses to pursue splitting up the family even though he knows this is upsetting to you.

 

We tend to alternate big holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas, Easter - even though Brian and I don't celebrate Easter) every year and stuff like Memorial Day, 4th of July etc, we just spend alone. Since the 4th of July is a big deal for your family I can see why you would want to take the kids to that (hell, even I want to go, sounds like fun!). I'm not quite sure what the solution would be to resolve the 4th of July arrangements but maybe this whole situation is a good opportunity for you guys to at some point discuss a plan for holidays and come to a final agreement on how to handle holidays. Whether it be alternating every year or having set holiday's you spend with with certain families (ie. Christmas with yours, Thanksgiving with his), etc.

[BillysBride]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jessica Ugh. That sounds rough. I can see why you would be frustrated. From what I'm hearing it's not even so much about the actual holiday (although I know that is a factor) as much as the fact that you and Billy had a deal (seemingly) that this year 4th of July would be with your family and he not only ignores the deal but choses to pursue splitting up the family even though he knows this is upsetting to you. We tend to alternate big holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas, Easter - even though Brian and I don't celebrate Easter) every year and stuff like Memorial Day, 4th of July etc, we just spend alone. Since the 4th of July is a big deal for your family I can see why you would want to take the kids to that (hell, even I want to go, sounds like fun!). I'm not quite sure what the solution would be to resolve the 4th of July arrangements but maybe this whole situation is a good opportunity for you guys to at some point discuss a plan for holidays and come to a final agreement on how to handle holidays. Whether it be alternating every year or having set holiday's you spend with with certain families (ie. Christmas with yours, Thanksgiving with his), etc.

This is exactly the problem.

I swear. He comes in and I attempt to drop things back a notch--even extend an olive branch telling him he is truly welcome to do whatever he feels comfortable doing because if he feels that strongly about being with his dad, and seeing as how this is NOT a "big" holiday to them, he should go for it. Go on up there and spend it with his father.

You guys know what? It's almost like he didn't hear me. Then when it finally starts to penetrate, he starts in on wanting to take the kids or a couple of the kids. Umm...no. A.) part of my point about getting the time with my mom is the kids. She is the ONLY grandparent they have left on my side. She's it. She didn't get them last 4th--not doin it to her again. He wants to go, fine. The kids weren't part of the deal. It's like I give him what he wants, and not only does he continue to argue with me as if he doesn't HEAR me giving him what he wants, BUT he ups the ante by asking for something else!

I'm just not even in the mood to talk to him right now. He was being completely unreasonable and taking me a few places I really don't want to be when I'm already drained. So I'm calling a cease fire and retreating to my neutral corner. When someone gets that way with me (unreasonable and unrelenting) I just want to start screaming and throw something (preferably my fist), so it really is better that I just leave things be and perhaps revisit the issue tomorrow.

[KimmyG]

Sorry to hear about the frustrating situation. My FI and I are still working out the holiday kinks on our side so I really don't have any good advice to offer. What if you guys spent the weekend before or after the 4th with FFIL? Would that help things, to offer to bring the family up for a cookout and some bonding time with him? If it's a big holiday for your family I agree with you that it should be a priority to spend it with your crew.

[ACDCDCAC]

yuck savannah, that does not sound like fun. it's been a bit of a trial and error process over the years for us too but I think over the last year we've finally gotten it down to a science! the biggest thing we have trouble with is because dougs 2 kids are my mom, dad, and stepmoms only grandkids, and also the only grandkids for dougs ex's family, so we have trouble sharing them!

 

we have to go all wonky with the holidays, like we actually celebrate Christmas eve and Christmas with my mom a night/day early, and my dad a week before. then we sometimes get them Christmas eve but usually get them back after Christmas morning to go to dougs family that day. thanksgiving is almost as convoluted except I have never spent turkey day with my dads side so that takes out one facet!

 

so anyways sorry I've got no great advice for ya but I just wanted you to know you're not alone!!!!!

 

{{hugs}} mama!!

[BillysBride]

Here's another thought...well, a theory.

 

His hours got changed a few weeks ago, along with the management at his job. This on the heels of his being laid off for 3 months at the beginning of the year..things have been in flux, a LOT and he's been home during hours he would not normally be. I think we're just on each other's nerves. Too much wakeful hour togetherness....seriously. I know I love him more than my next breath, but serious...I could use a break and he has got to be feeling it too. It's not natural. Add to that the fact that our main source of transportation is in the shop til next week. Yup...pseudo-car less since the only other one driveable is in use at his dad's (long story). It's been rough. We can't go out as a family because its the minivan thats in the shop.

 

Plus, while I live, eat, and breathe wedding crap as an outlet, he doesn't have that mental "escape". Well, there's Playstation, but...I doubt it works the same. The more I think on it, the more I honestly think it goes back to the two of us just plain on each other's nerves, which is fine. It's happened before. It's supposed to happen. Its the mind's way of saying "you can love someone, but being joined at the hip is not a natural existence." lol It should get better in exactly ten days....thats when the changeover will be done and things will settle down into more normal hours instead of this here, there crap during set up. Til then, I'm going to do my best to plan some stuff maybe give us something to look forward to when we're finally sprung. And pray that it works--or else theres going to be bloodshed.