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JOSIE

how do I get over his ex?

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It's totally normal but I just wanted to add that you are beautiful and even though we analyze ourselves to the 10th degree our FH's or DH's don't see all the little imperfections we obsess over. I'm sure to him you are the most amazing beautiful person he knows or he wouldn't have put that ring on your finger.

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I agree with the other ladies-- you are beautiful inside and out. Hers was a very superficial kind of beauty, but if your man is over her, you should really move on. Several of my FI's exes are drop-dead gorgeous with a more alternative/hipster/artsy "look" than me, and I did feel a little insecure about that at first. But the bottom line is that he is with you, not this other chick who treated him like crap.

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I think the problem stems from wanting to be the first of everything for your FH. You should be thankful that he isn't friends with his ex and that he doesn't bring up the topic. I was surrounded by my FH's exes and a best friend that was a little to close for my liking. Sadly, I turned into a bit of a crazy person and didn't like it. It's best to just put it behind you and move on.

 

I'm always around if you need someone to talk to, sometimes it's easier to discuss everything and anything if you don't know the person already. Just send me an email :-)

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Wow there are some emotionally healthy ladies on BDW and I love it!! I agree with the girls above, and also know how easily we women can obsess ourselves with our FI/DH's past lovers. But the truth of the matter is this: THEY CHOSE US! And every time we allow ourselves to dwell on their pasts, we are letting those girls who have hurt our men rent free space in our heads. So take a deep breath, and let it out....along with the thoughts in your head about how "great" the ex was.

 

Josie, you are obviously an awesome catch for your FI. So let yourself enjoy being caught and try not to worry about the other "fish in the sea" . He is a lucky man to have lost in love and then found his true prize. Best wishes girl!

smile03.gif

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Quote:
Originally Posted by julzcabo View Post
I think the problem stems from wanting to be the first of everything for your FH. You should be thankful that he isn't friends with his ex and that he doesn't bring up the topic. I was surrounded by my FH's exes and a best friend that was a little to close for my liking. Sadly, I turned into a bit of a crazy person and didn't like it. It's best to just put it behind you and move on.

I'm always around if you need someone to talk to, sometimes it's easier to discuss everything and anything if you don't know the person already. Just send me an email :-)
I agree with this one totally- I upset myself a lot thinking that I won't be his first for one DAMN thing - and it's silly things like "first Christmas", first wedding, and first child, all of that -- it makes me tear up just writing it on here.

I feel like I will always be "second" like the runner-up even though I am the one he is with presently and will be with in the future (and that fact that he can't even say her name or look at his ex-wife doesn't help me for some reason-- I'm not jealous of her in any way, in fact I know I am better than her in almost every way... STILL doesn't help me!). I know this isn't helping Josie, I'm commisserating too much... but you're not alone :)

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I know this may be too simple -- but at the end of the day remember there is a reason why their marriage fell apart. She was not right for him, you on the other hand are. And while she may be a dolled up fashionista, all the money and fashion in the world doesn't hide or mask an effed up personality.

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I can relate to what you are feeling. I have obsessed over 2 ex's of my FI's... The first is whom he had his daughter with and she is completely different from me, kinda like a skinny tree huggin hippy with long blonde hair that believes in breastfeeding till like age 5(no offense to anyone if this applies). She is married to a writer/english professor and thinks that she is better than us. She is so different from me and FI. Then there is his ex-wife Suzie, I had the treat of meeting her about a year ago, she is looks like a meth addict with tattoos covering every inch of her body (don't get me wrong, I love tattoos) and she was so skinny, probably from whatever drugs she was taking. FI says she wasn't this bad when he was with her, but come on!

 

Anyways, it bothers me that my FI was with such different people like this. I ask myself, well he liked "that" at one point in time, how can he like me? We are like night and day! I am a curvy girl, so does that mean he likes these super skinny women, how can he like me? But I don't think about it as much as I use to, Just like you and your FI, my FI and I have talked about it, he is always understanding and I know that he loves me and we were meant to be. His family hated his ex's and his best friend hated them too and they all love me!

 

By the way, it still doesn't mean that I don't think about it from time to time, I confess that I occationally check the first ex's blog- she's such a nut that sometimes it is good for a laugh! wink.gif

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Girls- Brief update. I was feeling totally empowered by all of your posts so I emailed the FI to tell him that I'm working on this issue of mine to better our relationship & that I want him to be able to completely move past that point in his life without having to worry I can't get over it. It was a really long email but I had so much to say after reading everything you guys posted. Here was his response to me:

 

Aw... babe. Thank you so much for that. You're so cute!

 

I think you hit the nail on the head with the insecurity and her. I 100% agree with that statement.

 

I appreciate how much effort you put in to "us" as a couple and bettering our relationship. I couldn't ask for a better fi!

 

Love you!

 

He's such a keeper & I am so thankful to all of you! Keep the posts coming - I love hearing your experiences too! I wonder if theres already a thread on here to bitch about the ex-wives!!! hehe

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I think the girls have said it all.I would really suggest working out those feelings and moving on. I alaways tell myself at the end of the day..the "ex" is definitely not losing sleep about the horrible things she did or over either of you...so why do you give HER so much power. Please do not let it put a blemish on what you guys have..You are blesed beyond measure. OWN it....

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Josie- You are COMPLETELY normal and every woman in the world goes through the same thing. Just to varying degrees. It's BECAUSE you two are so different that you're questioning it, I think.

 

Here's something that helped me a long time ago...something I forced myself to remember and still pull out when I wonder if he would rather have someone who was more this or that.

There are ALL TYPES of beauty to most men. In my experience, it's very rare to meet a guy who spends his life going for the same "type" start to finish. Two women can look entirely different, and still rate a 10 to the average guy. Short vs. tall, thin vs curvy....beautiful and sexy comes in all kinds of packages and just because you went for x at some point, doesn't mean you wouldn't go for y and think of that person as just as beautiful.

 

I think we as women get caught up in...types. What's "his type" or not his type when some guys just like GORGEOUS, which you clearly are. And gorgeous comes blonde, brunette, tall and short. Ashley Judd looks nothing like Beyonce, but they are both still drop dead gorgeous. lol My FH is white and most of the girlfriends he had before me were too....what, am I gonna try to compare the way I look to them?? lol...Seriously, I'd drive myself insane trying to find a link between what attracted him to them physically and now me. There isn't a link...he just finds both types attractive.

 

So I won't tell you to try not to compare, because it's natural and you'll do it anyway. What I'm gonna tell you is to stop thinking theres only one type your man can find attractive..you've got all the evidence in the world staring you right in the face that that simply isn't true!

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