BM Issue...

[sunsetbride1]

Am I being unreasonable??

 

I asked one of my very close friends to be a BM in our wedding. At the time, she had just started dating a guy (after being single for long time), who honestly, none of us (our group of friends) really love. That being said, as long as she is happy; I am thrilled for her, my opinion really doesn't matter that much as long as he treats her well and she likes him.

 

Now, whenever I try to plan something to go dress shopping or get together to do wedding stuff or even just to catch up and have a glass of wine she is almost always busy with him. He works a strange work schedule; so they try to spend every moment when he is not working together. But, I hardly ever see her anymore because she is always with him... They go to his country home on weekends (yes, he has a few 'country homes') - so weekends are totally out of the question most of the time because she will be 'away'. Weeknights are tough on all of us bc we all work a lot; but even then, she is with him most of the time.

 

I am becoming increasingly frusterated with her. She is a good person and I know she is just excited about her relationship; but I am also feeling like she is ditching her friends. I have tried to tell her but she doesn't seem to be getting it.

 

Am I just being a selfish bch and bridezilla because I want her to participate and spend time with the BP? Or even just get together with me to catch up?

[montegobay09]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It may be a tough situation and wouldn't be easy to talk about but I think I would tell her that you feel like you're losing touch and you really don't want to feel that way since your wedding is coming up. If you tell her that and then ask her to spend more time with you maybe she'll be more likely to give in. Try not to critisize him or her though cause that'll just put her on the definsive and make her want to spend more time with him.

Good luck!

[BachataBride]

Hmmm...I understand the shift work & wanting to spend all the time with him she can, but wouldn't that leave her more time free if she feels she doesn't have much time with him?? That's the way I feel with FI! I don't do anything with the girls when I know he's going to be home...I plan everything with them when he's working. That seems strange to me!! Maybe you could send her a letter letting her know how you feel. Hopefully she takes it the right way - just tell her you miss her & would love her to participate in the wedding stuff because her opinion is so important to you. And if you actually mail her a letter she might catch on!

Good luck & keep us posted!!

[Mel&B]

I think friendship and the amount of time you spend with friends goes through cycles. I would just let her know that you really miss her. She's probably just trying to find the happiness you have with your man.

[DallasAshli]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mel&B I think friendship and the amount of time you spend with friends goes through cycles. I would just let her know that you really miss her. She's probably just trying to find the happiness you have with your man.

I agree. Plus, girls tend to "dive" into new relationships. It's fun, exciting, you have butterflies, and you just can't get enough of it. Tell her you miss her and then you have to accept how she chooses to spend her time. Getting frustrated over something you can't control wont help anything

[Yari]

I agree with how friendships goes through cycles. Also, some women tend to act differently around their new men. Some are more clingy and don't work on the friendships they already have.

 

I would send her a card saying that you miss her. Or even call her and don't take no for an answer.

[syl1115]

My daughter is going thru the same thing right now with her BFF. My advice to her was to ask her out, on a night that the boyfriend was working, and tell her that she misses the time they spent together and the things they used to do. I told her to see if they could set aside 1 evening a month to get together and do things. I told her not to say anything negative about the new boyfriend because that would make her get defensive. Maybe if you can ask her to set aside one or two evenings a month or 1 evening a week for the two of you, she will. You may have to live with the fact that she will be spending every weekend with her man.

[~Debra~]

I am going through this exact same thing right now with my MOH! We have been best friends since we were in the 4th grade and she has a new boyfriend (of 5 months). She has been involved in NO aspect of the wedding planning whatsoever because she is so consumed with her boyfriend. We even planned a trip to go try on bridesmaids dresses one saturday and she backed out because she said saturday is her and her man's "day" even though they spend just about every weekend together. Ok, sorry for the hijack...I can just completely relate.

 

My advice is to tell her how you feel. I have had 3 conversations with my best friend. We can talk about anything so it was really easy for me to tell her how hurt and disappointed I was in her for being an absentee MOH. Hopefully she will see how important the friendship is to you and make an effort to spend time with you. I'm sure she probably is just caught up in the new ness of her relationship.

[syl1115]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Debra~ My advice is to tell her how you feel. I have had 3 conversations with my best friend. We can talk about anything so it was really easy for me to tell her how hurt and disappointed I was in her for being an absentee MOH. Hopefully she will see how important the friendship is to you and make an effort to spend time with you. I'm sure she probably is just caught up in the new ness of her relationship.

Did talking to her help at all?

[~Debra~]

Quote:

Originally Posted by syl1115 Did talking to her help at all?

No!!! Not at all. Every time I would talk to her I would get the same response. She's sorry. She understands. She misses me. She's gonna try harder. Then she would go right back to her ways of not calling or returning phone calls. I finally got to the point where I just asked her if she wanted to be in the wedding and I told her if she didn't to just let me know. She said that was a ridiculous question and of course she wanted to be in the wedding. Only a couple days ago did it get a little better. Well, I'll say she made some effort at showing interest. She invited me to dinner last weekend on HER.....of course her boyfriend came too, and we discussed all the wedding details as well as her duties as MOH. The first thing her boyfriend said is, "I'm the one who's been monopolizing all her time" and I said to him, "I don't blame you" Because I don't blame him. I blame her.

My FI and mom both think I should demote her. I'm hoping she will step up to the plate and not disappoint me further. We'll see....