how to ask or suggest for only money as a wedding gift

[SSNM]

Thanks for the clarification.

[rodent]

http://bestdestinationwedding.com/forum/t17320

 

here is a fun thread with the same question

[rodent]

We never asked for cash, but that is mostly what we got.

 

I told my mom the things we wanted the most on our registy. Several people called to ask what we really wanted & she let them know it was our fiesta ware. We ended up getting most of that, knives & cash. Worked out great & we didn't have to go all tacky on our guests & we didn't end up with stuff we don't have room for.

[Christy335]

Some people don't care about tact, and for those people, if you don't mind what people say/think about you, go ahead and ask for cash. I don't have any friends that would ask for cash because we are like-minded. Your friends are more than likely similar to you (as most people gravitate towards people like themselves) and won't be bothered by your request if you are the type of person to ask for cash.

 

BUT for those who would ask for cash because they are ignorant (as in, uneducated, not stupid) and want to know what is considered tactful or in-line with etiquette, here are a few BASIC no-no's:

 

1) NEVER put ANY information about gifts on a formal invitation. This includes sticking registry cards inside envelopes delivering invitations. Don't even put a phrase like "Your presence is present enough" on your invitations. If you MUST, you can put it on your wedding website, however the jury is still out on whether this is tactful. If someone throws you a shower, they may include information about where you are registered in the envelope. For your wedding, people will simply ask you or your parents or your bridesmaids where you are registered. Once again, if you care about etiquette, DO NOT mention gifts or your registry on your invitation.

 

2) NEVER ask for cash. It doesn't matter if it's in the form of a cute poem or a blatant statement. In this same regard, money trees, money dances, wishing wells, etc are considered TACKY. I know in some Spanish cultures, money dances are considered the norm for a wedding. This is not true in American culture. If you are not Spanish, DO NOT have a money dance. And never, never, never start a money dance for yourself (ie asking a DJ to start it, or including it in your wedding schedule) no matter what your culture is!

 

3) DO NOT take a gift TO a wedding. (Even envelopes.) Gifts should be sent before (or after ... you have 1 full year from the wedding date to send gifts, according to Miss Manners) the wedding. ESPECIALLY a destination wedding. How could someone expect the bride and groom to board a plane with all those additional boxes (especially now since the airlines are charging so much money for extra bags.) Even at an "at home" wedding, the bride and groom are going to rush off after their wedding, and their parents, bridal party, etc already have to clean up, break down decorations, finish last minute details. It is inconsiderate to bring extra work for whoever is doing "clean-up" after a wedding. People ALWAYS (without fail) bring gifts to weddings, so a gift table is usually set up, which makes people think you are supposed to bring a gift to a wedding (horrible cycle)... BUT YOU SHOULD NOT. With registries on-line now-a-days, you can have the gifts shipped directly to the couple's home, or their parent's home - depending on what they have set up.

 

4) It is officially against etiquette rules to set up a honeymoon registry, but the more modern we become, the fuzzier these lines get. Know your audience. If Aunt Edna and a bunch of your parents friends are invited to your wedding, they may think this is tacky. If all of your guests are young (and hip) they may not be offended by such a site. However, just be informed that a honeymoon registry is *technically* asking for cash.

 

My mother, queen of manners/etiquette, says it is even rude NOT to register. I don't want to register, because we don't want more "stuff", but I also don't want cash. I want my wedding to be about sharing an important time in my life with people who matter to me. I will definitely NOT be putting my registry on my wedding website. I will ask anyone who throws me a shower to make it a "luncheon" or "gathering" rather than a shower and ask that gifts not be included. (Some people request recipes or advice cards... as in, advice for the bride & groom about married life.) I will register somewhere that allows cash returns and only let my mother tell her friends about it who *insist* on getting a gift. She will also tell them that we really don't want gifts, but their attendance at our wedding or well wishes for us in married life is their gift.

 

This list is only for people who are uninformed about what is traditionally considered tacky vs tactful. If you do not care about traditional etiquette, please don't be offended. It is your right to throw tradition to the wind and do whatever you want.

[jamaicabride10]

Quote:

Originally Posted by SSNM What is the difference between asking for a specific type of gift and registering in terms of etiquette? I mean, are you not basically asking that people should get you a gift if you register?

Exactly!!! That is how I feel about it. Registering is just the same as 'asking' for a gift...so why not let you buy your own with money

"If you do not care about traditional etiquette, please don't be offended. It is your right to throw tradition to the wind and do whatever you want"

I think we all threw tradition to the wind the minute we decided to have a DW!

