9 replies to this topic

[missdanelle]

okay... so not to be a downer or anything, but I was hoping to get some other perspectives out there.
So I know this is supposed to be the happiest time in our lives right? So how do you know when the person your with is the one through thick and thin? Sure, everone has their moments and I know that things arent always going to be a brand new shiny penny...but when is it everyday struggles and when is it time to say maybe we should stop? I don't want to give the wrong idea here... My fiance and i are happy...mostly. We have a 2 year old son and he is our world! Its just sometimes I wonder if were just going through the actions because that what were "supposed" to do. I miss the way it was when we were first together (5 years ago). The way he used to look at me, tak to me... I ask myself alot if my expectations are too high and if its just me. We do love eachother and there is still alot of love there I guess im just hoping im not alone in questioning?! I mean...you only get married once!
Thats what i'm trying to aim for atleast (hence ?s).

So.. what do you think?

[Bridget810]

I think it's completely normal to have doubts; getting married is a huge, life-changing event. I think most couples experience this. In the end, you just gotta trust your gut. In the meantime, talk to your friends, family, and BDW members about your doubts and concerns; talking is the best way to achieve catharsis and then gain insight into your situation!

[jessyg20]

I know a lot of married couples going through what you described. They look at my husband and I and say "Enjoy it while it lasts". It's scary! I guess one thing I know and makes our relationship work is communication. My husband is my best friend. I can tell him anything and he's very good at keeping me up to date.
Maybe talking about how you feel and then maybe rekindling the romance might work. Hopefully it'll bring back the sparks and you'll both realize you both are meant to be.

[Jen_S]

I also have to say that every relationship goes through the up and downs but you have to make sure that when it is down times he becomes your rock. New love only lasts so long but that deep love is forever. Your gut will guide you. Good luck!

[laybar]

My FH just asked me this question last night.. 'ow do you know that this isnt just we're supopsed to do bc its the next step in our relationship or if we are really going to last forever..'i told him that at the end of the day.. who knows, you know.. BUT I KNOW that I love him more than anything.. that he's the most important person in my life.. I KNOW that I WANT to be with him.. that I'm so happy with him and can no longer imagine (nor do i want to) my life without him.. I KNOW that I want to be Mrs. Pena.. I WANT to be his wife.. I WANT to start our own family and make our own traditions as a married couple.. so we could only hope that this is IT, but you have to want it.. and I WANT it! No matter what happens.. the bad times are sometimes going to happen, but i dont want it to break us.. we'll work though it together like we have in the past.. He said to me.. 'That's all I needed to hear'.. I realized afterwards that he asked me to make sure that I was feeling good about taking the next step and that it's not just what we're 'supposed' to be doing..

so.. think / talk this out.. with him, your family, your friends, yourself.. is he the one that you really want in the long run.. does your gut tell you that this is it? It might not always be a fairy tale the way some people make it out to be.. but it might be right for YOU.. which is most important! Good luck!

[Amarillis]

I know that my FI is the one because he has never ever in three years made me cry sad tears (I cried when he proposed, so I consider that happy tears).

After three years, he still looks at me the way he did when we first met - and in return I do the same. I don't mean to say this is easy - it IS a conscious effort, because we are committed and believe that marraige is a life long comittment.

[luvtoteachlaw]

I feel like I have many different perspectives on this issue. First, I was engaged before (to someone else) and called off my wedding. Second, I practiced family law for six years prior to teaching and I saw all kinds of things that cause couples and families to implode. Lastly, now that I have met "the one" I now realize how right this is for me.

Almost ten years ago, I got engaged to someone that I went to college with, but did not date until four years after graduation. I thought at the time, I was 27 and it was time to get married . . . he was a "nice" guy and my family liked him. Frankly, I convinced myself that this was a good step for me . . . until I actually had to pick out the vows for our ceremony. In attempting to do that, I realized that I couldn't say any of these vows and mean them the way a person should on their wedding day. I tried to ignore these feelings, but as the day approached, I felt increasing DREAD. And that is exactly the word. Not nerves, not doubts, but DREAD. And that was totally what caused me to call the whole thing off. I could have never went through with the wedding; if I had we would for sure be divorced or at the very least very unhappy. Ending that engagement was one of the best decisions that I ever made, and even though I spent significant time after that feeling lonely and dating people who were not very good for me, I have never regretted my decision. I really got to know myself during that time and I learned what I need and want in a partner.

As a family law attorney for six years, I saw most divorces occur because of one simple reason: inability to communicate. Most people didn't know enough about themselves to know how to communicate their needs to their partner, and many didn't know how to effectively respond to their partner's needs without feeling "put upon". I usually suggested therapy for my clients so they could figure out why this situation happened and how to prevent it from happening again. Otherwise, there is a high probability that they will keep making the same poor choices over and over again. I would see some people marry the same type over and over (alcoholic, physically abusive, selfish, cheater, etc.).

When I met my current FH, I just felt that "click". I have a very clear memory of the first time we talked on the phone and how I felt that our communication was different and really comfortable. We are very similar, and that works for us. I can't imagine my FH not being in my life, and I cannot imagine how anyone could measure up to the wonderful man that he is. I don't have him on a pedestal or anything because he does make mistakes, as we all do, but I know that he is a good man who is committed to me and our future together.

I don't know if any of these insights help you - I don't have a situation where a child is involved so I don't know how things would be then. I do know that many couples who were divorcing tried to stay together for the kids. Unfortunately, it just ended up screwing up the kid more than if they had just gotten divorced when they knew things weren't going to work out. A child should see a healthy relationship so that they can recognize it as "normal"; if a child sees nothing but fighting and abusive behavior, they will seek out that type of realtionship when they get older because it feels "right".

[Ana]

In the beginning things are different because they're new and exciting. Every day you learn more and more about your partner and things they do surprise you. As you progress through your relationship that "new" excitement fades and you're left with the relationship that you created. Being married, being inlove and having a positive and good relationship are a choice to a certain extent. You choose daily what battles to fight and which to let go. You choose to put effort into your relationship, or not. Its a choice all the way not a right or divine intervention. Alot of divorces (although not all by any means) happen because people give up and choose not to fight for their relationship. Personally some of the initial excitement has passed for my FI and I as well, but he is my best friend and the only person I would ever want to be with. We have our issues, but we work at them every day, and are commited to making our wedding and relationship work. That's my 2 cents

[samanthag]

Thanks for starting this thread...

I think it's very normal & healthy to ask yourself these questions. In fact, yesterday I went to visit with a friend and brought up this issue.

I've been with my FI for 3 years. This past year we have been together every single day. His dad became very ill & FI resigned from his job. I stayed home from my job for support.- Fi dad passed away in September.
The "spark" in our relationship is definitely gone right now.- It's not always easy...
But at the end of the day I know that my FI is my bestest friend. In my past relationships I never considered the guys I dated to be my "friend". I think that's the big difference in guys I "dated" and now the man I'm going to marry. Fi and I actually COMMUNICATE- good or bad. And this is the man I want by my side for the rest of my life.

[missdanelle]

wow. Thank you all for everything. It is soo nice hearing the different perspectives. Aside from my friends and family ya know! Its also very comforting to know that what I am going through is very normal. By no means are my FI and i yelling at eachother or fighting...I just have a habit of questioning everything. Especially when it has to do with the REST OF MY LIFE! I have taken a little from each of your responses and I think that in the end it will all be just fine. Bottom line is that we need more communication. thank you all again, sincerely. I really appreciate it! Look forward to hearing what anyone else has to share!