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Is it selfish to elope without 11yr old son?


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#1 futurerana

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    Posted 30 March 2009 - 11:19 AM

    Hi everyone, Please help me with your opinions. My fiance and I are planning on getting married in June. We booked the resort for the honeymoon in Jamaica and paid extra money to just get married there too. This is my dream type wedding except that I have a son.
    I and my eleven year old son have been living with fiance for a year. He is pretty much his step dad already. His father passed away.
    I just got so exited and booked the getting married part since we were already going to be there because son said he is okay with it and doesn't care about that type of thing. He will be staying with his cousins and grandmother which he is exited about., but now I am wondering if I should just forego "my dream" wedding and go to justice of the peace so my son can be there. He may not realize that he would want to be there and maybe it is a big deal for him to be a part of it. A large wedding is out of the question and him coming to Jamaica is out of the question too, none of my family can afford to go and be there.
    I think I can still cancel the wedding part in jamaica and do the justice of the peace thing with him there. But I would be sad to miss out on getting married on the beach blah blah. And would hate to do that if he wouldn't even really care (but maybe he is just saying that) But of course my son comes first.
    Has anyone done this without there children and has it affected them? Someone suggested like a day before we go of us three doing something special, and he could be included in that way. But would it be the same? Please help. If I am going to cancel it. I need to do it soon. Thanks so much.

    #2 lgarner83

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      Posted 30 March 2009 - 11:28 AM

      I have a 4 yrs old daughter and I can't imagine even a little bit her not being there. It's an important day for her too as she gets a new step parent and I want her to feel as much a part of the day as me.
      Why can't he go to Jamaica with the two of you and come back early? This way you get the best of both worlds...he gets to attend your ceremony and then you get your alone time with your new dh afterwards. At the age of 11, he is definitely old enough to fly on his own (you can accompany him through to security and there are services for children flying alone) and his Grandma and cousins can be there to pick him up and he can still spend that time with them.

      I dunno, I know this is probably not what you want to hear but coming from another mother I just can't imagine my daughter not being there to be a part of the day even though she is only 4.

      #3 Betsy

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        Posted 30 March 2009 - 11:30 AM

        Is your resort Adults only? Most 11 year old boys would say they don't care about something like this, I have a little brother who was 11 at the time of our wedding (big age difference, he was a surprise :) :) ) Anyways he acted like he didn't care about it, but he had a blast once he was there!! Is it just you and your FI that are going to be there, or is other family coming?? We had kids at our wedding, but there was a lot of family there too.......I guess it just comes down to a personal decision.....a hard one at that!! In my opinon, you are becoming a family too, and it should include your son somehow. Maybe you could do a civil ceremony at the courthouse, and then have a symbolic ceremony in jamaica along with your honeymoon. That way your son could feel like he was a part of the ceremony somehow. Good Luck!!!

        #4 Kat81

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          Posted 30 March 2009 - 11:33 AM

          maybe you could get legally married first and have a celebration with your son. Then go off to jamaica and have your elopement wedding. That way you get the best of both worlds. My stepson didn't come to our wedding but it was because he moved in with us right before it unexpectantly and he had Visa issues so he couldn't leave the states for two months. But we had a celebration with him before we went.

          #5 petunia

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            Posted 30 March 2009 - 12:23 PM

            I have to agree with the others. Your son should be included, made to feel a part of your marriage as a symbol of the new family formed. Step families are extremely difficult, and 11 year old boys are very sensitive, although at that age they do their best to hide it.

            A legal ceremony at home with a small celebration would let him know that he is a very important part of this union. I think that your dream wedding should be secondary to the well-being of your son and your family's future happiness.

            As others have suggested, you can have a non-legal beach ceremony in Jamaica that will fulfill your dreams just as much as if it were the actual wedding rite. Many on here have done just that.

            #6 petunia

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              Posted 30 March 2009 - 12:23 PM

              Duplicate post. Why does it keep doing that?

              #7 boscobel

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                Posted 30 March 2009 - 12:28 PM

                I was going to suggest the same thing that others have... Get legally married here, nothing big, but maybe just you, your son and your FI and then have a sumbolic ceremony in JA. It would probably make the paperwork easier! (Although, I had no problems with it, didn't want to scare you.)

                #8 KRB

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                  Posted 30 March 2009 - 12:36 PM

                  I have two children, 17 and 10. They both said the same thing at first, no big deal, but in actuality I think it is a big deal. We have decided that the wedding party would be just the four of us, and I think this will make our bond stronger. I would encourage that you include your son even if he says no big deal.

                  #9 Jen_S

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                    Posted 30 March 2009 - 02:31 PM

                    I agree with the other girls why not do the legal at home so he is included and then do the renewal of the vows ceremony so you can have best of both worlds.
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                    #10 jennierin

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                      Posted 30 March 2009 - 02:57 PM

                      I agree 100% that you should include your son somehow. I think it is something that is important for the three of you.

                      My nine year old daughter is still upset, to this day, that she was not there when her father and his new wife married in Barbados. Keep in mind, this was 4 years ago and she was only 5 at the time. So even though, at the time, she may not have cared to go; it is something that she wishes she could've been involved in.

                      She is so happy that she is my "flowergirl" and that she is walking me down the aisle. For the longest time; even before my FI and I had met, she constantly reminded me that she would be the flowergirl. Heck, she was even involved when FI and I became engaged! He asked her permission and gave her a gold heart ring after he proposed to me...

                      All in all; whatever avenue you decide on, don't leave your son out of your big day.
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