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Wedding blues?

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#1 NJ_bride

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  • 227 posts

    Posted 06 October 2008 - 04:11 PM

    Hi Everyone! So we are now 2 months from our wedding in Jamaica. Lately I find myself just very depressed over the whole wedding. It seems that in the 13 months we have been engaged everything has gone wrong. Instead of being filled with happiness and excitement as I pictured it has been filled with disappointment, anger, and tears. I guess the only way I can fully explain is to recap for you guys. I will try to give you the short version.

    We got engaged Labor Day 2007 the first weekend was awesome, we called all our friends and family we celebrated and we started shaping our plans. We knew we were having a destination wedding all along so it was just a matter of picking an island. My family was thrilled with the idea, FH's family not as much but knew we were gonna do what we wanted so went along. Within the 1st week we picked our bridal party. FH chose his brother as BM and my brother for a grooms man. I am not close with my brother but he felt it would be nice to include him and that way he didn't have to chose amongst his friends. I in turn chose his sister to be my MOH. I was friends with her and thought it would be a nice bonding expereince for us since we both do not have sisters. I also picked my best friend as a BM who hooked up FH and I. At this time family on both sides was driving us up a wall about having an AHR. When we started pricing it it would be like $15000 since we have huge families and would want our friends. We decided this was a dumb idea since we wanted our wedding on an island not here well everyone just kept pushing it. We decide on Jamaica and Swept Away on the advice of a friend and proceeed to pic a date and book it. My parents said they wanted to pay for everything.
    At this point my parents decided to throw us a small engagement party. Since it was sit down at their house they limited the guest list to Aunt's and Uncles, godparents and the bridal party. FH didn't want the party, he thought it was pointless since the people coming mostly were ones giving us a hard time about the wedding. we had it anyway.
    Xmas came and went and FH's mom who had kidney Cancer seemed to be getting worse. Within 1 month she went into the hospital, we found out it had spread and she only had maybe 6 months left. FH's family decided not to tell her. While this is going on we were in the midst of trying to send save the dates, make travel plans for the bridal party and look for my dress. Also FH had graduated in Oct.. and was still looking for a job. We went back and forth should we postpone, change our plans, ect. Well not knowing all the facts still we stuck with our plans. The first week in Feb. she went home into hospice care still not having a clue what was going on and thinking she was going to get better. They gave her 1 week at this point. FH went back home to NY to be with her in the end, this put a huge strain on us. His family and got mad at me for not doing the same even though I was the only one supporting our house during this time and had been at my new job not even 1 month. I went to visit every Saturday but we live 2 hours away so I could not go during the week. She made it 1 month before she passed. During that time FH and I fought constantly over his family. The hated me cause I didn't drop everything to be there, even though his mom and I never got along. His sister, my MOH and his brother best man wouldn't even talk to me! His brother proposed with a fake ring to his girlfriend so their mom could see it but got mad that we sent the save the dates. They got mad if we even mentioned the wedding.

    FH got a job in the middle of all this and started soon after but it was in NY and even though he came home he went back to Queens everyday and was miserable. FH then started getting mad at my family for things too. My brother has a lot of problems and they were getting worse. We worked together and that caused more problems. My parents were in denial about my brother's problems and wanted FH and I to overlook them too. No one in FH's family would even mention the wedding if you brought it up the changed the subject. MY MOH instead of backing out just did nothing, same with his best man. My brother couldn't even get to work much less care about our wedding and my friend was the only one doing anything! FH got in a fight with his brother finally because his brother kept being really nasty about our wedding complaining about everything. He ranted on to FH about all the things he didn't like and thought we did wrong. Most importantly not postponing the wedding, he feels we are disrespecting his mother's memory. Well FH was so hurt he told him if you don't like what we are doing don't come. So now he has no best man. At the same time my brother crashed and burned and he was removed from the bridal party and we felt he needed to get help and not come to an AI for a wedding. That leaves no one in FH's side of the bridal party. His sis and I kept going back and forth, she did nothing but cause problems.My shower came and went last month which while beautiful was very hard for me since FH and I had a HUGE blowout with my family the week before over my brother. It ended with my dad saying he wasn't coming to the wedding, both of them not speaking to FH and us now having to come up with $15000 in 3 months to pay for the wedding ourselves!

