We're just not getting along right now- Is this bad? (Long)

[Mrs. Martin]

So, we've only been married for two months and the last few days we have just been on each other's last nerve! I don't think this is good...

 

My hubby and I didn't live together until we got married nor have we ever lived with a boyfriend/girlfriend in our previous relationships; this was very new to both of us. Plus, the house we were suppose to buy together fell out of escrow, so until we find another one we moved into the house he already owned and I pretty much took over that (I redecorated immediately and got rid of some of his stuff). So, I'm sure that hasn't been easy for him either. So, I expected this to be difficult at some point as we both get use to one another's annoying habbits and in each other's or whatever. But, this is where I think the problem started-

 

My hubby is a police officer, so his schedule is very different from mine. The days he does work, he's gone for an average of 15 hours then just comes home to sleep and the days he's off, he's usually busy working in the garage or doing whatever he couldn't do the days he was working. And, we were both use to that schedule because even before we lived together, I would only come over on his days off. So, the first few weeks of our marriage, I didn't seem that different from before besides the fact that I'm now sleeping there every night instead of a few times a week!

 

Well, my hubby just got promoted and is currently in sergeant school for a month getting trained and is now working a Mon-Fri schedule and he's off by 4 daily. For the first time ever, we both have the same schedules and now see each other every single day. It's been like this for 2 weeks and the last few days, I think he's just had it with me. I think it's much more him than it is me because he's the one just being short, but then I respond the same way back to him so I'm sure I contribute tons to the problem. I rolled my eyes at him yesterday because I asked him something about the dog and he told me not to worry about it. Well, after I rolled my eyes, he got so upset he yelled "I hate it when you do that" then slammed the office door in front of me and locked it. I just laughed and went to bed. But, it's stupid little arguements lately that have been making us go to bed the last few nights with out even talking and it bothers me because we are newlyweds! This isn't suppose to happen, right?!

 

I know this is a big transition for both of us since we are living with someone else for the first time and we are constantly in each other's space, but I'm just starting to worry that this is not the way a marriage is suppose to start? Am I just worried over something completely normal or is this a big deal?

[boscobel]

I don't know if I would say it's normal, but it's definately not ab-normal. I think that things change once we are married, even if it's only subconsciously. And the time change is a huge difference! Plus the fact that your hubbie is in the process of getting a promotion. You jsut have a couple big stressers going on, so that is why I don't think it's abnormal.

 

But what, in general, is he mad at most of the time? Just wondering, cuz it wasn't very specific about the situation.

 

Sometimes people just need personal space. Like I need ALOT of it, and I get really cranky and sometimes downright mean if I don't get it. Matt is learning that, even though he would much rather smother me, or have me smother him. So we are still learning eahc other's needs, wants, limits, etc. I am sure what you are experiencing is a combination of many, many things and it doesn't at all indicate that your marriage isn't going well.

[KAMAY11]

I think this is completely normal....you said it perfectly in your last paragraph--this is a huge transition for both of you!!! You are now sharing your life with someone, whereas before you were used to having your own space.

WHen my husband and I first moved in together, it was definitely a struggle! I think any couple would tell you that. I have also been told that the first year of marriage is the most difficult. It's hard to hear that since we'd all the love to have the "fairytale" of being newlyweds and live happliy ever after.... but realistically though-with life, the way the economy is going and the stress of EVERYTHING it's bound to cause some struggles!!

I think it starts to become a big deal when the respect for one another starts to dissapear and you don't look at him like a partner and a best friend anymore.

Hang in there girl!!

[Mrs. Martin]

Hey Carly,

 

I think 90% of it is just what you said, space. We are both the type that need our alone time and now with his schedule change, we don't have much of that. The other 10% of it, I'm not really sure what it is. We're not fighting over anything in particular, it's more of us getting annoyed with each other and snapping over petty things.

[boscobel]

Well I bet the other 10% would seem alot better if both of you were getting the space that you need. Are there things that you can do to still get it? Like perhaps hang out in different rooms occasionally, run errands separately, pick up a hobbie? I think you are just going thru the learning process and you will be fine. Although, it never hurts to talk about it.

 

For a long time, Matt always took it personal that I want time alone. Until he realized it wasn't time away from him, as much as time to myself. There is a difference. It took alot of talking about that to make him realize that I just treasure my alone time, and i still love to be with him. So perhaps talking to him about it would help as well. Although, if he already feels cramped, that might just feel needy to him right now.

[samanthag]

I'm sorry that you are going through this.

Please know that you are not alone. I think that moving in together is a HUGE adjustment! Add in marriage and ugh you guys have a lot going on!!!!

Personally when FI and I first moved in together I thought I made the biggest mistake ever! I called my mom in tears because I didn't know what to do.

1) I had to learn to compromise. I wanted to throw all his stuff out (like his 2 boxes of shot glasses??) because they didn't have a purpose in the home I was creating.

