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Problems with not including my father's new wife (LONG)

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#1 DGG

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    Posted 17 January 2009 - 04:14 AM

    We are getting married in the Bahamas on the beach.. but my FI was upset when we realized we couldn't have a roman catholic priest (our religion) do our ceremony - so the compromise in the end, we are having our beach ceremony with all 50-60 of our guests at 5pm (then reception as planned) and a "secret" church ceremony that morning.
    We aren't going to tell anyone about it except our immediate family - because we still want the beach ceremony and everything else as we had planned.
    So, for our "secret" church ceremony, we were only going to have immediate family - which is my father and mother (who are divorced), 3 sibs, and FIs father (his mother passed away years ago) and his 2 sibs. We really wanted to keep it as small as possible and were considering just having our parents but decided to include our siblings as well.
    So - my issue - is my father remarried 2 years ago and neither myself or my FI really like his new wife. She has done several things that have really bothered me over the last 2 years and did nothing to include us my sister or I in their wedding. I really don't want her to be there for several reasons - including the fact that I don't like her, don't really know her all that well, and with my FIs mother not being there, having my mom and her sort of seems even more inappropriate.
    I told my dad this and he is really upset - he said it isn't right if his wife isn't there with him. I told him this is for only our immediate family and my MOH (my BF) isn't going to be there and noone else is going to be there - so I don't feel comfortable having her there..
    Sorry this got so long - but I could use some feedback if I am being unreasonable or ways to explain to my dad that I'm not comfortable with having her there...

    #2 EricaG

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      Posted 17 January 2009 - 04:45 AM

      That is a difficult one, but if you don't want her there for the church ceremony, then you shouldn't have to have her there. I would just try talking to your Dad about more, and if he starts getting upset, then try again later. In the end, it is your wedding, and your choice, so hopefully your Dad will understand that and see his wife is still invited to the beach wedding along with everyone else. Good luck!
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      #3 samanthag

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        Posted 17 January 2009 - 09:17 AM

        This is definitely a hard one!
        Sometimes I myself wish that my Stepmom would just step aside from this whole thing. I don't know what it is about them feeling "entitled" to be at family events. Grant it she has married my Dad BUT he WAS married 23years ago & has 2 children-all of which she knew before getting involved with him.
        I am nooooo help!
        My advice to you is stay strong and do what is right for you and your family.

        #4 travelhappy527

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          Posted 17 January 2009 - 11:00 AM

          This is a difficult thing for you, but just remember he is your dad & she was his choice to marry. You can't change how she is, but you could make things even worse by not including her. You said she didn't include you & your sister in her wedding, but please don't use that as a reason for doing the same. Try to be a bigger person than she & remember if push comes to shove & your dad is forced to choose between his daughter or his wife, he could possible choose her & then where would you be? I know it's difficult, but suck it up, include her, don't worry about it & enjoy your big day!!

          #5 petunia

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            Posted 17 January 2009 - 11:14 AM

            I almost hate to comment here, because, you see, I'm that woman. And I was the recipient of the same attitude from my fiance's daughter who was married last summer.

            Your father's wife is now family. Would you exclude a sibling's spouse if you didn't like him/her? True, this is your wedding and you can do whatever you want. You have an opportunity to take the high road, be gracious and mature.

            Without going into the whole story, just be aware that you are causing a tremendous amount of hurt to your father's wife, and more importantly, to your father. A parent seeing his or her child marry is a very special moment. I hope you won't smear the memory of your wedding day as the time when you caused him a great deal of hurt. I don't know if my fiance will ever get over his daughter's mean-spirited spite. If he does, it might take a very long time.

            #6 Debs

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              Posted 17 January 2009 - 12:00 PM

              This is my opinion only but I think it's highly inappropriate not to include your stepmother. For goodness sake, it's your father's wife, and she IS immediate family. What an aweful thing to make your father choose between you and her, which is essentially what you are doing, and it's obviously already hurt your dad by the way he reacted (I don't blame him at all).

              #7 Debs

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                Posted 17 January 2009 - 12:00 PM

                This was a double post anyway, but I wanted to add, if she didn't include you in her marriage to your father, that means he didn't either. Don't hold that against her.

                #8 Hartyt509

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                  Posted 17 January 2009 - 12:14 PM

                  I think its up to you what you want to do. If I had my way FMIL's new hubby wouldn't be at my wedding because I can't stand him but there again I don't like her either lol

                  It is your decision and whatever you decide you have to live with it. If it's going to make you miserable then don't invite her YOU have to be happy with what you are doing. It's not as if you aren't inviting her period its just to the church wedding which is a small part of the whole day.

                  Upshot do what you and your FI want and deal with any fall out, but don't do something just to make someone else happy at your and FI's expense

                  #9 Jennifer Davis

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                    Posted 17 January 2009 - 12:42 PM

                    I have to agree with Debs. Now that your father married this woman - she is IMMEDIATE family. We all have family members we don't like hence the saying, "You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family". I think you need to include your stepmother in your church wedding. Weddings are a family event. They are a big deal for your Mom and Dad too. It is probably very important to your Dad to have his wife there. Another saying, "Two wrongs don't make a right". I agree with petunia, Debs and travelhappy - the right thing to do would be to include her - be the bigger person!

                    #10 Kat81

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                      Posted 17 January 2009 - 01:26 PM

                      I agree with Debs. As hard as it may be she is your family now. And your Dad obviously loves her very much and would want to share that with her. I would be the bigger person and invite her as well. Just for the sake of peace if anything.

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