Will I be a bridezilla if...

JaimeLynne · May 15, 2009

I'd also like to add that I have completely paid for my hairdresser/makeup artist's (who is also a family friend) trip. She's known for being a bit flaky (totally ADD!) but I just took the chance because she could not have afforded otherwise. She could have totally backed out on me after the Swine Flu, but in the end she did not! And we ended up much closer No way would I have ever made her sign a contract! And she's doing my hair/makeup! I cherish her friendship much more than the money I would have lost - it would have hurt but we could've talked about it and at least saved our relationship!

Don't do it! That is my bottom line advice. Take the risk if you can, if you can't then do not offer it. Also talk with each of them separately and find out if they really can afford it. And remember, things do change - people lose their jobs, strange illnesses (*cough* swine flu *cough*) arise, etc. etc. etc.!

BachataBride · May 15, 2009

Quote:

Originally Posted by TA Maureen

I think you should have a get together or send out an email and let all BM's know what you would like to do for them in appreciation for them being in your wedding. Let them know however that because of this you would like to know if everyone is really commited to making the trip or if they foresee any circumstances that may prevent them from going.

Exactly. Just talk to your friends...don't treat them like a business associate.Or like I said before...don't pay for anything until you get them down there...reimburse them! That will solve all issues!! If you don't want to do this then take a chance on your friends...more than likely you will not be disappointed.

Also, if you hold such a grudge towards your friend for sticking you with an expensive dress & matching shoes then why is she in your bridal party anyway?? It seems you have issues with her...(maybe not...that's just how you portray it!)

Please do not get insulted or feel threatened when you don't get the answers you were looking for. That's what is so great about this forum...you get HONEST answers/opinions from other brides!

Good luck!

GracieBebe · May 15, 2009

Quote:

Originally Posted by BachataBride

don't pay for anything until you get them down there...reimburse them! That will solve all issues!! If you don't want to do this then take a chance on your friends...more than likely you will not be disappointed.

That's a great idea! That way, you won't be out any money for those who could not attend and you still give them the gift you want by paying for things (even if it's after the fact).

We are providing accommodations for all of our guests and we did not ask anyone to sign a contract. If they can't go, then oh well. We just asked that they let us know ahead of time (before we sent out invites) so that if they can't make it, we filled their room with someone else who does want to go and it still gives them time to save up for airfare. Now, I know that's different from the wedding party, but we're still putting up a lot of $$$ for every single one of our guests (we booked the entire place and the place has 14 bedrooms), so we wanted to fill as many of the rooms as we can. But we would never have dreamed of asking them to sign a contract. Best of luck!

Sammygurlj · May 16, 2009

I can understand your concern given your prevoius experience in your friends wedding. That was a really crappy thing for her to do to you.

Now you asked what you should do and my answer to that is:

Talk to the people you want in your bridal party, explain to them that you want them there, tell them you know it is a lot to ask and you understand if they can't do it and give them some time to make a decision.

Your wedding is a year away so there is no reason to rush into getting BM dresses right now. Give them some time to make their decision and make deposits on the trip. When it gets closer to time to get the BM dresses you should have an answer about who is committed to coming and who is not.

The biggest thing is to talk to them, don't pressure them, just talk to them about whether or not they can really come.

Most people will assume that, being a BM, they will have to buy the dress and such. It is a very common practice. Don't tell them you are paying for it, leave that as a surprise for when it is time to buy it. As for paying for their rooms, maybe that is something you could work out with your TA, that way your friend would make whatever deposits are needed and when the rest of the payment is due you would give the TA the remaining balance. That way if they were to back out you haven't paid anything for it.

I'm not sure about the whole photographer thing. Are you paying more for them to do the extra pictures for you?

Christy335 · May 16, 2009

My favorite money guru and author of Total Money Makeover, Dave Ramsey, always says not to give a gift if you can't afford it. If you offer a gift to your bridesmaids (which is what this would be) but you will be financially hurt if they don't "repay" you by standing in your wedding, then you can't afford to give that gift.

