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Invitation Dilemma, Please help

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#1 itsfinallyhere

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    Posted 07 May 2009 - 07:26 AM

    Hi ladies,
    I have a problem on my hands and was hoping you would be able to help. Please get comfy as this may take a little while, while I give some history.

    My mom and I have not always gotten along. But for the last couple of years things have been going great. She is really excited about the wedding and wants to help. My older sister got married and my mom was not apart of that and missed out on everything. My sister and my mom had a HUGE falling out. Anyway, I am concerned about the invitation because I now have to order and am unsure of how to word it. You My FI and I are footing the whole bill for the wedding. My mom is fickle and wants things to be traditional but only in some ways. They have not offered to help pay for anything. That is why we decided to have a DW because of cost. I have waited for this for a long time ( 20+ years) because we couldn't afford it. She wants to throw a shower that I will have to contribute to (at present no idea of how much money I have to spend on a shower). She also wants to invite everybody she knows. I may recall their names but not their faces. But because my mom is so excited I know she will be disappointed and heart broken if her name is not on the invitation. I think too because this is the first wedding she is involved in planning. When I asked FI about it he got upset, because they are paying for anything. He said if I do that and his Dad decides to go (Don't know yet) then he wants to put his name on it as well. We never talk or see his dad thats why he doesn't know yet!

    I feel stuck in the middle. And know that I am going to disappoint no matter what. I hate stress and try to avoid it at all cost but I have to decide very soon. Oh one other thing I am not sure if this makes a difference but this is FI second marriage he is 47 and my first I am 40. We have lived together practically the whole time and we have two kids (7 & 10). Thanks any help you can give.

    #2 tylersgirl

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      Posted 07 May 2009 - 08:32 AM

      This is just my opinion but I would not put either parents on the invitation in your situation because y'all are paying for the wedding yourselves and FI's dad is still unsure if he wants to go. Also, you shouldn't have to shell out $$ for the shower girl! That should be your family and friends responsibility. You shouldn't have to pay a dime (unless you want to buy hostess gifts as a thank you). They should all divide the costs amongst themselves. I know you might feel stuck in the middle, but it happens to all of us. Good luck girlie and don't stress

      #3 becks



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      Posted 07 May 2009 - 08:37 AM

      I get your hesitation - they aren't paying, so why give them the recognition? On the other hand, the invite isn't necessarily about giving them recognition for footing the bill. It's about the celebration of your wedding. Maybe the way you might make everyone happy is rather than put your mom's name on it, put "together with their parents" or "together with their families" ...something like that. No names, but some recognition that they are happy for you.

      By the way, be careful about what you are willing to give up to make Mom happy. Because if you really don't want to include her name, doing so without making a big deal and pointing out that it's not what you want to do will just encourage her to make you accomodate her on other things.

      Good luck with this. Just remember that it's YOUR wedding. You've waited this long, there's no reason that you have to compromise to make people happy.

      Happily married since 2008

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      #4 litl_april

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        Posted 07 May 2009 - 09:59 AM

        The advice you've gotten so far is great. What I did for ours, because we are also paying for it ourselves (minus my dress which my mom paid for) is wrote out the invitation saying I and FI ask you to join us such and such date, time, etc. Under all that, I then wrote
        Parents of the Bride:
        [Their Names]
        Parents of the Groom:
        [Their Names]

        This gave them recognition without really saying whether or not anyone contributed.

        Also, Desiree is completely correct that you should not have to spend any money to have a shower that your mom wants to throw. If she can't afford to pay for it that's not your responsibility to foot the bill. She could find others to pitch in, friends of yours, aunts, even friends of hers, but not YOU!
        Good luck sweetie. Make sure this is your wedding. I know you want to make your mom happy but you can't do that by sacrificing your happiness. Go with what you won't regret!!