Sorry to get ratty about this, but I feel when someone asks HOW to ask for money as a gift...they have already decided to do it and are looking for help on the HOW. They are not asking if they should or not. Maybe lets put our differences aside and only reply with something helpful (if we have it) for the original poster??

[starchild]

Maureen and Christy I agree with a lot of what you both said.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by jamaicabride10 Sorry to get ratty about this, but I feel when someone asks HOW to ask for money as a gift...they have already decided to do it and are looking for help on the HOW. They are not asking if they should or not. Maybe lets put our differences aside and only reply with something helpful (if we have it) for the original poster??

That's nice in theory but it's not going to happen on a site full of wedding-planning women! We've all got something to say that we think is helpful.

 

I've got nothing helpful on how to grope for money so I replied with what I thought, as did everyone else. I've been here a long time and have seen how people can be influenced by views they had not previously considered. That's sort of how forum wheels turn, an exchange of opinions and ideas. Some make you stop and listen, some you shrug off and go on to the next post.

 

The original poster here may stick to her guns and that's totally fine but everyone can participate in these threads with whatever position they want, you know? She can decide on how to go about doing what she wants from there.

[Christy335]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jamaicabride10 Sorry to get ratty about this, but I feel when someone asks HOW to ask for money as a gift...they have already decided to do it and are looking for help on the HOW. They are not asking if they should or not. Maybe lets put our differences aside and only reply with something helpful (if we have it) for the original poster??

I think the information I gave IS helpful. If the original poster has decided to go for the "ask for cash" idea, that's her prerogative. But if she didn't know that it is considered "taboo" to ask, I think my post is helpful in shedding light on that.

Also, forums aren't just for the person asking the question. This information stays here permanently, so the next girl who comes along and reads this topic may not know the etiquette in this situation, and it would be wrong of me not to share what I know with the community. I may not have the best advice on designing invitations or what to put in an OOT bag, but I do know this subject, thanks to my mom and Miss Manners Classes I had to take as a kid, and the books that went along.

Like I said, no one has to take my advice, but for those who are interested in knowing what is considered proper etiquette, I think it's good knowledge to share. But, of course, some people may share your opinion that registering is the same thing as asking for a gift, so you may as well ask for cash. That sounds perfectly logical too. I guess that like Starchild said, that's how the boards work. You pick up the things you like, and leave the things you don't.

[michelle6114]

Ok I am pretty speechless after reading some of these replies. There is no gracious way to ask for money. Wishing wells, money trees, poems, ect just all shriek """""GIMEEGIMMEE"""". If I got any invite of the kind, I would show up with a tacky plastic frame just to prove my point. It is not the guests responsibility to donate toward a house payment, honeymoon, or anything else. Some guests take pleasure by shopping for a wedding gift for a married couple, they feel they made a heartfelt choice in picking out what they did.

[NyBeachBride]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sloan I recently received an invite to a friends wedding and right at the bottom of the invite said "monetary gifts only".

wow hahhHhHh thaTS FUNNY...CUTTING RIGHT TO THE POINT HUH...SO WHAT DID U THINK OR FEEL WHEN U READ THAT??

[NyBeachBride]

OK SO IVE BEEN AWAY FOR a while and just noticed that everyone really got into this topic lol thanks so much, nothing taken personal at all, if i didnt want to here the truth i would have never asked or posted the question right....so thanks for everyones input! i decided ...the person who posted the whole point that its just as tacky as not bringing a gift at all is right...and its true, i think when your wedding comes and the people who didnt bring a gift at all and not even a card will be the talk of the town, even if its a DW.....and honestly, theyre not spending money to JUST come to my wedding, they are on vacation, most people will be staying for a whole week and takign vacation for themselves...most people going are happy just to be on vacation so if they dont brign a gift at all, i think its completely tacky, they have so much time to save up for even a 20-50 dollar gift esp after ur prob spending all this money just to have this event and invite them...and those are prob the same people who do it even at a home reception!....i dont want to be that person so i wont ask for cash but i will say no boxed gifts please cuz there will be that "ignorant" person to bring something ill have to carry back home, if i dont write that ill have my mom and MOH at least past the word for sure....im going to go to bed bath and beyond and have fun with the scanner gun lol i may do a honeymoon registry for those who may think its fun will use it, if not at least they had a choice....and ill have these things on my website and putting them in the bridal shower invites, not the actual wedding invites...so i think i made some of you happy haha i think we met somewhere in the middle lol