    As of now FH still doesn't have any attendants, which he is sad about, no bachelor party, nothing. He can't pick someone else because my parents were paying for the bridal parties rooms and we can't afford to pay for someone else since we have to cover everything now. His brother isn't even coming to the wedding. My dad has decided to come but only to avoid getting crap from people for not coming, his words, not mine. FH and him still aren't talking which should be great when they are in a resort together in Jamaica! My parents are on the brink of divorce over all this stuff with my brother who is getting help but also not coming. MOH (fiance's sister) still can't really be bothered. We are stretched to the limit financially and both truly unhappy. Little to no family is coming even though we have 45 each on our fathers sides. They are still mad we aren't having the traditional wedding or an AHR. While almost all of FH's friends are coming only 2 of mine, also sad. I can't believe over a year went by and all of this misery. FH just wants it to be over with and I can't say I blame him! I have never been married and I know there is always drama but this is too much. How can a happy thing be so sad?

    #2 Hartyt509

    • Sr. Member
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      Posted 06 October 2008 - 04:24 PM

      Holy crap you've had one hell of a year!!

      Take a deep breath and decide what you really really want. If you are getting shit off your dad tell him to not bother his arse to come you don't need someone spreading doom and gloom on your wedding day. I'd also point out to him that confirming he'd pay then backing out over an argument is childish not to mention plain nasty. In essence tell him to poke off until he acts like an adult and a father!

      If I was having to find that cash chick i'd cut back the invites a lot! If people have booked fine, if not tell them too late and you can't cater for them. It sounds mean but if they can't confirm less than 2 months away from your wedding you don't need them.

      I can't stand FI's family either and it's caused a lot of fights between FI and me unfortunatley for FI I stand my ground and now I don't have anything to do with them. Life is too short for selfish life sucking people in your life! We now have a deal I don't whinge about my family to him and vice versa that way I have no ammo to fire at him when his mother acts like a twat as normal lol

      Once the day is over it will settle down but you have to get your limits sorted. At the end of the day when you marry FI that is your family now, your parents always will be but priority goes to FI and again vice versa.

      As for MOH ditch her miserable cow. Just remind them all what would your mother say about the way you are carrying on I have a life and a job and I needed to keep those! I said to FI when his step-dad died that as much as its sad if I could stop it happening I'd be there like a shot, I can't so i'm not going.

      All weddings give your shite you've just been a little unlucky - i'm ok i've done it before and know exactly what to stamp on and what not to lol

      If you need to blow off PM me I've been there and i'll send you boxing gloves so you can make them shut up lmao

      #3 dancingdolphin

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      • 105 posts

        Posted 06 October 2008 - 04:27 PM

        I'm so sorry to hear about everything that has happened this past year. Weddings are always stressful, even without having FI's mom pass and your brother's problems to deal with. It shouldn't be a sad time, but I can understand why you'd be feeling like this.

        What do you and FI want to have happen? Maybe you just have your friend as MOH and that's it In the end, it's the two of you that matter.

        #4 DanielleNDerek

        • VIP Member
        • 18,452 posts

          Posted 06 October 2008 - 04:47 PM

          It doesnt seem as though fi's family will come around in the next couple of months. Do you think your dad will?

          This is easier said than done, but can you forget about all these people and just focus on the fact that you and your fi are together and making a special committment. Its ashame that people cant leave the negativity behind and be happy for the both of you.
          ***Married November 6, 2008***Gavin Born February 28th, 2010***
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          #5 **~Jenn~**

