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#11 Vikki

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    Posted 02 June 2009 - 10:19 PM

    Your friend was wrong to lie to you about not coming. Especially since you've already put money into her role in the wedding. That was a really unfair thing for her to do.

    I'm sorry to be the dissenting opinion here but DW's are expensive. And it's really not fair to judge her concern about expenses by saying she has no bills to pay or that her boyfriend is practically rich. She may not have bills but if she's in school she may not have a huge bank account either and expecting someone to spend a significant amount of their savings or go into debt for your wedding is asking a lot. If she's as close a friend as it sounds like she has been to you it's hard to imagine she'd just decide on a whim not to come and blow you off. Is it possible she promised to come before she realized what the commitment was going to be and was so afraid of disappointing or upsetting you that she just didn't tell you. (Which is really NOT cool on her part). There is often pressure on wedding attendants to put on parties or give gifts and that can be time intensive and expensive and she may be feeling a little stressed about that.

    Again - I'm not trying to tell you you're wrong for being upset, I would be hurt and angry too but it just seems like some of your assumptions about the reason for her decision are unfair. She should never have led you on about coming and she does owe you more of an explanation that a text message saying "sorry" but if she's really your best friend I can't believe she would just walk away with no reason.

    Regardless of her being there or not you will be a radiant bride and have a beautiful wedding, surrounded by people you love with the man of your dreams waiting for you at the end of the aisle.

    #12 Christine

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    Posted 03 June 2009 - 07:46 AM

    I understand you being dissapointed but honestly letting a good friendship go because she can't make it to your wedding I think might be a little harsh. I agree with Vikki, when I was a student I did not have disposible income to go to Jamaica. Since most of our friends or family were not going to be able to make it to Jamaica we actually changed our plans to get married closer to home which allowed most of our friends/family to attend. I am not saying change your plans, but if you choose a DW you have to be understanding that many of the people you want to attend might not be able to.
    Also you mentioned she is giving you no reason, she has clearly given you a reason, they are trying to buy a house.
    I think you should be dissapointed but you should not be livid or angry. I also think you should speak to her and be honest with her and tell her you are really sad she won't be there to share your special day, but in no way should you harbor your anger and make your relationship tense.
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    #13 JOSIE

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      Posted 03 June 2009 - 09:23 AM

      I would be furious too. I cannot even imagine how I'd react. My first reaction in reading the story is there has to be something else behind it. Are you sure there is nothing else going on with your friendship, or the FI's relationship with your BF's boyfriend? Are you sure she just isnt feeling completely jealous and disappointed or depressed? I had similar issues with a friend and I approached it like this.... (I had to take my anger out, and focus on my FEELINGS")

      I said "__her name here___, I am crushed to find this out. I've known you forever and never in our relationship has anything like this happened. Is there something else going on here, because it is just not YOU to miss this"

      basically just completely play the vicitim (which is hard because you said they wont talk about it, but keep trying, try to get your friend alone). just be really sad and depressed and act like this is not her at all, and ask for an explanation....explain your feelings.

      If, in the end, they still do not come, at least you have closure and you expressed all your feelings and she was forced to give any sort of explanation. Its better than never "not knowing" and If I were you I would never be able to let it go.

      It sounds like to me, something else is going on with her!

      I'm so sorry this happened to you!!! Best of luck, keep us posted!!!!!!
      11.28.2009

      #14 boscobel

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        Posted 03 June 2009 - 09:24 AM

        I ditto to Vikki and Christine. Sometimes as brides, we get way to wrapped up in our weddings that we forget that the people around us have lifes too. Buying a house is a big deal and it's probably something that she would want your support/excitment with, just as you want it with your wedding. Take a few days off the friendship to cool down and take a step back, but I think you'll see that she has valid concerns.

        I lost my 4 longest/best friends from the JA part of my wedding. All due to different reasons, mostly kids and cost, they just couldn't make it work. I was REALLY disappointed. Even for a while I thought, wow, I see how much I mean to them. But time and actions have shown that I DO really matter to them! They just couldn't make it work for Jamaica. Even if they do have money in savings, they may have plans for it (buying a house), but whatever their plans are, it's their decision and it doesn't necessarily mean that they don't care about you. There just comes a time in a persons life where they have to think responsibly about their own lifes. Not going into debt to attend a friends DW is a pretty smart move if they can't afford it.

        I am really sorry that you are so upset over it, but I have no doubts that she feels just as bad for missing your wedding.

        Oh, and I would def tell her and her bf/fi/whatever, that they will owe you for whatever money you have put out as this point since they backed out of the plans. Not sure that you will ever see the money, but I do believe that it's their responsibility, since they are the ones breaking plans.

        #15 Amarillis

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          Posted 03 June 2009 - 10:35 AM

          Carly, Vikki, and Christine, your advice speaks volumes.

          I too believe it is not our place to judge our friends, or make assumptions about thier bank accounts.

          I do agree though that what your friend did was pretty $h"tt*.... being that you had already purchased and paid for the bridesmaid dresses. It is nice that you have found a stand in replacement (however I don't really think that was necessary - as the sides don't really have to be balanced) to fill the shoes of your friend that cannot be there.

          However, I do not think that this is cause for dissolving a life long friendship. Yes, you are upset now... but in time as things cool off -- you may be seeking your BFF once again. Trust me from experience. Sometimes doing/saying things in haste, is exactly that; hasty.

          Best of luck.

