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Meddling FMIL


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#1 townie princess

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    Posted 27 September 2008 - 01:46 PM

    I know this thread isn't really DW related because we're now having our wedding back home (other side of the country that I can't get to until the wedding next summer), but I have to get this off my chest, and I know some of you might be going thru similar stuff if you're doing an AHR.

    FI and I are getting married in the city next summer. We're doing all this planning long distance because we cannot afford to go down there before the wedding (about $1000 CAD per person).

    Both of our families are from that area. FI's aunts and cousins live there, my parents live there. No one is really offering any help. Both FI's mother and sister have gone down there to visit this summer past and offered some help, but we were still in the planning stages, so there wasn't really anything they could do. Plus we didn't trust them to do the tasks we assigned while they were on holiday (they probably wouldn't make it a priority while on holiday).

    FI's side of the family does not live in the city, they live an hour outside of the city in a pretty rural area where the entire community gets together for a wedding. Hence the reason we're having it in the city, I don't want all those people at my wedding for a "free party".

    FMIL knows that we're using city vendors for our wedding, FI has told her this on several occasions and I keep telling her the exact name of the vendors we're using in the city.

    BUT, FMIL keeps telling me about her "friends" that do wedding stuff in the rural area, and today she sent me Facebook group invites to these rural wedding vendors. One of them being a catering company (we've had our caterer booked for over 2 months now), and the other being a decorator/cake designer/florist.

    UGH. I'm ready to scream because she just doesn't get it! I know she's trying to be helpful, but she's not hearing that we're using city vendors and we've got just about everything booked! She doesn't really listen to anything we say about anything, it's like she's got blinders on or something.

    Thank god she's not paying for anything, I can totally see where that would go!

    Sorry, I just have to rant and get this off my chest before I blow up!

    #2 mpajkos

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      Posted 27 September 2008 - 01:56 PM

      I would reply to her by saying "oh I looked at the vendors you sent me info on and they are all in the country. We are using city vendors but besides we have everyone booked already but thanks." Even if she forgets Again we stayed polite and maybe she will respond by asking what you haven't done yet and she can actually be helpful! Good Luck!

      #3 FutureMrsLewis

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        Posted 27 September 2008 - 02:00 PM

        I actually live in St. John's, and I can relate. I had first said I was going to have my AHR here in town, and my parents, who live in the Port-aux-Basques area, thought I should travel the 1000 km's and have it there. I said no, then "Well why not Dildo?" (My two sisters live there) and I realized they weren't going to be happy with my AHR either way, so now I'm debating even having one. Just stay firm and tell her everything is booked and you can't cancel with your vendors b/c you've already paid deposit or something, anything to keep her quiet pretty much lol Or like mpajkos said, just tell her you reviewed the others and they're not suitable. And if you ever need some pics or a site visit or anything from here in St. John's, I would gladly do it for you :) Just hang in there, only another few months!!

        #4 Hartyt509

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          Posted 27 September 2008 - 06:34 PM

          You know what i'm gonna say lol "Tell her to poke off!!" there is a limit to how many times you say no we aren't doing that.

          She is trying to break you into giving in so she can do what SHE wants. I think you're already being accommodating by having the wedding close to where they live. At the end of the day you don't live there so they should be grateful you are saving them the travel!

          My cousins (who are my only family left) whined about how we were going so far away and it would cost too much. My response thats a shame here have your kid back its filled its nappy lol

          I'd block her from facebook 2 lmao

          #5 Maura

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          Posted 27 September 2008 - 06:38 PM

          can you give your MIL a different small task to get her mind off pushing her friends on you as vendors? just be nice and tell her, thanks i appreciate you trying to help but we have already booked all the vendors and paid non-refundable deposits, but i do need help with XYZ if you'd like to really help me out... sometimes the best way to deal with your MIL is to humor her to some extent so you dont hurt her feelings.

          #6 townie princess

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            Posted 29 September 2008 - 12:35 AM

            Harty, you are so funny, your posts always crack me up!

            Thanks everyone for the suggestions, I'm really not sure what tasks I can give her at this point to occupy her time. We have very different tastes in everything so I don't trust her opinion on anything.

            But I'll have to find something to keep her busy. Any suggestions?

            BTW, my FMIL & her partner and my FSIL live in the same town I do (here on the west end of the country), and my sister lives out west (different province though), but everyone else lives back east.

            Ugh.

            #7 FutureMrsLewis

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              Posted 29 September 2008 - 11:10 PM

              I say just give her ANYTHING to research. She can find whatever she wants, you don't necessarily have to use the information Or something silly you don't really care about, like tell her to check prices on napkins or tablecloths or little plastic wineglasses or something lol Something annoying that will take her a while before she's done

              #8 townie princess

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                Posted 11 April 2009 - 02:09 AM

                **UPDATE**

                It's now 2 months until the wedding, and my parents have agreed to pay for the flowers (which is awesome) and this is their big involvement in the wedding. This was totally unprovoked too, they came right out of the blue and agreed to take care of this for us. When we told FI's mom, she said she would have paid for the flowers if we had asked her. We're not going to ask for help, but we'll take it if it's offered to us.

                Nearly everything is taken care of but transportation. I have no idea how FI's family is getting to the venue, they're spread out all over the place and they are notoriously late.

                FI suggested I talk to his mom about this. FMIL has back problems and is off work for a few months until she's better, so she's got lots of time on her hands. I went over there with my laptop to show her all the things that I've done so far and what's left to do, and a list of limo companies. I told her I was concerned about how everyone was getting to the venue the day of, and all she kept doing was telling me about people FI knew like 20+ years ago from elementary school that might have classic cars for rent. She did not volunteer to call up people and ask around about prices! And then she told me not to worry about everyone getting there because someone will drive them. She totally missed the point, but I'm not going to tell her she needs to call around so we can all get a ride to the wedding. Ugh.

                Also, a coworker of FI's really wanted to come to our wedding down east but now has to back out because his son is getting married. He felt so bad about it, he's decided to throw us an AHR!! When FI told his mom, she said "oh yeah, I was thinking about doing something like that". Kind of a bit late now, dontcha think?

                This is also the same woman who offered to host a shower for me, then 2 wks later took that back because she said "she didn't know any of my friends here and wouldn't know who to invite". It didn't occur to her to ask me who should be invited, so she takes back her offer.

                HELP! How can we deal with a woman who claims she wants to help, but doesn't want to pay for anything and doesn't want to plan any of the "boring details"

                It's almost like she's waiting to surprise us with something, but I don't like surprises

                #9 YoursTruly

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                  Posted 11 April 2009 - 09:40 AM

                  I would recommend really trying to go down the road less traveled and involve and surround yourself with people who get things done,not get in your way. If you choose to include your FMIL just for inclusion sake, that is totally your choice but know it comes with lots of confusion and stress. I had similar situations and I bascially told my mIL and SIL (future at the time) that I had everything under control and if I needed their help I would let them know. ANd guess wht--they had to be fine with that. At the end of the day, I let my in-laws know that unless you are paying for something, your "strong" input is not really necessary. We preferred to not accept anything because then the demand list would be notoriously lengthy.




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