Wedding budget down the drain

[kristendotcom]

Wow Heather I would be pissed. I agree with the girls, maybe you can postpone the wedding and take time to save more money and sort out the problem.

[heather007]

Wow, I was really mad when I posteed that first message, I don't think I have ever been that mad.

 

He came upstairs and I was sitting on the spare bed bawling my eyes out. I told him that we need to postpone the wedding because we should not get married with this lack of communication. He didn't want to do that. He knows that he is at fault, but I also am taking some of the responsibility for not "writing down" everything that I needed to purchase.

 

He really doesn't want to postpone the wedding, we are both looking forward to it so much, afterall it is our wedding. I think with me threatening him, it scared the poo out of him, because he emailed his banker and told him that he needs to set up a meeting with him as soon as possible- with me there too.

 

He admitted that he has a shopping problem, which is huge.

 

How I found out? He told me. He sat down beside me and said "I screwed up big time."

 

I know that he thought that he was okay, because he had some money saved up in a "rainly day" investment that would ultimately cover the cost of the wedding, but, because the stock market crashed and the Canadian dollar fell off it's rocker, he lost over half of it.

 

We are going to meet with the banker this week to figure out options, because depleating our bank accounts is not an option.

 

I do really see some good coming out of this. We have had some communitcation errors in the past, but nothing this severe. Plus, I told him that my biggest concern was the fact that he isn't taking my opinion into consideration. I told him how much that hurts and I know that by me saying that, it finally hit home.

 

He really wants this to work, and so do I, so we are going to try to figure something out instead of postponing the wedding.

 

Plus, I'm going to phone the local church and see if I can get up into pre-marital classes.

 

I can honestly say, I have never been that mad in my life. Wow, I think that there was steam coming out of my ears.

 

~~

[SunBride]

wow, that is completely crazy. I would be seriously worried about your financial situation in the future. It's often the people who make the most money that are the most irresponsible with it and end up in huge debt.

 

If the idea of calling off the wedding scares you (how could it not?) how about giving yourselves a month to go to counseling to discuss this situation with a professional and then made a decision in a month or two from now once you've been working on resolving the problem. If you do go ahead with canceling the wedding it's still 2 months notice.

[heather007]

Yeah, that's why I'm wanting to find some pre-martial classes to go to.

 

He used to be really good with his money. When I first met him, he saved absolutely everything, had zero debt, and would not use a credit card unless needed. Then we got together.

 

Maybe a phase? Do people go through them? I know it's nothing bad: like drugs or booze, but what would make a person spend so much money in such little time? Maybe stress? I know he has been stressed out at work for about two years now.

 

I think the message that I was trying to get across is sinking in though. I feel like a crazy person for also airing my dirty laundry over the internet too.

 

~~

[rodent]

Quote:

Originally Posted by heather007 Wow, I was really mad when I posteed that first message, I don't think I have ever been that mad. He came upstairs and I was sitting on the spare bed bawling my eyes out. I told him that we need to postpone the wedding because we should not get married with this lack of communication. He didn't want to do that. He knows that he is at fault, but I also am taking some of the responsibility for not "writing down" everything that I needed to purchase. He really doesn't want to postpone the wedding, we are both looking forward to it so much, afterall it is our wedding. I think with me threatening him, it scared the poo out of him, because he emailed his banker and told him that he needs to set up a meeting with him as soon as possible- with me there too. He admitted that he has a shopping problem, which is huge. How I found out? He told me. He sat down beside me and said "I screwed up big time." I know that he thought that he was okay, because he had some money saved up in a "rainly day" investment that would ultimately cover the cost of the wedding, but, because the stock market crashed and the Canadian dollar fell off it's rocker, he lost over half of it. We are going to meet with the banker this week to figure out options, because depleating our bank accounts is not an option. I do really see some good coming out of this. We have had some communitcation errors in the past, but nothing this severe. Plus, I told him that my biggest concern was the fact that he isn't taking my opinion into consideration. I told him how much that hurts and I know that by me saying that, it finally hit home. He really wants this to work, and so do I, so we are going to try to figure something out instead of postponing the wedding. Plus, I'm going to phone the local church and see if I can get up into pre-marital classes. I can honestly say, I have never been that mad in my life. Wow, I think that there was steam coming out of my ears. ~~

I have been thinking about you since you posted this. I feel much better after reading what you just wrote. I'm glad to hear that he told you about it, instead of you catching him. I'm also glad he has admitted he has a shopping problem. shopping addictions often come from low self esteem where the person is trying to validate themselves with the things they buy.

can you two sell the TV?

