"No gifts, please" - Etiquette experts, please chime in!

[lolkitteh]

I did a search already and didn't find anything on this topic, which was surprising. Anyway, you know the drill. FH and I want to somehow communicate that we really do not want any gifts, especially since we are both well-established and this is his second marriage, plus all guests are having to take time off to travel and be with us at personal expense. Not to mention the fact that we don't want to haul 5 toasters back home! LOL.

 

However, standard etiquette dictates that people learn of this desire through word-of-mouth rather than directly from the couple, just as registry information should always be communicated by word of mouth.

 

I've always felt that putting registry or any sort of gift information on a wedding website to be somehwat tacky. But now I'm faced with the problem of needing a good back-channel method to communicate our own gift wishes indirectly. We can't really rely on word-of-mouth in this case, since everyone is scattered about and unrelated to each other, so I was thinking about putting something on our website in an FAQ section (IE, a little buried), under the question "Where are you registered?" - which we would then say something along the lines of "we aren't registered anwhere because we have each other and that's all we need in life. Your thoughts and good wishes are the best presents we could ever hope and be grateful for" This avoids rudely saying "no gifts", but OTOH, it may not be worded strongly enough for guests to take it seriously and really not bring a gift.

 

So, DW'ers, would putting that on the website be rude? If not, is it worded strongly enough?

 

Or should we just skip addressing the issue altogether unless someone asks? (This is probably the option Miss Manners would suggest, but I'm unconvinced that in this case it's the best option - maybe someone better versed in ettiquette can weigh-in)

[ErinB]

I did put this info on our website. I would never include a card with registry (or lack there of) info.

 

My first heading said something like your Presence is Present enough, with a thank-you similar to what you posted. In case that wasn't strong enough, I added that we respectfully ask guests not to bring a gift to Jamaica because we would not be able to transport them home due to baggage limitations.

 

We did register and I had that info on another tab for showers, AHR guests, and people who were unable to travel.

[sunsetbride1]

FI and I also do not want gifts.. It has been mostly spread through word of mouth. We have not registered anywhere and do not plan on it.

If people become insistant (which I am hearing rumblings that they are starting to) - we are considering putting out information of a charity that we love that people can donate to in leiu of gifts.

[lolkitteh]

Thanks for the opinions everyone! I think we will end up putting something on the website in addition to trying to get the word out by word-of-mouth.

 

We'll see what happens...

[Ana]

we included little cards with our invites which specifically asked ppl not to send gifts, and explained that we didn't have a registry for this precise reason. Its worked ok so far

[BeautifulBridetoBe]

I think the message of no toasters is very clear in this, but I think we may just want to clarify your meaning a little more.

 

Are monetary gifts OK?

 

Reading your message (which was very nicely stated, BTW) let me know that you do not want towels because you have not registered. But it didn't really answer the money question...people can wonder "Is this their way of saying 'We did not register so don't buy us a blender...but we did not say anything about cheques...'"

 

As couples are getting creative in their wording to request money, it's become like asking without really asking...but in the "not asking" there is a hidden message of cash is better, please.

 

The thing about NO GIFTS is that it is a harsh, but clear message. It really gets the point across that no gifts of any kind are necessary.

 

People might assume you would prefer enveloped gifts instead of no gift at all. So here is where word of mouth to solidify and clarify the message of NO GIFTS will be crucial.

 

I like what you have written...I think it may just need to be verbally reinforced as well to ensure guests understand your intent and meaning.

[lolkitteh]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeautifulBridetoBe I think the message of no toasters is very clear in this, but I think we may just want to clarify your meaning a little more. Are monetary gifts OK? Reading your message (which was very nicely stated, BTW) let me know that you do not want towels because you have not registered. But it didn't really answer the money question...people can wonder "Is this their way of saying 'We did not register so don't buy us a blender...but we did not say anything about cheques...'" As couples are getting creative in their wording to request money, it's become like asking without really asking...but in the "not asking" there is a hidden message of cash is better, please.

Hmm.. Thanks for the insightful advice. I guess you don't think "....that's all we need in life. Your thoughts and good wishes are the best presents we could ever hope and be grateful for" indicates that we don't even want monetary gifts? Maybe we could add that if someone wanted to commemerate the wedding with something other than good thoughts that they could do an hour of volunteer work or contribute to a charity of their choice as a tribute?

I should probably also add that it's not like either of us are 20-somethings that could use the money. As mentioned, we are both well-established (with good jobs) and this is FH's second marriage. It would actually be kind of weird for some of our guests (who may be younger and more in the starting-out stage in life) to give us money, so I hadn't even thought that saying we don't have a registry might be interpreted as that we are asking for money instead. It seems to me that money as a gift is something you give to younger people under 30-35.

[BeautifulBridetoBe]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lolkitteh Hmm.. Thanks for the insightful advice. I guess you don't think "....that's all we need in life. Your thoughts and good wishes are the best presents we could ever hope and be grateful for" indicates that we don't even want monetary gifts? Maybe we could add that if someone wanted to commemerate the wedding with something other than good thoughts that they could do an hour of volunteer work or contribute to a charity of their choice as a tribute? I should probably also add that it's not like either of us are 20-somethings that could use the money. As mentioned, we are both well-established (with good jobs) and this is FH's second marriage. It would actually be kind of weird for some of our guests (who may be younger and more in the starting-out stage in life) to give us money, so I hadn't even thought that saying we don't have a registry might be interpreted as that we are asking for money instead. It seems to me that money as a gift is something you give to younger people under 30-35.

I personally like the addition of that idea to what you already have. I think including something about volunteering or a donation to a charity sends the message that no gifts for the couple in any form are necessary. It does away with the "Is money preferred?" question by inadvertently saying "we would prefer you donate your time and resources to a worthy cause."

I hear what you're saying about being financially stable...it's just that some people do not make distinctions using age or circumstance when it comes to a wedding. To them, a wedding is a wedding and in keeping with tradition, some sort of gift is proper.

Because it is a celebration, regardless of your circumstances, your guests may want to give you something.

So suggesting that if they want to, they can give to you by giving to others is wonderful.

[kerryjbrown]

We were adamant about not registering and told everyone no gifts. People actually got angry with us sayign that thye would buy us somethign anyway whether we like it or not. After 3 mos of griping form people, we gave in and did a small registry.

[Sapphire723]

You're right about Miss Manners. Technically, you can't say "No Gifts" politely, because telling people that you don't want gifts means that you expect that they would otherwise bring you a gift and expecting gifts isn't polite. However, it's pretty obvious that people bring gifts to weddings, so in my personal opinion, it's silly to think that no one would.

 

There's a post card floating around (one of the BDW girls has it in her siggy) that says something like "Our travel expenses will be your gift." I think something along the lines of "Your presence is our present" in your FAQs is polite enough.