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checking someone's email - advice please!


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#11 *HOLLY*

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    Posted 28 May 2009 - 05:12 PM

    Ill jump out there and say I have checked an ex's email and also found out he was cheating. I agree with not emailing her anymore and end the friendship. No one in there right mind should be a friend like that. Since she is your MOH I would call or write her a letter not an email stating you no longer want her in your wedding and you want to part ways. Good luck! However I see you are roommates so that is a toughy....That overall is just a bad atmosphere. Can you move-in with someone else and pay rent till your lease is up?

    #12 Vikki

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      Posted 28 May 2009 - 05:20 PM

      I'm going out on a limb here but could you just 'fess up? You're going to carry this weird guilty feeling around for a long time and it's going to eat at you, even if your relationship disolves completely you'll still have that monkey on your back. And...if something changes and the relationship turns around for the better guess what....monkey's still there.

      I guess my point is if your going to feel so bad about what you suspected, what you did and how you feel now you might consider clearing your conscious. It may blow up and make you look bad but eventually that will all blow over where as guilt can eat at you forever and if you do slip up and say something and get caught you'll look even worse.

      It sucks. I've been tempted to do this before and did actually read an ex's notebook one time when I was younger-found out what I suspected then didn't know what to do with all the information that I couldn't confront him with. It ended badly.

      So good luck, keep us posted.

      #13 McToasty

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        Posted 28 May 2009 - 06:11 PM

        wow that's *really* weird babe.. i'm like you - even if it's something bad, i'd rather know. what a sh*tty situation to be in before your wedding!!! and you've been best friends for so long! i'd be devastated. as the other BDW have suggested, be very cautious if you're gonna use her as your MOH, otherwise just make up some lame-o excuse and get a friend you can trust to be your MOH. you don't want anything to sabotage that day! do update on what you decide to do!

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        #14 Yari

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          Posted 28 May 2009 - 06:23 PM

          You are in a pickle!

          I think you should confront her. I am not one to push my feelings in and act like nothing has happened. Nonetheless, whatever you decide to do is going to be hard. Shit your roommates too, yikes. I am so sorry.

          #15 dear tulip

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            Posted 28 May 2009 - 07:19 PM

            oh .. checking other's emails... I did it ONCE too, and that was enoug tough. I checked my ex's email cuz I smelled something; and I found that he cheated on me ... it was so hurtful to see that he wrote exactly the same thing to this girl as to me. Needless to say, we broke up.

            If I were you Josie, I'd just stop seeing / talking to her. I probably won't pick an arguement but she's not the kind of friend I want!

            #16 emme

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              Posted 28 May 2009 - 07:45 PM

              Hmmmm...that's a lot to walk away from...MOH, a life-long best friend, a roommate, a family friend. You two certainly have history.

              I'm a bit of a pushover and give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Is there any "reason" that she is emailing lies? Is there something going on with her (ie. jealous of your upcoming wedding, sad you're moving out, etc...) that would make her be "this" girl? If there is more to it, maybe you just need a heart to heart with your best friend.

              Above everything...be honest with her. Checking her email was wrong but letting this go any further is even more wrong.

              That's my opinion :)
              Hope it helps...
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              #17 BillysBride

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                Posted 28 May 2009 - 11:30 PM

                Again..rebel without a clue here. lol

                Umm...HELL nah you weren't wrong. And ya wanna know how I know that? Because of what you found. Yea, you shouldn't have done it, but sometimes, I'm sorry-but the ends justify the means when it's something like being stabbed in the back. You didn't boil any puppies or sacrifice a live virgin here. You got sneaky with someone who has been LYING in your name, behind your back for probably a long time. Who KNOWS what kind of damage this person could do/has done to your reputation amongst people you may actually care about? And people like that certainly aren't about to be real with you simply because you ask.

                So I'm sorry, I'm not about to go the virtuous route and tell you "oh, for shame...you got what you deserved" You were getting something you did NOT deserve by being left in the dark about what this person was doing. I'm sure you'll have to pay in some ways for having been underhanded about the methods you used to get the info, but it's still good that you know so that you can give this fool the heave ho out of your life and get that knife out of your back.

                I'd rather be known for having done something sneaky for a damn good reason and OWN that transgression, than to be known for things I didn't do, nor say all because someone I thought was a friend was lying about me.

                Oh, and p.s-- feel guilty about WHA? I'd sleep like a baby and have good dreams to boot. Feeling guilty about this would be like feeling guilty about sneaking a peek around the curtain in the examination room and seeing the doctor putting arsenic in the syringe before he plunged it into your arm. Sometimes, ya gotta peek to save yourself. Clearly, your gut was telling you something for damn good reason.
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                #18 becks

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                Posted 29 May 2009 - 08:09 AM

                You've gotten some good advice from most everyone. And this is tough. It's never a good idea to look at someone's e-mail, but I understand why you did it. But honestly, if you have a hunch that someone is jerking you around, you're probably right. Be that as it may...

                First talk to your parents, since they know all of the stakeholders in this. Let them know what's going on and get their perspective. It's surprising how good parents often are with this stuff.

                Then, I'd turn the tables. I'd tell her that you had "concerns". That things are getting back to you that simply don't add up and you feel like maybe she's sharing things with people that you thought were between the two of you, and when she's doing it, she's not really telling the whole story. Tell her it's really causing you concerns - keeping you up at night, giving you cause to question your friendship, wondering if maybe you've simply grown in different directions, etc. Then see what she says. I'm betting on more lies, but let her dig her own grave. Don't stop her, don't tell her that you know the "truth". And when she's done, tell her you appreciate her comments and are going to think on it a bit. Give it a few days and see what comes back to you from friends. Chances are that she'll spin it again and not learn her lesson.

                At that point, you can go to her again and say, "Gee, roomie, our mutual friend just told me that you said blah-blah-blah and that was so far from the truth. I just don't know if we can remain friends if you're going to treat me this way" or whatever. Let her feel the consequences of her actions.

                It sounds like you've got good instincts. If the relationship is important to you and you want it to work out, give her the chance to see the error in her ways and stop her behaviors. If she doesn't, at least you tried, and you can walk away with your head up.

                Good luck, hon! Big hugs!

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                #19 RoryS

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                  Posted 29 May 2009 - 08:28 AM

                  Some people are just compulsive liars. It gets to a point where they don't even know they're lying anymore - it becomes the truth to them in their minds. My SIL is like that. She lies about almost everything and then turns around and makes it look like I'm the crazy one! I've just learned to distance myself from her and I don't tell her anything PERSONAL about me AT ALL. This way, nothing can get spun into her own little "truthful" story. She has absolutely zero friends - she always finds something wrong with them - or this one said this or did that, when it's really stuff that she's come up with and convoluted. The sad thing is, her daughter is exactly like her.

                  #20 lgarner83

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                    Posted 29 May 2009 - 08:30 AM

                    All I know is that 20 years dowbn the road, are you going to look at your wedding pictures and wish she had never been a part of the biggest day of your life? It honestly sounds like she isn't MOH worthy! If it were me, I would say something like, we really need to talk, when is a good time for you?? (so she doesn't have any excuse to get up and leave in the middle of the conversation) And just say something like: "rumour has it that not only are you spreading lies about me, but you are also forwarding my emails out? What is going on?" And take it from there. When she denies it, state calmly, "I know that it's true, and we need to get to the bottom of this before I can trust we can go on as friends and that you can continue on as my MOH"




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