Postponed wedding. And now I want to move to Chicago? What's wrong with me?

[samanthag]

Quick summary:

FI & I met 3 years ago when I was selling my house in San Antonio and putting all of my things in storage (moving in with a friend for a few months) to save money & move to Chicago with a couple of flight attendants I work with. Chicago is a base for us and I have never lived in a base and always have had to commute to work.- Since 1996!! ugh!

Anyhoo, I tell FI that we can be "friends" because of the move and all but of course things changed & I realized what a wonderful man he is & when he proposed I was super excited. I never thought I would marry but he is a man who will make a great husband and even better father! So what's the problem??

Last year (Feb) he resigned from his job when he found out his dad was diagnosed with an illness and didn't have very long to live.-We quickly made MAJOR adjustments financially. We sold MY car- I pretty much stayed with him for support the ENTIRE year by giving away all of my trips. I also feel like I gave away my life too! But I felt this was the right thing to do and plus I didn't want to leave him to deal with all of this alone.

His Dad died September. We were planning on marrying in Puerto Rico (where he is from) April 2009 but then agreed to change the date to April 2010.- We felt that was enough time to grieve. Yesterday we found out his grandfather in Puerto Rico passed away. His Dad's Dad. So we will be leaving to Puerto Rico either tonight or tomorrow morning......

I know this is going to sound very selfish & for me to say but I just feel like I want my old life back!!!!!!! Everything is soo stressful right now and it's not getting any better!

I've even started looking at apartments in Chicago. FI is totally aware of this. I'm not saying that I don't want to marry him. He is a GREAT guy! I just feel like I don't want to have ANY regrets in life. I want to experience living in the city. Taking the train to work. Finishing a trip and going straight home & not having to worry about the next flight to SanAntonio. Does this make sense? At the same time I don't want to feel like I'm running away from things either.

Of course FI is sooooooooo wonderful that he says that he understands and if I want to move to Chicago that he would come visit me on Thursday nights (he's off on Friday) and stay the weekend. Our only disagreement is who keeps our labradoodle. He is our child.

Well & honestly sometimes he does ask if we are separating. Especially because when we went to print our announcements (just yesterday) about changing our wedding date I didn't want to put the new date just yet.

I understand why he would sometimes feel like I've changed my mind on getting married, but to be honest with your guys I don't know if I have??

I don't want to be a b*tch & leave when things get tough. That's not me.

I just sometimes feel like I've lost myself in this whole thing.

I was slowly starting to go back to work & now with his grandfather I'm going to have to take time off of work again. I told him he should maybe go alone this time but he won't.

I FEEL EMOTIONALLY DRAINED!

 

So girls tell me what you think? Am I crazy? Am I being a b*tch?

Should I stop looking at apartments in Chicago? Is it too late?

I'm going to be a married woman so just forget about it

It's not about only ME anymore??

 

-I'm sorry this is sooo long! I just started typing & couldn't stop!

I need a drink!

[ACDCDCAC]

wow. i dont really know what to say or have much good advice as ive not experienced this situation personally. all i can say is if you are having any sort of doubt about HIM then by all means take the time to figure out what is best for both of you.

 

if its just life in general that has gotten you crazy, and you still feel like at least if you have all these crazy things happening to you at least you have HIM to help support you, then just breathe girl!

 

is there any chance he could move to chicago with you? it doesnt sound like he has spent much time at work this last year either, so maybe its time he gives up some of himself to move away and support your goals and dreams for a while.

[sunsetbride1]

Ooo.. that's a tough one.

I am so sorry for all the losses your family is experiencing!

 

I can offer a few words from my personal experiences...

 

Losing yourself is never good; no matter what the circumstances. When you get married it should be a partnership of two equal and different people who love eachother and respect eachother's individuality. If one of you loses that, then the marraige will suffer. I was married once before, and completely lost myself (and needless to say, the marraige never worked bc of that and MANY other reasons). But, the main challenge I had was that I forgot who I was and my wants/needs. Now, its a daily balancing act and communication/comprimise are key.

 

I would honestly, take a deep breath and look inside of yourself. Maybe.. write down what you want out of life. Experiences that you would like to have, where you would like to live, etc... then sit down with FI (who sounds SO understanding) and go over these wants. Then see which ones are needs and which ones you can happily comprimise. Maybe have FI do the same and compare notes.

 

If you truly want to move, then I agree with Abbie- can FI move with you?

My current situation is that I am pretty much done with being a city girl.. have worked in NYC for almost 10 years and Im sick of the cold and crowds. So, I have discussed it with FI and he has agreed after the wedding; we save some $$, pay off all debt and both start looking into moving down south. That is a comprimise he is making for me; bc it doesn't matter to him that much where we live and it matters SO much to me.

 

I think that that your wedding doubts may come from a place of extreme stress.. it sounds like your lives have been a rollercoaster. Perhaps when you get back from your trip you and FI should commit a weekend to reconnecting. Every relationships hits lulls and needs recharges every once in a while. Whether you stay home and have romantic/sexy picnics in your living room with candles, wine and cheese (which FI and I do) or go away to a little B&B - it helps to just have the two of you.

 

Sorry this is so long.. but hang in there!!! Keep talking to FI and all of us on here.. You will get through this!

[Hartyt509]

I'd say you have to do whats right for YOU. You can't lose yourself or you will be useless and not the person he fell in love with. I know this from personal experience and unfortunately one of my friends is having the same issue. She is just not the person we love as she has done everything in the last 12 years to make hubby happy and he still whines!

 

There is nothing wrong with a distance relationship and to be honest I prefer it. I have time for ME and when FI comes home we are together but we are still both individuals which is what we both need.

 

So its no surprise when I say follow your heart, go to Chicago and try it out. You might hate it and want to go straight back but unless you try you won't know and you will end up resenting it.

[samanthag]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hartyt509 I'd say you have to do whats right for YOU. You can't lose yourself or you will be useless and not the person he fell in love with. I know this from personal experience and unfortunately one of my friends is having the same issue. She is just not the person we love as she has done everything in the last 12 years to make hubby happy and he still whines! There is nothing wrong with a distance relationship and to be honest I prefer it. I have time for ME and when FI comes home we are together but we are still both individuals which is what we both need. So its no surprise when I say follow your heart, go to Chicago and try it out. You might hate it and want to go straight back but unless you try you won't know and you will end up resenting it.

Thanks girls!!!! I really mean that!
Thank you soo much for your advice and support!!
I think I needed a little reassurance that I am not being a spoiled little brat!

I have taken to heart what all you guys have said and do feel that I'm feeling this way because of this emotional roller-coaster we have been living. Before all of this we had no stress. And I had no desire to move anywhere. I was happy here!
I know that losing myself in all of this is definitely not a good thing.
And so long as FI is okay with it (he just wants me to be happy) I'm going to visit with a leasing agent next week in Chicago & go for it. When I was working we wouldn't be with each other for min 4 days so I think if I move to experience something I've always wanted to he can commute to Chicago & visit me on the weekends when he's off. Hell, I can even bid work to have SanAntonio overnights during the week & we would see each other then too!

Ahhhhhhhhhhh I feel like I can breathe already! =)
You girls are the bestest!
xoxoxo