          #16 YoursTruly

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            Posted 03 June 2009 - 10:55 AM

            Best of luck Amber Lynn--I think the girls have summarized it all nicely and I will just add that for the simple fact that she is blowing you off speaks to something going on with he because I can't imagine a BFF being that rude intentionally. This situation may allow you to see what is really going on and in the end determine if she remains as close of a friend or not. Just take time to think ut through and by all means DEMAND your money back.

            #17 DanielleNDerek

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              Posted 03 June 2009 - 02:01 PM

              Amber i know your really upset that your friend isnt coming but try to be forgiving and not assume she doesnt have a good reason not to go. Yes she definately didnt handle the situation well by avoiding the question and than telling you by text but she was probably really upset that's she's going to miss one of her best friend's weddings and i'm sure she was afraid to dissappiont you. But i'm sure she has a valid reason, i know your close friends but that doesnt mean you know everything about her financial situation. I dont tell my best friend about my finances, i'm sure she thinks i'm rolling in dough but in reality i'm living paycheck to paycheck. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings but i know your wedding is your top priority to you right now but to her i'm sure buying a house with her bf is her top priority. Buying a house is a huge deal and very costly. I didnt really realize how much all the little bills really add up until i sat down with my bf (at the time) and was shocked at how much a house really costs.

              Having people back out is a part of having a DW. I had people who were "definately going, no way were they missing even if they had to call out sick from work everyday" not come. It happens all the time to girls. It sucks but you just gotta get past it and move on. Try to forgive your friend. I know it hurts she's missing your big day but i'm sure it hurts her not being able to go too. Maybe she'll make it up to you and be a lot of help with the planning process.
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              #18 LCBride2007

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                Posted 03 June 2009 - 05:54 PM

                Quote:
                Originally Posted by amberlynne87
                They have only been together for like six months. I've been with my fiance for 6 years!!! I understand you want a life together and all but come on a house?? land How does that stop you from being a part of the most important event in my life?
                Wow. Really? Take a step back. I know your wedding is important, but these two are trying to plan their life together, make some smart financial decisions, and you're upset about that? If I had a friend that was trying to save to buy a house w/someone she loves, and was thinking about spending it on my wedding instead - I'd tell her not to.

                I know your wedding day is important to you, of course. And I am sure it is important to your friend too. But put it into perspective - it's one day. And it's an expensive day! Your friends are choosing to spend that money on a long term investment instead. Sounds pretty smart to me. I'd hope that as a good friend, you'd understand and while you'd miss her at your wedding - you'd be excited for her future.

                #19 zethers

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                  Posted 03 June 2009 - 06:17 PM

                  I don't know...I'm torn. I think it's true that perhaps they have a good reason for not attending, and maybe you will be able to forgive them for that, BUT you can't forgive someone who doesn't apologize. A true friend would have had a long heart to heart with you, been super apologetic, and tried to be there for you through everything else that didn't involve financial responsibility. You would have been sad and bummed, but not mad. At least that's what I think.

                  It hurts when people you think we're going to go, don't, but it's one thing when they call or come by and visit and tell you what's going on, it's another when they totally blow you off and think it's not a big deal. The true friends realize how important this is to you, and give it the attention it deserves.

                  I agree with the other ladies and just tell her how you feel, lay it all out in person. Perhaps you will find a very valid reason behind her not attending, and you will feel better. Perhaps you will find out she wasn't the true friend you thought she was, and you can move on with your dream wedding.

                  Either way, keep your head up, and enjoy the planning and your wedding. The most important person will be there, and at the end of the day, he's all that should matter.

                  Good Luck, keep us posted.

                  #20 amberlynne87

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                    Posted 03 June 2009 - 09:32 PM

                    I totally understand what you guys are saying and getting at, but I have left a lot of details out of my posting simply because I could go on forever. It is hard for you to understand completely where I am coming from without knowing everything. But anyway they have been together for 7 months and they want to get land and buy a house? She even said herself she doesn't want to buy land or a house until after she is done school which wont be for another 6 years!! She isn't in school right now and doesn't start until March. Her grandparents are paying for her schooling anyway and they also pay for her car and car insurance, her cell phone bill, everything. She only has to pay for gas to put in the car. She literally has no bills. And like I said they both knew exactly how much they would have to pay to go, long before this incident happened and she had already saved up money for it. They made a commitment to go to our wedding. They said "no matter what". And I am not making any assumptions about anything I know these things because we were such good friends that we pretty much told each other everything about everything. We were inseparable. They each have enough money to pay for both of them to go. He has an exceptionally well paying job. This past Sunday they both were still saying yeah we are going and then on Monday they suddenly decided to say we are not going for sure. I just offered to pay for them to go and they still said NO without reason. And I will judge her and will end our friendship because of this. I tried to talk to her about it today and she wouldn't have any of it. i told her how I was feeling and she acted as if nothing was wrong with anything. Clearly they are not true friends and I don't plan on being at either of their weddings. Seriously, why wouldn't you go to your best friends' wedding when they were just offered a free trip?? They don't have a reason for anything. They can't even talk about it. Everything just gets blown off. Everything I offer isn't good enough and they still say no we can't go it's not happening. We have a friend who lets face it is not smart with money and blows money on everything he can get his hands on to. He barely has any money at all and he put a deposit down and is saving what money he has to go.

                    AND I found out that she "my best friend" wasn't telling her boyfriend, my fiance's best friend that I was offering to pay. She kept telling me that he wouldn't answer her and that she told him all this stuff but he still says no. Well my fiance talked with him on the phone and he said she never mentioned anything. So obviously someone is lying here. He was supposed to talk to her about it and work it out and he called to say nope we're not going.

                    Over 9years of friendship, we were practically sisters, and the most important day of my life isn't a good enough reason for her to be there for me.




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