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Venting AGAIN about people's reactions...

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29 replies to this topic

#1 KJT1985

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  • 694 posts

    Posted 30 March 2009 - 10:29 PM

    It started with a phone call from my "MOH" today wanting to talk to me about how much the trip is going to cost. From the start, I didn't think she would be able to go because she's still in college and doesn't have a job - but she acted like she'd do anything to be there and would be. She tells me that she didn't think it was going to be more than $1,000 and that she just can't afford to go. My comment was something like- well, we knew that making it a destination wedding was going to cost people a lot and would eliminate some people but this is what we want and we accepted that it would keep some people from being there.

    later I get texts from my brother (he's 21), going like this

    "You might consider a interpersonal relations class before you quit college"
    (for the record, i'm getting my master's in biomedical science and will be GRADUATING [not quitting] in August) I asked him why.

    "I talked to [my MOH] on facebook. You need to ask yourself if the location of your wedding is more important than all your family and friends"

    "Let's look at the guest list for the bride. Mother, check and that's it. I thought you would have more character than that"
    - so apparently my dad isn't going now and wtf about having not having character because we want a destination wedding?!

    My response: "Look, I know you can't understand it. But our wedding really isn't about the rest of you - it's about US and what WE want. Five years from now, none of you will remember a thing from it but we will"

    He says" "Well that's what I want to know. You care more about the location than family. FAMILY is what life is all about, at least for me"

    So I pretty much said F-you and that it wasn't about him, or my friend, or grandma -it was about us. If they can go and afford it, great. If not, shut the hell up and we'll enjoy the party without them.

    Then I get on facebook and my "MOH" just put her status as "just going to move on...simple as that"

    There's been a LOT of drama with my family over my fiance - they don't like him and have tried to control the relationship from day 1. They're all pretty manipulative but hadn't said anything really since the engagement - other than a minor guilt trip laid on by my mom because my grandparents can't go. But this really really ticks me off. It's our wedding! Where one earth does he get the audacity to say that I don't have character because we want a destination wedding! It's not just about the location - it's also about the money. This is way cheaper than having a wedding at home and my parents haven't offered a dime so we're on our own! I'm so angry right now that i'm in the mind to head to vegas this weekend and leave them all out completely. Isn't this about US and what we want?! Isn't this about what makes US happy?! GAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

    #2 sstotz

    • Jr. Member
    • 298 posts

      Posted 30 March 2009 - 10:34 PM

      Just to let you know...

      The exact same conversation happened between my brother and I.. and,

      My MOH cancelled on me 3 months before the big day!

      I truly think that we are doing the right thing though, so don't be discouraged!!
      ~Soon to be Shanny May
      June 20th, 2009
      Cabo San Lucas, MX


      #3 KJT1985

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      • 694 posts

        Posted 30 March 2009 - 10:35 PM

        Thanks. And keep in mind - we're 11 months away and haven't even picked a location yet!!

        #4 jmiranda

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          Posted 30 March 2009 - 10:43 PM

          First of all Im so sorry that you are going through this. Its your wedding and you should have your wedding where ever your FI and you want it to be. In reality it is about the two of you. But one thing that you need to think about is what is important to you without having any regrets in the future.

          When my family found out about our destination wedding a really close cousin of mine told me that if I expected people to go to the wedding that I needed to change locations because why would someone pay to go to your wedding.

          My point to all this is that everyone is going to talk and you will be surprise at the people who are doing the talking because 9 times out of 10 its the closest family or friends.

          What does FI say about the whole situation?

          #5 CaboBride2010

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          • 248 posts

            Posted 30 March 2009 - 10:44 PM

            I feel so bad that your fiance and yourself are being given such a hard time about where you are planning your wedding. There are always going to be people that can't make it to a destination wedding but as much as your brother is coming to you about it I think don't be too harsh on them. Yes your brothers original text to you wasnt right but also I think your wedding is about FAMILY as much as it is about you and your fiance.
            Sorry if this is harsh but if i was one of the people invited to your wedding and found out you were saying the wedding is only about you and your FI and no one else and you didnt care because others wouldnt remember your wedding in 5 years (which is SO untrue) I would just not go even if I had the money to go. Just such a negative vibe is being given off.
            I would just tell your brother that he can plan his own wedding one day in the way that he wishes and that you are sorry he feels the way he does but it is hard to please everyone. Just try not to be too negative about it and also I would stay away from saying that no one else matters in the planning of your wedding, I know what you are trying to say but there can be better ways to get that point across.
            But again sorry that people are being like this to you, wedding planning should be fun.

