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Dealing with Families and a DW....

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14 replies to this topic

#1 Mixie23

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    Posted 14 November 2008 - 01:49 PM

    I just thought I would reach out and see if anyone has any advice on dealing with families. My FI's family is having financial trouble. While my FI originally said that he wanted the DW regardless of whether his family could come or not (we are also having a reception back in NY that they could attend), now that they are beginning to complain about the financial strain (mind you they waited until after everything was booked) he is beginning to change his mind. We have already decided to pay for their airfare so that they can attend, and we have worked out with our TA for them to have a payment plan, and only come from Friday - Monday (the wedding is on Saturday). As it is my family is paying for both the DW and the reception in NY completely, his family never even offered to help. Last night, his brother called and backed out of being his best man, saying that there is no way they could financially afford it, even if we paid for their air. I have suggested many many times that perhaps just his best man come, and not his wife and their daughter, even though obviously we would love it if they could all come. Neither my FI or his brother are willing to do this. Now what do I do? I have decided to set up a meeting with my future BIL and hope to persuade him to come to the wedding for my FI's sake. If we only had to pay his airfare and not for three tickets, we could even pay the majority of his hotel costs too. I hate to say it, but I feel like they are being ridiculous, this is his twin brother. Any suggestions or am I just being an "oversensitive, been through so much already with the DT mess" bride

    #2 adias.angel

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    • 719 posts

      Posted 14 November 2008 - 02:15 PM

      I think you are doing the right thing by offering to pay for him. Even if she just came down for 2 days he wouldn't be away from his family for long and your FI still has his brother. Carla

      #3 can't wait!

      can't wait!
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      • 517 posts

        Posted 14 November 2008 - 02:18 PM

        Nicole, this is a toughie. But one thing you should know is you are NOT being oversensitive. No way. So don't even beat yourself up over that.
        Something similar happened to us and as it turned out, my FH's brother (best man) is coming ALONE without the wife and 4 kids. AND, we paid for his airfare. Still, he complained the resort was too much! Gimme a break.
        One thing I've learned throughout this entire process is people will find $ to do the things they really want to do. And they will say they don't have $$ for the things they really don't care about.

        Example, my FH's brother I was telling you about. We told them in JANUARY about the wedding so they can start saving $$$. Well, they immediately told us they didn't have the money to go. The year goes by and guess who went on more vacations than my FH and I? Yup. The brother took the entire family for a long weekend beach trip for the Fourth. And in September took the entire family to disneyworld for a week! A whole week! Plus, add in a couple of long weekends here and there. And this is the guy who told us he didn't have the $$$ to bring his family to our wedding and the guy we had to pay airfare for!

        I know it's a tough call but if you want a DW then go for it. I say screw everyone else. My argument to those who aren't coming to our wedding is "hey, we gave you almost AN ENTIRE YEAR to save for it." If you couldn't do it in that time, well, you really didn't care to come!

        Have your DW wedding! No regrets.

        #4 amyc

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          Posted 14 November 2008 - 03:36 PM


          I completely agree with "can't wait"...people will find the money to do the things they really want to do. You are being very generous by offering to pay for their airfare and honestly that's all you can do.

          I've struggled with the same thing because I want to try to make everyone happy and don't want people to be financially burdened. We have some friends that have decided to save all year and make our wedding their family vacation because they really want to be there. Then there are people like my Dad...who is "going to try to come if he can get enough money saved"....yet he's spending over $5000 to go on a fishing trip in Brazil!?! Obviously my wedding isn't a priority to him.

          It's disappointing and it stings but at the end of the day it's about you and your fiancee. You aren't going to make everyone happy...even if you have a wedding at home. The people that really want to be there are going to find a way to come.

          So focus on what the wedding is all about...you and your fiancee! And have FUN!

          P.S. I'm getting married at Dreams Tulum just a few weeks after you. I can't wait! :)

          #5 Mel&B

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          • 613 posts

            Posted 14 November 2008 - 04:16 PM

            This is tough. FI is paying for his parents air fare AND hotel for 5 nights AND misc spending money AND passports. Basically everything! This causes a strain on us because we can't afford to do everything WE really want to do because of this (like fly first class). However, we knew when we chose to have a DW that this would be the case.

            #6 tara5258

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            • 10 posts

              Posted 14 November 2008 - 04:31 PM

              we have been having a similar situation. We have decided to go just us, and have a reception afterwards. the complaints that friends and family were having were becoming too much for my fiance. I am at peace with the fact that some people can come and some people will not. we are deciding about having just parents come and his sister, but the thought of just us too sounds awsome to me at this point! Remember it is your day, and it is about the two of you!

              #7 DanielleNDerek

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                Posted 14 November 2008 - 05:01 PM

                Nicole you guys are being very very generous by paying for their airfare. I'm guessing from your join date of June that his family has/had a year to save some money. And if they are going for only a long weekend, and you guys are paying the airfare, they should be able to pay for their stay. I agree with what other girls said, people have the money for things they want to be there for. If it was really important for your fbil to be there for his bro he would find a way to make it. Dont beat yourself up over it.
                ***Married November 6, 2008***Gavin Born February 28th, 2010***
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                #8 ~*~Margie~*~

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                  Posted 14 November 2008 - 05:02 PM

                  I think I have posted on any thread with a similar subject because I can totally relate. We got engaged the first week of June '08. 2 weeks later we decided to have a DW and planned it for May 2009. We told everyone that we felt was the most important to have there in person and via email immediately so they had 11 months to plan. In July I sent out STD/Invites to everyone else, so 10 months to plan. Well, FI parents immediately said they could not go due to money. The mention of saving never came up. I stressed to my TA that we needed the BEST possible prices to be reasonable and fair to our guests and I feel we got that. I don't believe it is beyond the realm of possibilty to save up $1800-$2000 in 11 months for something you truly want to do but thats just me I guess. Meanwhile, FI brother also started throwing around the money issue and brings it up nearly every time the wedding comes up. I understand that times are hard, I truly truly do, but this is FAMILY. I have a son, and when he gets married, no matter where it is, I would move heaven and earth to be there and I feel the same way about my brother when he gets married, so it is hard for me to fathom family acting like this I guess. Anyway, now that my long rant is over , do what is going to make you and your FI happy. If FI is having doubts now you may have to find a middle ground somewhere. Don't let others get in the way of what will make you both happy.

                  #9 tylersgirl

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                  • 1,681 posts

                    Posted 14 November 2008 - 05:05 PM

                    I feel so bad for you-this is not your fault. They had plenty enough time to save their $$ for your wedding. Just remember this day is about you and your FI and y'all are going to be so happy and have so much fun there (even if they don't come). I think that is so sweet of y'all to offer to pay for part of the costs, but that's all y'all can do. I feel like y'all have given a lot and they need to give a little too. It's your special day!

                    #10 sunstarsmoon

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                    • 2,233 posts

                      Posted 14 November 2008 - 05:09 PM


                      I totally agree with what you are saying. I have told everyone what the plan is and told them we would love for you to come but if you cant we understand that way there is no pressure on anyone and really all I care about is getting married on the beach with my husband to be. I think right now there are 4 couples coming. My daughter and her husband, son and his girlfriend and my future in-laws, and my moh and her husband. And if for some reason they all cancel thats fine with me!
                      July 8, 2011, Couples Sans Souci Ocho Rios, Jamaica

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