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MIL issues...


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#11 cougs

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    Posted 17 March 2009 - 04:17 PM

    oh my ...

    i would *maybe* apologize for making a scene but i would explain how badly she hurt my feelings with her comment. yes, she is entitled to an opinion, but there is such a thing as tact, poise, respect, and manners. if i were you, i would make sure she knew the only reason i was speaking to her about it at all is because of my love for her son and how important it is to him that she is there. that if she cares for HIM, she will attend.

    #12 Cattie

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      Posted 18 March 2009 - 01:46 AM

      I'd tell the bitch that I'm only saying I'm sorry for her son, however it's not sincere by any stretch of the imagination.

      You never tell anyone they will be an ugly bride. That's just rude and disrespectful. What would she do if you said to someone she was going to be an ugly mother of the groom?

      #13 becks

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      Posted 18 March 2009 - 11:52 AM

      Oh wow. I can't even imagine.

      I'd talk with her. But be sure your FI is there. This is stuff he needs to hear. And I agree with much of what has been said. Apologize for making a scene, or yelling at her in public. And then tell her that her comments were totally out of line, inappropriate and unacceptable. ESPECIALLY in front of your friends. Make sure that she is aware that until she can come to grasp with the basic standards of socially acceptible behavior, you will have no reason to try to repair your relationship.

      I mean really... how totally classless...

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      #14 Emily&Matt

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        Posted 18 March 2009 - 01:05 PM

        I would definitely have FI there and I would apologize to MIL for yelling at her. Don't make excuses WHY you are apologizing (you were rude, you hurt my feelings), just tell her you are sorry you lost it and yelled at her. It would have been better to just leave and then meet with her later in private. This might give her the idea to apologize to you...THEN you could tell her how hurt you were. When people apologize, it can bring them closer than they were to begin with, and definately more sensitive to each other.
        In the end, this lady is going to be around a long time in FI's life and it would be emotionally more mature to try to mend fences than to remember this scene for years to come.

        #15 Emily&Matt

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          Posted 18 March 2009 - 01:05 PM

          I would definitely have FI there and I would apologize to MIL for yelling at her. Don't make excuses WHY you are apologizing (you were rude, you hurt my feelings), just tell her you are sorry you lost it and yelled at her. It would have been better to just leave and then meet with her later in private. This might give her the idea to apologize to you...THEN you could tell her how hurt you were. When people apologize, it can bring them closer than they were to begin with, and definately more sensitive to each other.
          In the end, this lady is going to be around a long time in FI's life and it would be emotionally more mature to try to mend fences than to remember this scene for years to come.

          #16 Hartyt509

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            Posted 18 March 2009 - 06:52 PM

            I'd apologise over my dead body lol I haven't spoken to FMIL for over 15 months, didn't have a fight with her just don't like her lol

            If FI has any sense HE'LL tell his mother she is hurting him not you and that he wants her there but I wouldn't be apologising.

            Maybe shouting at her in public wasn't great but neither was her shouting her mouth off to other people. I mean if she had said that to your face you can have said I can lose weight you will always be an ugly cow ! lol That would have ended that situation lol Hindsight is a wonderful thing tho!

            Do what you feel YOU want to do but don't back down to make her or FI happy if you don't mean it - once you do it you'll do it forever.

            #17 litl_april

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              Posted 18 March 2009 - 07:44 PM

              What an awful thing to say! I can really understand how torn you feel in this situation. After all, you're marrying your FI b/c you love him. Having him begging you to appologize can't be easy. He should be begging his mother to appologize to you though IMHO. I think I'm with the other girls in that If you feel bad for yelling at her in front of all sorts of people and feel you can sincerely appologize only for this, go for it. Really, it would only show even more so (Nobody should think it's ok to say someone's going to be an ugly bride) who's the better person. Good luck with the situation. Whatever you do though, don't belittle yourself. There's no reason to appologize for anything that isn't your fault.

              #18 Jennifer Davis

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                Posted 18 March 2009 - 07:46 PM

                I would speak to your MIL, with your FI there and explain where you are coming from, before I would even consider apologizing. Since there has been some time passed, it may be easier to have a covil conversation to explain your feelings and why your MIL was wrong (she was wrong - no doubt). I would plan my thoughts ahead of time, maybe jot some things down in case you get upset, you will not lose your train of though. Explain to her that you felt that her words were completely out of line, rude and hurtful. If she then realizes her mistake and apologizes, then I would apologize for making a scene and possibly over-reacting (I wasn't there to witness what happened but I do know people have a strong tendency to over-react when upset - I am the Queen of this if its any consolation to you). If your MIL does not see the error of her ways and apologize at least she will understand, as will your fiance, why you are angry with her and she will understand your position. You both may just agree to disagree on this issue. However, your MIL isn't going anywhere, no matter how much you may want her to, and if you guys do not find a way to at least pleasantly cope with one another, it is going to make both of your lives miserable. I really don't think you want that.

                Good luck!

                #19 soon2bePowers

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                  Posted 18 March 2009 - 08:35 PM

                  I agree with what several others have posted. I would not full out apologize. I might discuss how I could have handled the situation better, perhaps in a more private manner. BUT I would let her know that your feelings at that moment were true and valid. AND that you were and are very hurt by her words.

                  Let us know how it works out.

                  #20 big3n09

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                    Posted 18 March 2009 - 08:50 PM

                    Quote:
                    Originally Posted by Jennifer Davis
                    I would speak to your MIL, with your FI there and explain where you are coming from, before I would even consider apologizing. Since there has been some time passed, it may be easier to have a covil conversation to explain your feelings and why your MIL was wrong (she was wrong - no doubt). I would plan my thoughts ahead of time, maybe jot some things down in case you get upset, you will not lose your train of though. Explain to her that you felt that her words were completely out of line, rude and hurtful. If she then realizes her mistake and apologizes, then I would apologize for making a scene and possibly over-reacting (I wasn't there to witness what happened but I do know people have a strong tendency to over-react when upset - I am the Queen of this if its any consolation to you). If your MIL does not see the error of her ways and apologize at least she will understand, as will your fiance, why you are angry with her and she will understand your position. You both may just agree to disagree on this issue. However, your MIL isn't going anywhere, no matter how much you may want her to, and if you guys do not find a way to at least pleasantly cope with one another, it is going to make both of your lives miserable. I really don't think you want that.

                    Good luck!
                    So sorry this happened to you people sometimes just don't know what to say, regardless of freedom of speech. My future step-son said to my niece a few weeks my dress will probably be ugly and she told me. I laughed when she told me because he is such a girl, LOL! I would talk to her and take the high road, your FI will appreciate it and understand in the future why you have ill feelings towards her. If in the conversation you feel like apologizing for your behavior and being out of character then I would. We can only hope she will see how she was wrong and apologize as well. Not sure how FI's relationship is with his mother but she is his mother and the only one he will ever have and you guys will need to try to be cordial atleast to keep the peace.
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