            #6 KJT1985

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            • 694 posts

              Posted 30 March 2009 - 11:06 PM

              I know i'm sounding like a witch here but I've been walked all over and controlled so much by my family before - this is one time when I want to get what I want, and not what they want. We've already accepted the fact that many people can't come. Do I wish they could? OF COURSE! But we're having receptions back home afterwards too, so we can celebrate with them - it's not all or nothing. Yes, they're important but why is it ok to demand that we change our plans, our desires for OUR one big day because of them? My negative reaction to my brother really wasn't just out of the blue, only because of the wedding - there's a long history of him trying to tell me what to do with my life when he just barely moved out of our parents house and knows nothing about relationships or life.

              My fiance also thinks that we shouldn't sacrifice our wedding dream because my younger brother thinks it's a bad idea and is giving me crap. His whole family has been more than supportive and wonderful.

              #7 smalltownontario

              • Newbie
              • 24 posts

                Posted 31 March 2009 - 09:25 AM

                I read your story and felt like it was me! I have a 22 year old brother who lives at home and drives a $40,000 car that my parents pay insurance and gas for, pay his cell phone bills and he likes to tell me how to live my life as well! So I know how you feel. We waivered a bit on the destination thing and half way through looked into having a wedding here and it was too much money. That's why we are going away as because that's what we want~ we never wanted a wedding here but looked into it because it would be easier for most people except us...so we are going away anyways. Just try and stay positive and upbeat about it and tell everyone you understand if they can't make it. We just found out my grandma can come now and that's been great! We went in expecting no one to come and it's a lot easier that way! :)
                Looking to share a photographer week of November 21-28th 2009 in Punta Cana - he's from Canada - PM me for more info!

                #8 nicmicj

                • Jr. Member
                • 244 posts

                  Posted 31 March 2009 - 09:26 AM

                  I think several brides go through this in some form of fashion when they decide to have a destination wedding because others feel it is inconvenient. But like you told your family and like I told a few people as well, it is about why my fiance and I want and no one else. We are having ours in Las Vegas so the cost is not really too much but his mom just got over arguing with us about our location. He finally just told her that unless she is paying for the entire wedding that it WILL BE in Las Vegas, NV. We are paying for everything ourselves so everyone else will have to deal with it - come or not - the wedding will go on.

                  #9 ~Nicole~

                  • Sr. Member
                  • 4,512 posts

                    Posted 31 March 2009 - 09:46 AM

                    I agree that if this is what you want you should stand by your decision! I've had people giving me flack too. I made it very clear to everyone that this is what we're doing for several reasons.... 1) money - we're a young couple trying to establish ourselves and we bought a house rather than spending our entire savings on one day 2) we don't want something formal - its just not "us", and the list can go on of course. I also told everyone that by no means would we be upset if they couldn't make it, we completely understand! I'm not having an AHR so our DW is their only shot if they want to make it!

                    Do I feel bad? Noooope. I laid it all out for them and if they can't make it I'll post pics on facebook for them. lol.

                    I say stand your ground. Maybe tell your brother that you would love for everyone to make it but obviously you are not selfish in the respect that you EXPECT everyone to struggle financially when they really can't do it. I always just try to put a positive spin on it and be sensitive to their feelings. THat usually gets them off my back because what could they possibly say to that?
                    Good luck!
                    *Formerly Nikki07*
                    My Planning Thread

                    #10 kiki317

                    • Jr. Member
                    • 162 posts

                      Posted 31 March 2009 - 10:18 AM

                      Sorry about all your drama!

                      Man- yesterday must have been a crazy day for everyone! I had issues with my family too (Dad's crying poverty- when he makes WAY MORE than enough to pay for the trip) and still hasn't booked (wedding is about a month away!). there's only 10 people going (including FI and I) and mom says- well if i knew no one was coming i wouldn't have gotten such a fancy dress!

                      whatever- you need to try to not let them get to you. i'm sure you've given everybody more than enough time to prepare and they're just looking for excuses and things to bitch about. I hope for your sake they get over it soon- Good Luck!

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