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Proper etiquette when someone thinks they are in wedding...but aren't


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#1 Katiebelle

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    Posted 10 September 2008 - 07:24 PM

    My old best friend called me today. She has not spoken to me more than 1 time in 3-4 months. She has been avoiding my since my FI was diagnosed with cancer last December. Not been supportive or really even asks about him. Never even called or said anything when I told her I was engaged. Has not even called to see about my wedding. She still thought it was in Jamaica...which I changed 2 months ago.

    However, she called me today. It was a very strained conversation. I am very hurt by her...obviously. She thinks that she is in the wedding...I never asked her...and was calling to see what color dress she needs!

    How do I approach telling her she isn't in my wedding?!

    #2 EricaG

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      Posted 10 September 2008 - 07:31 PM

      That is a tough one. If you never asked her to be in the wedding, why would she assume she was? Some people really don't think. What did you tell her when she asked? Do you have other people in your wedding party? If you aren't having a wedding party, you could always just tell her that you aren't having anyone stand up for you. Is she still being invited? If she is, you could always tell her that she can get a dress in whatever colour as she is more than welcome to come as a guest but you will not be requiring her to stand up for you. If she askes why, you could always be honest and say that when you really needed her to be there for you, she wasn't, so you have ask people that stood by you in this difficult time. You can also point out that she didn't even know the location had changed over 2 months ago.
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      #3 **~Jenn~**

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        Posted 10 September 2008 - 08:37 PM

        Quote:
        Originally Posted by Katiebelle
        My old best friend called me today. She has not spoken to me more than 1 time in 3-4 months. She has been avoiding my since my FI was diagnosed with cancer last December. Not been supportive or really even asks about him. Never even called or said anything when I told her I was engaged. Has not even called to see about my wedding. She still thought it was in Jamaica...which I changed 2 months ago.

        However, she called me today. It was a very strained conversation. I am very hurt by her...obviously. She thinks that she is in the wedding...I never asked her...and was calling to see what color dress she needs!

        How do I approach telling her she isn't in my wedding?!
        Well this is a tough one..Because if it were me...I am a very upfront person. If you have hurt me or pissed me off, I will let you know. I'm not saying I'm going to attack...but I will let you know.
        In this case, I think to be honest is your best bet.
        I would say, ya know..I am very hurt by you and your actions. i would explain to her all that you have explained to us. I would let her know that to be on someones wedding party isn't just something ANYONE should be able to do. It's such an honor and it's a spot that should be filled by those who love you and support you know matter what.
        Good luck with whatever you decide, but I really think that you should be upfront. She needs to know what she has done and that your hurt.
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        #4 becks

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        Posted 11 September 2008 - 08:29 AM

        If she is still invited, which I am assuming she is because you didn't say otherwise, I would play innocent.

        Some people actually ask if there is a color theme, or a color they should/shouldn't wear without thinking anything about the bridal party.

        So, play innocent/naive and just say something along the lines of "you can wear any color you want" or "whatever you want is fine, generally we think most of our guests will be in sundresses/cocktail dresses (whatever)." When you tell her that, if her point was to figure out if she was going to be a member of the brial party, she'll know and you'll not have to tell her she's not part of the team.

        However, if you point is to have a conversation about the hurt she's caused, that's an entirely different discussion.

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        #5 Hartyt509

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          Posted 11 September 2008 - 08:40 AM

          I agree with Becks but i'd probably be a bit more direct lol

          How about whatever you want i'm not telling my guests what to wear that would be soo rude lol

          #6 kate.com

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            Posted 11 September 2008 - 10:12 AM

            Hey, sorry that stinks!

            I agree with the girls... tell her whatever she feels comfortable in, maybe sandals since it is at the beach, etc.
            If she asks about the bridal party then just tell her the truth. It's your wedding, so don't feel bad! It's about you, not her.

            PS... how is your FI feeling?

            #7 sunset78

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              Posted 11 September 2008 - 11:49 AM

              I of course agree with the girls as well insaying the guests can where whatever they like. Just be honest if shes asks about being in the wedding... don't be surprised if she puts a stink up about though.

              **hugs**

              #8 NotYourAverageDW

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                Posted 11 September 2008 - 11:51 AM

                I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. That really bites.

                Quote:
                Originally Posted by becks
                If she is still invited, which I am assuming she is because you didn't say otherwise, I would play innocent...

                So, play innocent/naive and just say something along the lines of " "whatever you want is fine, generally we think most of our guests will be in sundresses/cocktail dresses (whatever)." When you tell her that, if her point was to figure out if she was going to be a member of the bridal party, she'll know and you'll not have to tell her she's not part of the team.

                However, if you point is to have a conversation about the hurt she's caused, that's an entirely different discussion.
                I totally agree. Keep it simple and talk about the general dress of the other guests.


                Quote:
                Originally Posted by EricaG
                ......If you never asked her to be in the wedding, why would she assume she was? Some people really don't think......you could always tell her that she can get a dress in whatever colour as she is more than welcome to come as a guest but you will not be requiring her to stand up for you. If she asks why, you could always be honest and say that when you really needed her to be there for you, she wasn't, so you have ask people that stood by you in this difficult time. You can also point out that she didn't even know the location had changed over 2 months ago.
                Erica and Becks said it all. Please don't feel pressured to include her in your bridal party or even on your guest list! She has not expressed interest, consideration or concern for you and your FI at all...and its like you are an after thought..."Oh I think I could use a vacation...Oh...Katiebelle is getting married in Jamaica...there's my vacation Sweet!"

                If she is already on the guest list and already has received an invitation...I would simply say as PPs have "We're asking all guests to wear cocktail/beach/etc clothing." You don't have to discuss the details with her. Something tells me that if she hasn't been around in your time of need and STILL think that she is in the bridal party, she may decide to wear the bridal colours to blend in...

                This is so crappy. You so do not need this at all!

                Quote:
                Originally Posted by kate.com
                PS... how is your FI feeling?
                How is your FI doing?

                #9 Yari

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                  Posted 11 September 2008 - 12:52 PM

                  If I were in your shoes I would be upfront with her. I think honesty is the best policy.

                  #10 Katiebelle

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                    Posted 11 September 2008 - 04:57 PM

                    Thanks you guys! I didn't know what to do or say...just kind of sat there shocked. I will just make it general and if she asks who is in it...getting the hint...I will tell her. To be honest...I just don't want the drama/confrontation right now...I kind of a couple of months ago just realized "it is what it is." Still it does upset me when I think about it.

                    The FI seems to be doing okay right now! He just got out of the hospital Monday, but is determined to live each day to the fullest he can! I am still tired trying to keep up with him! I am happy about that though! Positive thinking...I am learning is the key!

                    Thanks again so much!




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