2) I'm not a police officer, I'm a flight attendant. -I know big diff between the two- My point though is that with my job I always feel like I'm "on". I'm in the public eye. I'm responsible for FAA safety regulations,protecting my passengers,I'm in a mode,etc... -When I get home I just want to detox. It literally takes me 1 whole day! My FI would be so excited to see me and just want to talk talk talk, but I just wanted to be by myself. I love my FI with all my heart but I just need my alone time. It took him a while to understand that it's nothing against him. That it's okay for us to be in separate rooms in our house at the same time.

 

I bring this up because maybe this can explain his behavior. Before you guys were married he had his "alone" time during his work schedule. Now he is probably trying to adjust to having you there. He needs to figure out his "detox" from his super stressful job.

I hope what I said makes sense to you. I don't think you should take it personal.

I'm not justifying his behavior but this may be 1 reason why he is acting the way he is??

[Jacqueline]

Quote:

Originally Posted by KAMAY11 I think this is completely normal....you said it perfectly in your last paragraph--this is a huge transition for both of you!!! You are now sharing your life with someone, whereas before you were used to having your own space. WHen my husband and I first moved in together, it was definitely a struggle! I think any couple would tell you that. I have also been told that the first year of marriage is the most difficult. It's hard to hear that since we'd all the love to have the "fairytale" of being newlyweds and live happliy ever after.... but realistically though-with life, the way the economy is going and the stress of EVERYTHING it's bound to cause some struggles!! I think it starts to become a big deal when the respect for one another starts to dissapear and you don't look at him like a partner and a best friend anymore. Hang in there girl!!

I agree!

Also the space thing Carly mentioned is very true too.

Joe and I first shared a shore house together before we got engaged and lived together. We spent weekends together and saw each other during the week a few times, so I didnt think much would change too much. But before you know it you move your stuff in, redecorate, you have lil habits, he has habits and it all clashes together. I think with time and patience you two will be okay ) I thought a few times that me and Joe were never to make it, b/c he irritated the heck out of me. I got myself all worked up over it for nothing...but b/c we love each other more than anything things worked out- but it will take you two to work at it, kwim? Just pick your battles And like mentioned above, they say the first year is the hardest, so don't stress yourself over this. Unless it's hard-core specific things, like you two just getting nasty and not respecting each other anymore, I think you'll be okay. Good luck, keep us posted!

[sunsetbride1]

I think that you are both going through a huge transition. Living together is a very, very different ballgame than just spending all your free time together. Before, not matter what.. you each had your own space to retreat to (own home) if you needed to get away; taking away that safety net even if you never used or or consciously acknowledged it was there is a huge shock to your relationship.

 

Personal space is such an important part of having a partner; and that is what your Fh is... a partner in your life. You need to both have yourselves and yourselves with eachother. Part of the fighting may be both of your subconscious' way of fighting for your identity. That's one of the biggest fears for an independent person when they move in togehter and especially get married; the loss of their own identity. And in the end, once it's realized that you can still be yourself, have your own space and identity - along with having a blissful partnership... the little stuff will stop bothering both of you as much.

 

Personally, Fh and I will spend time in the same house doing different things for periods of time. He loves to play computer games (I know.. sigh..) - so he gets his game night once a week and I either go out with my friends or sit downstairs and watch silly Lifetime girly movies.

 

The most important thing (as someone else said) is learning to let the little stuff go.. is it really a big deal that he never changes the toilet paper roll or I leave the kitchen cabinets open?!?!

 

Fh and I do fight.... that's part of what we do! He tellls me when I am being a complete and I tell him when he is being an . That is why we work, we keep eachother in line.

 

As long as your fighting NEVER EVER crosses the line of respect; then you have nothing to worry about. It will get better.

 

Fairytales romances that are perfect.. are just that.. fairytales.

[Hartyt509]

I suppose I'm lucky because FI moved in here pretty quickly but he is in the army so I don't see him more than about once a month for a weekend lol

 

When he is home for a week I want to stab him by the Friday but I go to work and switch off and its not so bad.

 

It really is just getting used to living in each other's pocket, it probably didn't help redecorating his house tho! he must have thought jesus my world has been turned upside down lol

 

Just take a 10 min break from each other and honestly it'll be fine. I've warned FI he needs to work away when he gets out in 3 months because the thought of him here 24/7 and messing up my house and routine will make me want to kill him lol

 

He does the game thing and it irritates the hell out of me so I go off and do something else and when he's not watching take the fuse out of the plug lmao

 

Honestly though its a massive change and just take it one step at a time. The romantic ideal is lovely but probably doesn't exist for many so baby steps and you'll be on here saying you are celebrating your 10th wedding anniversary before long x

[Mrs. Martin]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts on this. You are all very right and I feel better knowing that this isn't an unusual bump in the road we are going through!

 

I use to feel like a bad person when I secretly wanted to kick my husband to shut him up after he's been talking about crap I don't care about after I just finished driving over an hour from work- and now I don't feel so bad because it's not just me! I just hope these next few days don't continue the way they have been going because this makes me not even want to go home! I just have to keep reminding myself his schedule will only be like this for another two weeks.....

 

I'll keep you ladies posted tonight on what happens when I go home...