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CaboBride2010

ughh...engagement party stress..what do i do??

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ok so I am in need of advice as I feel my family has cornered me and it is so unfair!! They have planned a engagement party for my FI and I in about a month and it is a big family bbq at my aunt and uncles house. I do not get along with my dad and stepmom and havent spoken to them in almost two years and whenever they come into my life in the past two years they just cause stress and drama, so if I can I try avoid them now.

 

So when talking to my cousin today about the engagement party she was saying that my aunt and uncle (her parents) do not feel comfortable holding a party at their place and not inviting my dad and stepmom. However a couple days ago when the bbq started being planned I said I did not want them invited and my cousin said my wishes would be respected. My aunt and uncle say this is a way to give my dad a last chance to repair things with me before my wedding, however I just do not want the stress of him being there and acting fake towards me like nothing is wrong (which he is famous for doing) or the stress that he could show up and just ignore me and pretend that I do not exist (which he has done alot in the last year or so to me).

 

SO what am I supposed to do?? I feel like since I am not holding the party I cant push who I do and dont want invited. BUT this is a party to celebrate mine and FIs engagement and I dont want the stress of worrying about my dad and stepmom being there. And I feel like its not fair that I was told my wishes would be respected in them not being invited, and now they are pushing that they be invited.

wtf.gif

what do i dohuh.gif my problem is that i dont want to seem ingrateful and pushy about the party and who is there, but this is a MAJOR issue with my family of how my dad acts towards me and now they are doing this.... sad.gif

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If they want to invite them, I would just say something like "thanks for offering to throw the party, but I'll just find another place, I want this to be a joyful day.

 

It's your day, and don't do anything you won't feel comfortable doing.

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Agreed. If you really wanted to mend things with your father (and vice versa) it would have been done by now right? So why put yourself in an awkward position when like you said, it's a party to celebrate YOUR engagement.

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Quote:
Originally Posted by TammyB View Post
If they want to invite them, I would just say something like "thanks for offering to throw the party, but I'll just find another place, I want this to be a joyful day.

It's your day, and don't do anything you won't feel comfortable doing.
I totally agree that I shouldnt have to do something im not comfortable with. That is why I am so stuck right now because this is the only family member who is able to throw an engagement party for us. I am so grateful that they are having this party since they really dont have alot of money so it makes it that much more special, just I dont like at all how im being cornered.

Also what is making me nervous, is to tell my FI that my dad and stepmom are invited because he is already so mad that my family doesnt stand up for me against my dad, so to find out that they are inviting my dad to this im sure my FI will say then we arent going, and I dont want that either. UGH im so torn...

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What about talking to your Aunt & Uncle and letting them know you are really stressed and worried about your Dad's reaction but understand they are in a difficult situation. ask them to do the following -- if they feel that they 'have to' invite him, let him know that he must contact you before the party so you can have a conversation and it won't be sooo awkward?

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I just had a huge heart to heart with my aunt and said I understand that it put my aunt and uncle in an awkward situation but they have to understand I am also put into an awkward situation so we had to come up with a compromise that works for both of us. So after a long talk we made the deal that she can invite my dad and stepmom to the bbq, as long as in future i am never made to feel pressured or guilty for not inviting my dad and stepmom to any wedding related events. So now we have a deal that no matter who throws a party for my FI and I, like a shower or something, that unless I say it is ok with me, my dad and stepmom will not be invited. I think that is fair so I said fine invite him to the bbq. If he is going to show up, I will be given about two weeks notice though, as my cousin si the one inviting everybody and she is going to say she needs answers on who will be there a couple weeks beforehand since she needs to get food and decorations and just needs to organize everything.

 

I am still a little uncomfortable with all this, but I feel alot better i guess.

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That sounds fair. A lot of people don't even have engagment parties, so of all things that is the one more casual event that I would give to him to make him feel included. Then he can't throw it in your face later on that he was left out.

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I'm sorry to hear that you are in this situation. Unfortunately I have the same issues with my family. I have problems with my stepfather and as a result my mother so it has made all of my wedding celebrations very awkward (no one on my mother's side will even come to my wedding). My grandmother offered to throw me a shower but unfortunately I had to pass on her offer since the problems with my other family members are beyond fixing. I hope that everything works out for you and that they won't ruin your special day in anyway.

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**UPDATE**

 

so in the end of this all, I just called my aunt and told her to stop planning the bbq and that I want it all called off. I just have been so upset the past couple days about my dad being invited although originally I was told he wouldnt be, since that is what I asked for. I just havent been able to sleep and have cried a couple times from stress since I want a happy day and in my opinion my dad has no part in being at this party. SO I had a huge heart to heart with my aunt and cousin again and it was like a two hour talk and said if they can respect my wishes of not having my dad there that I would still wantthe bbq but if they want to invite him than just call the party off.

 

So ya they are being so rude and so hurtful in not believing me although I have never lied to them or given them reason to not trust me, so I just said fine its called off. Pretty much said thanks, but no thanks.

UGH im so sick so drama I wish it could just disappear sad.gif

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