how do you know when he's "the one"?
Posted 04 December 2008 - 07:14 PM
So I know this is supposed to be the happiest time in our lives right? So how do you know when the person your with is the one through thick and thin? Sure, everone has their moments and I know that things arent always going to be a brand new shiny penny...but when is it everyday struggles and when is it time to say maybe we should stop? I don't want to give the wrong idea here... My fiance and i are happy...mostly. We have a 2 year old son and he is our world! Its just sometimes I wonder if were just going through the actions because that what were "supposed" to do. I miss the way it was when we were first together (5 years ago). The way he used to look at me, tak to me... I ask myself alot if my expectations are too high and if its just me. We do love eachother and there is still alot of love there I guess im just hoping im not alone in questioning?! I mean...you only get married once!
Thats what i'm trying to aim for atleast (hence ?s).
So.. what do you think?
Posted 04 December 2008 - 09:43 PM
Posted 04 December 2008 - 09:53 PM
Maybe talking about how you feel and then maybe rekindling the romance might work. Hopefully it'll bring back the sparks and you'll both realize you both are meant to be.
Posted 04 December 2008 - 10:12 PM
Posted 05 December 2008 - 12:33 PM
so.. think / talk this out.. with him, your family, your friends, yourself.. is he the one that you really want in the long run.. does your gut tell you that this is it? It might not always be a fairy tale the way some people make it out to be.. but it might be right for YOU.. which is most important! Good luck!
Posted 05 December 2008 - 12:46 PM
After three years, he still looks at me the way he did when we first met - and in return I do the same. I don't mean to say this is easy - it IS a conscious effort, because we are committed and believe that marraige is a life long comittment.
Posted 05 December 2008 - 01:19 PM
Almost ten years ago, I got engaged to someone that I went to college with, but did not date until four years after graduation. I thought at the time, I was 27 and it was time to get married . . . he was a "nice" guy and my family liked him. Frankly, I convinced myself that this was a good step for me . . . until I actually had to pick out the vows for our ceremony. In attempting to do that, I realized that I couldn't say any of these vows and mean them the way a person should on their wedding day. I tried to ignore these feelings, but as the day approached, I felt increasing DREAD. And that is exactly the word. Not nerves, not doubts, but DREAD. And that was totally what caused me to call the whole thing off. I could have never went through with the wedding; if I had we would for sure be divorced or at the very least very unhappy. Ending that engagement was one of the best decisions that I ever made, and even though I spent significant time after that feeling lonely and dating people who were not very good for me, I have never regretted my decision. I really got to know myself during that time and I learned what I need and want in a partner.
As a family law attorney for six years, I saw most divorces occur because of one simple reason: inability to communicate. Most people didn't know enough about themselves to know how to communicate their needs to their partner, and many didn't know how to effectively respond to their partner's needs without feeling "put upon". I usually suggested therapy for my clients so they could figure out why this situation happened and how to prevent it from happening again. Otherwise, there is a high probability that they will keep making the same poor choices over and over again. I would see some people marry the same type over and over (alcoholic, physically abusive, selfish, cheater, etc.).
When I met my current FH, I just felt that "click". I have a very clear memory of the first time we talked on the phone and how I felt that our communication was different and really comfortable. We are very similar, and that works for us. I can't imagine my FH not being in my life, and I cannot imagine how anyone could measure up to the wonderful man that he is. I don't have him on a pedestal or anything because he does make mistakes, as we all do, but I know that he is a good man who is committed to me and our future together.
I don't know if any of these insights help you - I don't have a situation where a child is involved so I don't know how things would be then. I do know that many couples who were divorcing tried to stay together for the kids. Unfortunately, it just ended up screwing up the kid more than if they had just gotten divorced when they knew things weren't going to work out. A child should see a healthy relationship so that they can recognize it as "normal"; if a child sees nothing but fighting and abusive behavior, they will seek out that type of realtionship when they get older because it feels "right".
Posted 05 December 2008 - 02:06 PM
Posted 05 December 2008 - 04:40 PM
I think it's very normal & healthy to ask yourself these questions. In fact, yesterday I went to visit with a friend and brought up this issue.
I've been with my FI for 3 years. This past year we have been together every single day. His dad became very ill & FI resigned from his job. I stayed home from my job for support.- Fi dad passed away in September.
The "spark" in our relationship is definitely gone right now.- It's not always easy...
But at the end of the day I know that my FI is my bestest friend. In my past relationships I never considered the guys I dated to be my "friend". I think that's the big difference in guys I "dated" and now the man I'm going to marry. Fi and I actually COMMUNICATE- good or bad. And this is the man I want by my side for the rest of my life.
Posted 05 December 2008 - 06:27 PM
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