        #5 merocket59

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          Posted 07 May 2009 - 10:37 AM

          As far as I understand it the invitation is for who is footing the bill because they are the ones inviting the guests. I suggest you keep just your and FH's names on it and the place to recognize other family members is on the program. It is great that she wants to be involved and if she is traditional in some ways then she may know that if she isn't paying she will not be mentioned in the invitation. Think of it this way, if someone's best friend throws them a wedding shower they don't get their name on the wedding invitation, maybe she can incorporate it somehow into the wedding shower invitation if she wants. I hope I don't sound rude I just want you to get the props you deserve for waiting so long and paying for the wedding all on your own that is no small feat!

          #6 jk1101

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            Posted 07 May 2009 - 11:02 AM

            I agree with Desiree completely...
            It's very nice that your mom wants to help, but throwing a shower for her friends that you have to pay for is not helping. Not to be mean, but in my opinion, that's being self serving. She wants the glory of the shower. If she can't afford to pay for it, she shouldn't have it, or tone it down to where you don't have to contribute.

            If you'd like to placate your mother and then FI for the wedding invitation, I did find this wording:

            Please share our joy
            at the wedding of

            daughter of
            Mr. Itsfinallyhere
            son of Dad

            I know you don't want to disappoint your mom but it's your day and you don't want to disappoint yourself in the name of making everyone else happy. Your wedding, your day...have your mom help with something else like colors, flowers, anything without names on it....tell her you appreciate her input and will think about it.

            Good Luck!

            #7 BachataBride

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              Posted 07 May 2009 - 11:14 AM

              We did not include reference to our parents - and I don't think that your mother should expect that of you either! And you should NOT have to pay for a shower! That is ridiculous!
              Maybe you could explain to your mom that because you are not sure if FI's dad is coming you dont' want to put his name on the invite & you dont' think it would look right to put just her name on the invitation. Casually mention that you will be writing speeches...and you have to write a thank you especially for her for all her help! She may appreciate the verbal recognition more!

              #8 McToasty

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                Posted 14 May 2009 - 09:52 AM

                wow that's tough babe. trying to please everyone (esp. those closest to us) is a sure recipe for stress, but we try anyway. everyone's given really good advice, so i just wanted to voice my support for anything you decide. :)

                i *really* hope you don't end up paying for the shower though... tell your mom that it doesn't have to be anything extravagant.. just something thoughtful and sweet that EVERYONE ELSE can afford to chip in to - not you - would be wonderful!

                #9 eloping789

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                  Posted 14 May 2009 - 10:42 AM

                  You should denfinitely not have to pay for your own shower! That's something your friends (and/or family members) throw FOR you. I didn't want a shower personally just because I really hate being the center of attention, and I'm always a little uncomfortable when all sides of the family are in the same room together. So I told my friends to skip it and focus on the bachelorette party! My question is, do YOU want a shower? If you don't, then just tell your mom you'd rather that the two of you spend your time and money preparing for the wedding. Include her on some DIY projects if you have any and shopping trips, etc. that she can tell her friends about.

                  Here's my last suggestion to include her in a very public way if you opt not to use parents names on the invite (and you shouldn't have to) ... what about putting a wedding announcement in your local paper after your wedding with a gorgeous DW photo? Those always include the parents names and could be something she could keep forever or even have framed. And she could make sure that all of her friends know about it and see it to share in her joy. Just a thought.

                  Good luck and try not to stress!

                  #10 itsfinallyhere

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                    Posted 14 May 2009 - 11:36 AM

                    Than-you ladies for allthe wonderful advice. I have ordered my invites and this is wht we did. We ordered a very large order and had some done by the place we were ordering from for us (raised ink). and with the blank ones I got another printer to laser ink them to her satisfaction. She will ot know about our set and I will tell her that that is the only way they came.

                    As for the shower well, I still have to broach that subject, but my purse is starting to feel very lite, as I didn't expect to put out so my for the invites. (FI insisted on having them done professionally!)

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