This has the potential to make you a stronger couple if you tackle the problem correctly. I think the pre-marital counseling sounds like a good idea. He may need individual counseling, too. i'm glad you have the appointment together with the banker. it really sounds like you two are improving your communication.

[rodent]

Quote:

Originally Posted by heather007 Yeah, that's why I'm wanting to find some pre-martial classes to go to. He used to be really good with his money. When I first met him, he saved absolutely everything, had zero debt, and would not use a credit card unless needed. Then we got together. Maybe a phase? Do people go through them? I know it's nothing bad: like drugs or booze, but what would make a person spend so much money in such little time? I think the message that I was trying to get across to him is sinking in though. ~~

yes, people do have out of control spending phases. it's promising to hear that he used to be good with money & this was a recent thing.

[rodent]

Compulsive Shopping Cause:

Since most people believe the problem is income, they mis-identify the cause as something outside of themselves; their job, boss, spouse, taxes, the creditors, prices, etc. This form of denial effectively blocks any kind of solution, locking us into an ever deepening problem. Though spending is usually the main symptom, and this, triggered by emotion, the cause goes much deeper. When we continue to pile up spending, the cause is usually rooted in the Spending Cycle: 1. We start with an emptiness, or negative self-esteem; a feeling of incompleteness. 2. Signals all around us tell us if we had some thing, we'd be seen as more important, successful, loveable, or complete, etc. The signals come from family, friends, co-workers, TV, radio, the Internet...anyone who has influence over us. 3. We spend to get that success feeling, sharing news of our shrewd acquisition with anyone who will say, "oooooooo." 4. When the bills come in we feel even more incomplete and powerless than before, starting the cycle all over again. Until we own the cause as something within us, we will never have a solution. The actual cause of compulsive shopping addiction, then, is that feeling of emptiness and low self-esteem. Solving this incompleteness is key to finding the solution to compulsive shopping addiction.

 

How to manage compulsive shopping or spending addiction

[heather007]

I like the tv too much to sell it!!!! LoL.

 

No, like money isn't really the issue. At this exact moment it is, but, as I said, he does make more, individually, than what an average couple combined does, so it's not whether or not we need to urgently sell off our possessions to come up with the cash. Plus, things lose so much value once they are owned, so I would feel very upset after spending so much money on something and not getting that money back.

 

I know that, if we have to, we will take out a loan, then after the wedding, within a few months, we can pay it off.

 

I also do blame myself, because I am very good with money, that I did not take the wedding budget in my own hands. I am the one who is doing all the buying/planning/etc., so in all actualilty, I should be the one controlling the money for it too, instead of always going to him to get it.

 

This has definately been a huge eye opener for both of us. We both need to work on this together, and I don't want to blame him 100% for it, because that gets us, as a couple, no where. Thankfully, we caught it before it got much worse.

 

~~

[selina]

good luck heather!! hopefully this will be something that brings you closer together as a couple and opens the lines of communication.

 

i think pre-marital classes are a great idea. we're doing that too... just because we think it's a smart idea.

[adias.angel]

Quote:

Originally Posted by heather007 He admitted that he has a shopping problem, which is huge.

I know how hard this can be. My MOH found out about her husbands spending problems after she was married, she is now getting divorced. Money problems is actually one of the top reasons for divorce so its a good thing you found out now. There is hope though!

Long term I would sugguest you take over the finances and money management. My FMIL actually takes care of all their finances and gives my FFIL a certain amount each paycheck to spend on whatever he likes. If he decides to buy a big item he has to save the money he gets out of each paycheck. That way it never drains their savings and he can buy his toys.

As far as postponing the wedding., I would agree that you should if you can not find a way to resolve his spending issues before your married. Its a 100% partnership and you both have to be on board with the game plan.

My heart is just breaking for you. Please keep posting so we know how you are doing. *HUGS*, Carla