          • Sr. Member
          • 1,236 posts

            Posted 06 October 2008 - 04:56 PM

            Wow..That is alot of Drama and it seems as though your getting the crappy end of the stick.
            To be perfectly honest..it sounds like you and FI need to go by yourselves, without the other people and drama that comes with it!!
            I have a feeling it's too late for that....So I would send your MOH who is not doing her job a letter or a phone call and tell her that you will not be needing her to stand up there with you. ask your Best friend and the only one who was doing things for your wedding , if she would like to be your MOH and only have her up there with you guys.
            This is a special day for you both and everyone else's drama is really making it hard to get excited about!! I am sorry to hear about FI's mom...I can't imagine losing my mother...But I do know that God forbid, if I did...She would want me to go on living my life and having the wedding of my dreams. She wouldn't want the world to stop because she is gone. Life goes on and you can't grieve forever. It's not disrespectful, it's life.
            I really feel for you...
            I think in the next couple weeks before your wedding you should stop, breath and just remember why you are marrying your FI and focus on you and him and ONLY you & him.
            Good Luck with everything and I look forward to your return and will keep my fingers crossed for a Fabulous, Happy review from you! Don't let them ruin your day! :-)
            Married @ Dreams Cancun 06/24/09
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            #6 montegobay09

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              Posted 06 October 2008 - 05:00 PM

              I'm so sorry that you've had to go through all that when you're supposed to be celebrating.
              I think you and your FH should sit down and ensure each other that all of this doesn't matter as long as the two of you are together. You are making the decision to put him above everything else and vise versa so you can support each other. When it comes to your wedding trip, do what you can to be pleasant and just enjoy the fact that you're marrying your soul mate! If you can make it through all this you'll definately make it through the next rough patches!

              Good luck with everything!

              #7 Kathie

              • Sr. Member
              • 2,654 posts

                Posted 06 October 2008 - 05:05 PM

                I'm so sorry. This is horrible and this should be the happiest time of your life. You should do whatever you feel is right for you but if it were me I would postpone the wedding. I would want it to be a happy time and not just something to "be over with". I would let a little time go by, let everyone calm down and hopefully it will be a happy time again in your life. If not that then I would just elope and save the money. Good luck to you.

                #8 Jen_S

                • Sr. Member
                • 3,737 posts

                  Posted 06 October 2008 - 05:53 PM

                  Sorry to hear about FIs mom. I agree this should be the happiest time it seems every couple has drama some of the people we thought would come are not we decided this is the start of our new life it turns out to just be us so be it. I hope everything works out you deserve to be happy.
                  Our Honeymoon In Ireland!!

                  #9 NJ_bride

                  • Jr. Member
                  • 227 posts

                    Posted 10 October 2008 - 01:29 PM

                    Ok ladies, I need some serious advice today. I got a call from brother today saying he still wants to come to wedding and is trying to figure things out and can he bring his girlfriend. I was like ok if he can make it. Well I got off the phone and said wait, he has no job, no money, ect. how is affording to come? I know he still has his plane ticket that my parents paid for but we canceled his room when he was removed from the wedding party. Well I called my mom and asked and as I suspected my Dad said he would pay for it! Well now I am fuming, after all this fighting he is coming with a guest, paid for by my parents and yet we are still having to figure out how to come up with $15,000 to pay for this wedding. Again he couldn't get it together to be in the bridal party but can come all expense paid. I mean this is the same crap that started all this! So I told my mom and Dad that I am coming over after work to talk to them about this. I need to know exactly what to say to my Dad. Please help!

                    #10 Amarillis

                    • Sr. Member
                    • 1,913 posts

                      Posted 10 October 2008 - 02:01 PM

                      My best advice.....

                      You need to have no bridal party. Yes, I said it, no bridal party, your FSIL and BFF willl completely understand. I really think that the solution is to not have a BP...

                      Your FSIL maybe a little upset, I feel like your BFF will understand. Explain to your FSIL and BFF, that in light of FI's groomsman's situation, you have decided to use the wonderful people at the resort as your witnesses... I think it is a fantastic way to involve the local people of Jamaica... and solves your wedding party woes. It is definately unconventional, but has a certain flair to it.

                      Then, explain to your parents that you are getting married... This is the date, this is the place, and that you want them there... only if they want to be there. Tell them that wild horses aren't going to stop this marraige, and tell your dad that his on again off again cheque book is not the way to heal the family.

                      I hope you have a fantastic day, and maybe that my suggestions could be of assistance.

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