Imagine giving someone an i-phone (or other gift of similar cost as what you are giving your BMs) for their birthday and including a contract inside the birthday card that says they agree to answer when you call, they have a 20 minute window to return text messages, they must attend your birthday party when it comes, and they have to get you a comprable gift when the time comes. You wouldn't do that. (I'm guessing.)

If you aren't considering this financial contribution as a gift, and more as a business deal, then you can probably hire rent-a-bridesmaids that would appreciate the discounted vacation, a free wedding reception, and whatever else you are providing and will agree to your contract requests.

I think you need to ask yourself why it is important to you that they be there. I am asking my BMs because I want them to know what they mean to me, and I am looking at it as a position of honor, not a duty I am hiring them to perform. I have no expectations of my BMs. I know my friends, and I know that they will want to (in fact they will be excited to) help with making my wedding go smoothly. However, if they didn't lift one finger to help me, and they ended up not being able to make it, they would still know that I loved them enough to ask them to take a position of honor in my wedding.

The gifts I am giving my BMs are not "payment" for showing up and being in my pictures. They are another representation of my appreciation for their friendship. Conversely, the costs they pay as being part of my wedding are representative of their love for me.

If I pay for my BMs dresses, that is my gift to them, whether they use it or not. Has anyone ever given you a gift that you didn't use? (Like that ugly sweater Aunt Edna gave you last Christmas.) You are in no way obligated to use a gift.

Like I said above, if you can't afford to take the hit on an unused gift, then you can't afford to give that gift. This may be an unpopular opinion, but this theory also applies to your situation with your friend's wedding. If you couldn't afford to buy the BM dress and shoes and whatever else you paid for, then you couldn't afford it. That was your gift to her. Hopefully she appreciated it, but not everyone appreciates every gift we give them. You can't control that, and if it upsets you, then you shouldn't give the gift in the first place. (I am of course assuming that she didn't hold a gun to your head and force you to pay for those items.) (Also, yes, I probably would have been annoyed at the situation, but I wouldn't hold it against her for 5 years.)

Finally, you are not obligated to ask anyone to be in your wedding. (Best friends since kindergarten or not.) If you think that she (or any of your other BMs) won't be a reliable BM, then why honor her with such a position?

I am honestly not trying to "lay into" you. I am hoping that this way of looking at the situation will shed some new light on the subject for you. Of course, ultimately, it is your decision. We all come to this forum to ask for advice. We don't always take the advice that is given. I'm sure each of us has even read something someone offered as advice and thought, "no way, I wouldn't do it that way." And that's the beauty of the forum. There's lots of great (and maybe some not so great) ideas floating around and we get to pick and choose which ones we want to use for our own weddings.

Ayita · May 16, 2009

My first reaction is... wow ! And what are you going to do if they accept to sign the contract, but don't honor it and not refund you ? Sue them ? (and spend the same money and much more in lawyers fees ?)

A contract is only worth what you're willing to do with it... I would think twice before asking to sign a contract, that is I think kind of inappropriate as you are not in business with them. If they are your friends, and they should be since they are in your party, I would simply explain to them what I'm doing for them and tell them that you would expect a refund if they did not come.

That would have the advantage of first, staying in a friendy / trustworthy relationship, second, allow them to say no if they did not want to, and third, you would not risk to lose your friends over a (useless I think) piece of paper.

~Nicole~ · May 16, 2009

I agree with the other ladies. Asking to sign a contract screams bridezilla to me and I would probably back out of your wedding party. Basically you're saying that you only want them to be in your wedding party if they do ABC, otherwise hit the road! It may not be what you're trying to say to them, but that's how it comes across and I would be deeply offended if I was your friend. Basically you're saying that if they don't follow what I'm asking of you, I'm bringing you to court! I could never imagine in a million years suing a friend.

I hope you reconsider. Just my opinion, not to offend. I'm simply offering advice. Good luck!

pvbeachbride10 · May 16, 2009

Christy - very well put! I agree with the ladies. I am sure you'll make the right decision.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Christy335