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New Office Policy (lol)


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#1 CourtneyV

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    Posted 24 May 2007 - 03:28 PM

    I got this forward today from a friend and I just couldn't resist sharing!!

    NEW OFFICE POLICY

    Dress Code:
    You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

    If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.


    Sick Days:
    We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If You are able to go to the doctor; you are able to come to work.


    Personal Days:
    Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.


    Bereavement Leave:
    This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary; the funeral should be scheduled in The late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
    subsequently leave one hour early.


    Bathroom Breaks:
    Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under The "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.


    Lunch Break:
    Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their very average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

    The Management
    Happily Married since May 9, 2008
    Proud Mama to Evelyn Eileen since June 8, 2010

    #2 MikkiStreak

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      Posted 24 May 2007 - 03:30 PM

      I've seen this one before and it's one of my favorites----

      Here's a perfect example of this mentality in our office---- our owners drive a Hyundai. Why, you ask Because they feel that if they drive anything more associated to their income bracket (BMW/Hummer/Lexus/etc...), the employee's will start asking for raises....

      And, yes, that means, we don't get raises. Ever. Not even cost of living increases. You make the same when you're hired as you do when you retire.

      #3 JaimeLynne

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        Posted 24 May 2007 - 03:38 PM

        Hahaha, that's a good one.

        ~ Jaime & Martin ~
        "Rain or Swine! 2-0-0-9"

        We had 24 people attend our wedding in Las Caletas, Mexico on May 24th, 2009!

        We all stayed at The Marriott in P.V., and Honeymooned at The Royal Plantation in Ochos Rios, Jamaica!


        #4 JaimeLynne

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          Posted 24 May 2007 - 03:39 PM

          Quote:
          Originally Posted by MikkiStreak

          And, yes, that means, we don't get raises. Ever. Not even cost of living increases. You make the same when you're hired as you do when you retire.
          That's crazy - where do you work?

          ~ Jaime & Martin ~
          "Rain or Swine! 2-0-0-9"

          We had 24 people attend our wedding in Las Caletas, Mexico on May 24th, 2009!

          We all stayed at The Marriott in P.V., and Honeymooned at The Royal Plantation in Ochos Rios, Jamaica!


          #5 MikkiStreak

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            Posted 24 May 2007 - 04:12 PM

            Small company called ICS.

            Had I known that 2.5 years ago when I was looking for a new job, I would have kept moving on.... (Hence, why I'm looking for a new job now too!) :)

            #6 soulmates

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              Posted 24 May 2007 - 04:28 PM

              That's so cute!!!! I've sent it to everyone here at work, they will love it.

              #7 BayBug

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                Posted 24 May 2007 - 04:30 PM

                That was seriously FUNNY!!!! I am going to send it to my office mates here. Non-profit = no money, so they will get a kick out of it!
                Angie

                #8 LadyP

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                  Posted 24 May 2007 - 06:19 PM

                  That is soooo funny

                  #9 Nrvsbride

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                    Posted 24 May 2007 - 09:50 PM

                    Courtney this is so hysterical. I have to show this to my bosses, they will die.




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