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In-law vent

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#1 MrsWtobe

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    Posted 09 March 2007 - 07:32 PM

    Disclaimer: this is very long, and I am extremely sorry, but need to get it off my chest

    We have been having some serious issues with FH's parents. It all started when we got engaged and his dad was actually mad that FI bought me a ring and proposed instead of paying back the $15,000 he owes his father for schooling. (ok, obviously my ring did NOT cost that much, but I guess his dad figured that he could have put that money towards his debt to him) His mother actually agreed with his father and thought the money should have been paid back first. (I'm not saying he should not pay the money back, but if he did we probably would have had to wait another 5 years to get married)There was no congratulations offered by his father, and when we went over to show them my ring, he actually sat and watched tv instead of talking to us and asking what we wanted for a wedding.
    Then we bought a house because the apartment we were living in had mold growing in the walls and we had to get out...we were just going to go to another apartment, but my parents gave us money and said you could use that towards a down payment on a house or a wedding. We chose a house. FFIL did not like the fact we were buying a house b/c we "had no idea what we were getting ourselves into".
    This is when FH decided to start to distance himself from both his parents. We actually have sat and talked to them about the way they speak to us,(how stupid/irresponsible we are with money) and they had a huge problem with going us going away to get married in July (we are both teachers and there was no other way)...becuase they take an annual trip to DR during January and didn't want to have pay/go twice...then they had a problem with the resort, etc, etc, etc.
    My FI finally had enough in probably the last month or so...we rarely mention the wedding anymore, hoping they may be excited enough to ask questions. Anything that is said is a major put down, or problem for them. I was really excited to tell FMIL that I had purchased my dress, and all I got in response was, "where did you buy it" and "oh".
    This all leads us to yesterday, when we had one final "discussion". I have been censoring my FI from saying mean or hurtful things to them (I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I really don't know what to do anymore). He said he had decided that he was going to say everything that was on his mind and that was that. He got into some pretty heavy things, esp about being an only child, and essentially an "accident" and he knew it all along by the way they treated him over the years (he was actually quite upset). There were no apologies offered by the FILs, rather a suggestion that he seek counselling since he seems to have some major issues. I have to be honest though, FMIL did mention that all she wants in life is a relationship with him (but said nothing about a relationship with me, who was sitting right across the table from her during this entire conversation).
    We left on extremely bad terms...with FFIL asking as we walked out the door if he should even book the trip to come to the wedding at this point. I could not believe it, but I swear its the truth!
    I feel so awful for FI, and I feel awful myself. I don't know what to do about the situation at all. My shower invites need to go out within the next week, and at this point FI does not want to invite his mom or his side of the family. I just know that I will be blamed for this, and I really don't know what to do. FMIL has done nothing to contribute to the shower, hasn't even gotten in touch with the MOH or offered to even bake a cookie.
    I am so upset right now and I don't know what to say or do to FI, or with this entire situation. I can't believe people can be selfish, ignorant and awful and I'm having an extremely hard time dealing with this.

    WHEW! Thanks so much for reading...I know this was sooo long, but really needed to get it off my chest. Thanks!

    #2 TATrisha


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    Posted 09 March 2007 - 07:51 PM

    Wow. I'm really sorry. Not good, not good at all. Hopefully they will eventually see what they are doing to your FI and learn to be nicer! Jeeze! Not to mention, theoretically, two incomes can pay of debt quicker than one. And, rather than flushing money down the toilet by renting, you now are earning equity. Another way you will be able to pay off your FI's debt.
    It's just a terrible situation and I'm sorry it has to happen to you.


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    #3 Christine

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    Posted 09 March 2007 - 07:54 PM

    I think its great that he stood up to his parents, maybe with it all out in the open things will get better.
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    #4 MrsV-to-be

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      Posted 09 March 2007 - 08:07 PM

      This sort of situation would suck at any time in someone's life. The fact that you are in the lead up to your wedding makes it all the more hurtful. The only suggestion I would have, is that if you don't want to be blamed for this, and I think what you said may be true, right or wrong you will be blamed for this, that either (1) you continue with the plan to invite both FMIL and the rest of the family to the shower or (2) you ask your FI to deal with the situation by telling them that this is his decision and has nothing to do with you.
      I definitly would recommend doing 1. Perhaps if FMIL sees you in an environment where everyone else is super happy and excited about you two getting married, she will have something to think about. Also I am sure you would want to be thought of as attempting to mend bridges rather then be the person breaking it all up (even though you aren't at all). However at the same time, you have to respect what FI wants.

      tough situation - good luck with figuring it out. Let us know how it turns out for you.

      #5 Lizzy

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        Posted 09 March 2007 - 08:13 PM

        Jennifer, it sounds like his parents have been like this for a very long time. Unfortunately, there are some very negative people in this world. From the conversation your fiance had w/them about how he was always treated, I'm afraid that no matter what you do, you two will never be able to please them. As much as it hurts you both, maybe concentrating on the positive people in your lives will serve you better. Giving too much energy to something that is impossible to change can drain you. This is your precious moment in time. Being in love and planning your life together takes prescedence over everything else...for the time being, anyway. Be happy, be in love, and don't let their bad energy harsh your mellow (as my kids would say).

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        #6 MikkiStreak

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          Posted 09 March 2007 - 08:35 PM

          I agree with Jennette--- option 1 to continue to invite them. Even if you have FI tell them that he doesn't want them invited, in their minds it would be easier to blame you than to think their son/family member doesn't want anything to do with them.

          We have a slightly different situation going on in my in-law family. My sister-in-law has a grown son who has cut her off because he doesn't think she caters to him and his (bitch) wife enough. None of us can stand this woman and I would *hate* it if they actually showed up at our wedding. But for the sake of being a 'better' person, we are inviting them and if they were to attend any of the functions, we would be gracious to them.

          If you give them the invite and they decline, they will look like the ass'es they are. If you don't invite them, then you look like the ass. It sucks beyond belief, but sometimes it's easier to bite down the emotions and keep the peace just to prevent thing from exploding even further.

          #7 A10CalGal

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            Posted 09 March 2007 - 08:49 PM

            Oh, honey, that just really sucks! I'm sorry that you and your FI have to go thru this. I think that you need to be as gracious as possible & try not to get into the middle of it. Be supportive of your FI, of course, but do not engage his parents. They sound like pretty negative people...and that's their choice. I agree w/Jennette regarding the shower - do not change your invite list. Invite his family as originally planned. If they want to be party poopers or if they feel that strongly about what's happening, then they won't show - but you will still have been gracious & invited them.

            Sounds like you & FI need a nice night away from all this crap!

            #8 MrsWtobe

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              Posted 09 March 2007 - 10:09 PM

              Thanks everyone for all of your kind words.
              I just feel so bad for him, and I'm really trying to supportive for him, and he's pretty adamant about this whole shower thing. I really don't know what to do at this point....this is stressing me out beyond belief!
              I always knew getting married would be major stress, but never did I think it would be like this!

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