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What to do about DH's "tone"?


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#11 laybar

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    Posted 02 September 2008 - 02:26 PM

    Mine is Dominican, whom also comes from a very traditional Dominican family where the man is the head of the household. I come from a family with many independent women that wear the pants in their individual households.. this was a stuggle for us at first, but COMMUNICATION IS KEY! we have gotten so much better at dealing with situations like this. I have had to remind him in the past that he is not my father, that I am a grown ass woman and he needs to understand this.. for awhile that just didn't work.. you know what did?? Plain, old being nice. Taking the time to tell him my feelings and relating it back to him.. asking him how he would feel if i were to talk to him a certain way.. surprisingly.. he listened & it worked. You have to be positive the entire time, so he does not feel attacked.. because if he does, he's not going to give in or see your point. You have to get him to open his mind.. to remind him that not everyone is like him or can handle that sort of talk.. remind him that you are sensitive & he hurst your feelings.. let him know it dissapoints you (not that you're mad).. unfortunately, it sounds like a game.. bc believe me, there have been times where i just wanted to shout off the top of my lungs.. 'I'm F-ing mad.. who do u think u are.. i can't stand u right now'.. but that just doesnt work (you can get it all out on your own time).. since, i handle our situations like this & he softens up bc at the end of the day, he loves me & doesn't want to hurt me.. I'm sure your DH feels the same.. anyway.. you never know.. just another approach to try.. good luck!

    #12 becks

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    Posted 02 September 2008 - 02:28 PM

    DH has the same tone. I'm not above being condescending back when I hear it (ala Him: The dishes need to be done by the time I'm home. Me: Then you better get them done before you leave, don't you think?)

    It's not something I'm proud of, but I certainly don't hear the tone as much. Besides, the man puts one dish in the dishwasher and thinks he deserves a medal or something.

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    #13 jajajaja

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      Posted 02 September 2008 - 02:38 PM

      Ugh- I don't know if Steve really has a condenseding tone, but sometime he has a snotty "teenager" tone rather than the "dad" tone. That pisses me off like no other. I call him on it immediately- which doesn't work well. I always remind him that it doesn't matter if he "meant" it that way. It's they way I heard him say it, so next time phrase it better. LOL

      I'm not much help Erin, but maybe keep bringing it to his attention. After all, even if it's not his true meaning, he's still leaving it up to your perception. He needs to keep that in mind. If he doesn't think he is doing something wrong, then maybe he better think about how you are perceiving what he saying.

      And I ABSOLUTELY agree with Becks. I'm tired of Steve thinking he needs a damn medal if he does something domestic. No one gives me a giant sticker for cleaning the bathroom, yet I need to give him a thank you shout out for doing a load of towels.
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      #14 -Kate-

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        Posted 02 September 2008 - 02:45 PM

        DH has that tone.
        My two tips:
        1) My DH does most of the housework so when he does that kinda stuff it's usually his way of asking for help. So if he says "we need to do laundry" - that's his way of saying "I do all the work around here please get up and help" so I do it.

        2) I tell him that he may not have meant the phrase to come out like it did, but this is how I heard it and this is how that makes me feel. If you make it about you and not him he can't get defensive. And if he did mean it like it came out that is a whole other bunch of problems.

        #15 ErinB

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          Posted 02 September 2008 - 02:46 PM

          Housework has always been the biggest source of our fights. I don't know why I am supposed to throw him a party if he does the dishes. We have a dishwasher for the love of god! He does usually do the laundry without bitching, so at least it's something.

          I think I just have a lot of issues with his family. If I can keep them away from each other, he's ok, but once they are all together again, the bullshit starts. That's when I notice more of the tone and little things like leaving the toilet seat up. It's almost like he has to show off for his dad, like he'll be less manly if he treats me like a person.

          #16 A10CalGal

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            Posted 02 September 2008 - 03:26 PM

            Ugg Erin, that is super frustrating. I think I would react the same way you did in that situation.

            R does this every once in a while, kinda talks to me like I'm retarded in my opinion. I generally laugh & say "oh I'm sorry, did you forget you are at home dealing with your WIFE and not at work dealing with your employees??" For us that generally puts a stop to it & he'll laugh too.

            Your case seems more extreme...like it's an ingrained family thing. I wouldn't give it up though - I would def let him know how it makes you feel & that it is an unacceptable way to communicate with you. Y'all need to come up with your own variety of acceptable behavior...you are not a soldier, a child or a submissive wife for christ's sake!

            #17 kate.com

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              Posted 08 September 2008 - 01:54 PM

              That Sucks! Every wednesday night I have girls golf night and it seems like every week one of us needs to vent... Communication is the biggest culprit. My guess is that your DH is communicating like his father- he saw that it worked for his dad that way, why not him?!.
              You need to squash that... but it usually works better when you have had a chance to vent, reflect and compose your feelings.

              Don't put up with it! Just teach him the effective way to communicate with you and remember it will be a work in progress. Until then, use your friends and your BDW family to VENT! It helps, trust me.

              #18 ErinB

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                Posted 08 September 2008 - 01:59 PM

                Thanks ladies.

                It's been better because I did sit him doan and tell him to quit. I also told he that I would not be treated in that manner and if he kept it up, I wouldn't respond because I wasn't going to acknowlege that kind of behavior.

                He started a couple of times over the weekend and I just didn't talk to him. I think he's started figuring it out.

                I'm taking the "treat him like a kid" approach.

                #19 kate.com

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                  Posted 08 September 2008 - 02:06 PM

                  Quote:
                  Originally Posted by ErinB
                  Thanks ladies.

                  It's been better because I did sit him doan and tell him to quit. I also told he that I would not be treated in that manner and if he kept it up, I wouldn't respond because I wasn't going to acknowlege that kind of behavior.

                  He started a couple of times over the weekend and I just didn't talk to him. I think he's started figuring it out.

                  I'm taking the "treat him like a kid" approach.
                  Good work! They are like kids, are they not? My FH responds well to positive reinforcement! (use your imagination) I HATE the fact that I have to resort to this... but if it keeps the peace then so be it.

                  Best of luck and stay strong girlfriend! You were an adorable bride by the way!

                  #20 EricaG

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                    Posted 08 September 2008 - 02:14 PM

                    Oh Erin. That really sucks. I hate that tone. Larry gets it too, and I also blame his parents. His Dad wore the pants, gave his Mom permission to go places, told her she couldn't see certain people, and he would just get up and leave without saying anything to her. Basically she was a live in maid/nanny. She rasied their kids, cooked and cleaned. She wasn't happy and finally after 30 years of marriage, he let her get a part time job! WTF!!! He let her? Anyways, she left him a couple years ago now and is much happier. I on the other hand was raised mainly by my Mom and Grandma. My Grandpa died when my Mom was 3 so she too was raised by a single Mother.
                    When Larry gets that tone with me, I remind him that we are equals, that I will NOT be talked to that way, and if he wants a marriage like his parents had, than he better find someone that is willing to have his Mother's role, because I will not have it in my life.
                    As for cooking and cleaning, if always tries to take credit for cooking when he will cook the meat, and then he gets me to do everything else, or he passes it all to me because he needs to go to the bathroom or the store suddenly, and he wants me to watch the food. Then he just goes to the couch and that it is until it is time to eat. Oh yeah, the dishwasher that he doesn't know how to put anything in.... The way I see it, if one person cooks, the other person can clean up afterwards! It doesn't ahppen here, but I keep trying.
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