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Bridal Shower...who to invite/not invite?

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#11 lolkitteh

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    Posted 03 March 2009 - 05:59 AM

    Whoah - I'm going to clarify what I said in a previous post. While from an etiquette standpoint, you should only invite people to a shower who have been invited to the wedding, it is NOT necessarily correct from an etiquette standpoint to invite everyone who has been invited to the wedding to a shower or shower-like event.

    The reason is this. When attending a wedding or AHR, the polite assumption is that gifts are always optional, even though by tradition they are given, and as a practical matter, mostly assumed. However, a shower, by its nature carries an implied gift responsibility - the whole point of them is to "shower" the honoree with gifts. This is also why it is poor etiquette for the bride herself or the immediate family to throw showers, since it could be seen as a gift grab. This is also why many view someone who accepts multiple showers as a gift grab. Since it is a party with automatically implied gift responsibility, showers are supposed to be small affairs where only the close friends and relatives are invited (the obvious exception to this is the "office shower"). In the case of multiple showers, it is polite to ensure that they involve different groups of people, so that the same people are not constantly buying you gifts, which creates a burden on those individuals.

    #12 GoCubs!

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      Posted 12 March 2009 - 03:45 PM

      I'm actually really torn about even having a wedding shower b/c people are already spending so much money to come down to Mexico that I hate to force them to buy me a gift. It's obvioulsy optional to give us wedding gifts at the wedding, but you HAVE to bring a gift to a shower. We're planning on having a casual AHR where those that couldn't make the wedding will probably bring gifts too so we'll have plenty of opportunities if people choose to give us presents, so a shower may be overkill. Is anyone else feeling this way or is it just me?

      #13 BeautifulBridetoBe

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        Posted 12 March 2009 - 04:39 PM

        I've seriously been thinking about this as I have one person that I did not invite to the wedding because I know that she cannot afford to, I did not want to embarass her, we ran out of invitations and we had to realistically start cutting back on the guest list.I was not worried that she would hear I was getting married and she wasn't invited because we do not flow in the same circles at all. She is an older woman and a dear motherly friend to me.

        But the more I think of her, the more saddened I become when thinking about not having her at my shower beacuse etiquette dictates that only those who have been invited to the wedding must come to the shower. She would love the time out with ladies.

        So I have decided, to heck with etiquette! Destination weddings are acquiring rules of their own anyway and are not bound by traditional rules.

        I invited her - however I did not include a gift registry card in her invitation. I do not want a gift from her - all I want is her presence. I explained the situation, telling her that all I want is for her to join my family and me in celebrating this time in my life.

        So I think that you can invite people to the shower that may have not been invited to the wedding - but you cannot request gifts from these people.

        Let them shower you with their love instead.

        Interested in sharing a Photographer: May 9 - 16, 2009
        Punta Cana, Dominican RepublicPM me if interested....


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          Posted 12 March 2009 - 05:45 PM

          I am inviting all friends family and past coworkers even if they are not invited to the wedding..

          #15 JoLo908

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            Posted 12 March 2009 - 07:39 PM

            So, should MOH invite all of the women who were attending the wedding? They are all good friends for the most part (I am a friendly gal, it is difficult to leave people out!)

            #16 LAURENANDBILL

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              Posted 13 March 2009 - 07:06 PM

              invite them all!!

              #17 tbriley22

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                Posted 17 March 2009 - 10:09 PM

                I'm having three showers, and lingerie party with my girl friends. While we sent out some wedding save the dates to people who aren't coming the wedding (and we knew that when we sent them), we didn't send everyone we know one. Instead, they will be invited to an AHR (guestlist: 200+). There are 50 people coming to my wedding, and I don't want gifts from them. They are all requesting to be invited to showers, some even more than one. I didn't think we would have showers, but when everyone realized they wouldn't be able to come to our wedding they immediately wanted to do something to celebrate with us, hence 3 showers and a party. I'm slowly getting used to the idea of this, although I understand the appearance could be that we just want gifts - not the case at all. I didn't even plan on registering, but the DAY of our engagement women from his church were asking where we were registering. I know in our case destination weddings are a rare situation, so people don't really read into it as gift-whoring. All this shower biz has become a little overwhelming; I'm just ready for my wedding to be here so I don't have any more showers to deal with!

                #18 bsullivan2

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                  Posted 21 March 2009 - 01:19 PM

                  I am having a few problems with this subject as well. My MOH, my sister, is planning my shower. We have all decided to only have one shower. It is kind of weird as to how it is being set up. We are having it at my house. My family and friends live an hour north of me and his family lives an hour south. So I am right in the middle. Anyways, here is my problem. We only sent out STDs for the actual wedding in Jamaica. The shower is in May and we are going to Jamaica in June. We are having AHR in August. I am sending out invitations to the AHR reception in June. But should I still have my MOH invite people who did not get a STD for the wedding but are going to receive an invitation to the AHR? I hope this makes sense :)

                  #19 HotTamale

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                    Posted 21 March 2009 - 02:13 PM

                    Hey girls I share your pain!!!!!

                    (BSullivan2) My situation is similiar to yours. I live 2-hours away from everyone. I sent out 50-invitations to everyone that voiced they can make it to the wedding and the rest to those close family and friends. I am paying for everything and wanted some type of invitiation to go out, but I could only afford 50.

                    I have used our wedding website as a way of communicating all events to everyone, and this has been a money saver, time saver, and great communication method. so even though I have a huge family as does my FI everyone knows the events.

                    Our shower is in May, and it will be a combined couple shower/bachelor/bachelorette celebration. Our wedding is in June, and our AHR is in August. Invitations for the AHR will be mailed when return in June, however I am inviting everyone to the shower/celebration in May...gifts are not required nor are the expected, and I have voiced this to everyone.

                    Our intention is to have everyone together to share the party, and upcoming wedding. Let's be realistic - not everyone can afford a trip, and I don't think anyone wants to make people feel obligated to bring gifts.

                    My opinion is that "old school" tradition gets thrown out the window, after all I chose a destination wedding "not" expecting any traditional methods of a "traditional" wedding. I think that if it's communicated clearly that no offense will not be taken.

                    Our invitations to the shower are to celebrate the upcoming wedding, I'm not including where I'm registered...but if people ask then I will tell them.

                    Not sure if any of this helps, but I'm very non-traditional, but also cognizant of traditional way of thinking, and trying to appease everyone. Good luck, and let us know how everything works out for you!!!!!!

                    #20 kidd 1

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                      Posted 21 March 2009 - 07:09 PM

                      Ok, so I am very confused on the proper thing to do for destination weddings, my daughter is getting married in Jamaica, they are inviting only immmediate family and are not having AHR. Is it ok to have a shower for her with all her family and friends without looking like you are asking for gifts These people carea bout them, its just that they want a small personal wedding.

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