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What to do about DH's "tone"?

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#1 ErinB


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    Posted 02 September 2008 - 01:09 PM

    My DH has this tone of voice that drives me up the f-ing wall!

    I don't know if he hears the words that come out of his mouth or what, but most of the time I want to strangle him!

    He gets this paternal, condescending, patronzing tone that immediately sets me off. He sounds like I'm a bad kid that will get grounded if I don't follow directions. He has got to stop this or I will walk out the door! I don't think he means things the way he says them, it just doesn't come out well. For example last night he says, "The dishes need to be done by the time I get back home" WTF No one talks to me like that. I know what he meant was that we need to keep on top of housework here at the new place.

    I'm the first to admit that I have problems with male authority figures (always have) and if I feel I'm being backed into a corner, I come out fighting. I tune him out and do not handle myself well. Once I, very maturely, picked up a glass and threw it at the wall behind him and it shattered everywhere!

    His family is very traditional with dad being the head of the house. He's also a retired military, my way or the highway kind of guy. I've noticed after we've spent time with them (the parents were here all weekend helping with the move) that DH tends to act this way.

    I don't know what to do! We jsut got into a fight over the phone about it. I don't want to talk to him ever again right now. I'm not usually hot-headded but this sets me off every time!

    #2 RaydensMama

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      Posted 02 September 2008 - 01:11 PM

      Wow I have no clue what to tell you. Have you always felt this way about the way he talks to you? Do you think maybe you could sit down and try to explain how you feel about it with him? Ugh, I really have no clue what to say, I just hope he wises up soon!!

      #3 Kristy!


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        Posted 02 September 2008 - 01:16 PM

        FI can sometimes have a condensending tone. I equate it to the way he sounds when he gets annoyed at someone working the McDonalds drive-thru window. I think about the 3rd time he used it on me, I fired back "don't talk to me like I'm a McDonalds worker." It opened the door right up to say that he has a way of talking down to me and I'm not going to stand for it. Since then, I think I've heard it once in the past couple years.

        (By the way, I hope I didn't offend anyone. I have nothing against someone who works at McDonalds.)

        #4 ErinB


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          Posted 02 September 2008 - 01:21 PM

          I've tried talking about it with him but he just says I over react and that he doesn't sound the way I say he does.

          I blame a lot of this on his parents and I think I might be overly sensitive when they are around.

          I just don't want to spend my life this way, or worse, have my kids grow up hearing and speaking that way.

          #5 roo66

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            Posted 02 September 2008 - 01:23 PM

            This is not an easy one and im sure youve every right to be as mad as hell.Is this a new thing or has it just got worse since you got married.What id do is write a letter to him because youve give him the letter he cant read and shout at the same time.Give it him and then go to another room.I always find when i write it down whats troubling me i end up surprized at what i wrote.Try to start on a positive and end on a positive.When he comes back into the room im sure his tail will be between his legs.One other tip dont critize his family men forget everything but they dont forget that.my other half always says oh no not another letter!!!!.hope tat helps.x

            #6 ACDCDCAC

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            Posted 02 September 2008 - 01:27 PM

            erin that sucks

            every once in a while doug will say something to me in that tone of voice, but i just chalk it up to the dad in him, with his 2 kids, sometimes you need to speak a certain way to them to get them to understand what you are saying. so when he does it to me i A) think he must need some grown up time, and B) figure i must have been acting like a child and he responds by treating me like one, just like he would to one of his kids.

            i try not to be offended, cause its just his natural reaction, but with mike i dont know what his deal is! that has got to be so frustrating

            #7 kerryjbrown

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              Posted 02 September 2008 - 01:28 PM

              I am so sorry to hear that Erin! Is this a new development since the wedding or was it always there and you looked past it (as we all tend to do being women)?
              I would wait for the immediate anger to subside and ask him to sit down to talk with you, expalining how you feel (not attacking him) and ask him to be more sensitive as you are his wife, not a military commrad.
              I wish you the best as I am terrible at confrontation (I am a manager at work and hate to take the lead at home) but it is super important to keep communications lines open an honest so we don't let it build up.

              #8 LisaG

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                Posted 02 September 2008 - 01:31 PM

                Argh...I know exactly what you mean. James has the same "tone" with me at times. I blame it on him being the "boss" at work and he brings it home with him. I hate it! I always tell him that he's not at work and he needs to leave his bossyness (if that's a word..lol)and ugly talk there.

                #9 Jessica

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                  Posted 02 September 2008 - 01:42 PM

                  I don't blame you for being upset!

                  My friend's husband talks to her the same way. I swear, my jaw hits the ground when he talks to her.

                  I'm not even quite sure what you can do since you have talked to him. Everytime he speaks to you this way just keep re-stating the fact that you don't appreciate it when he talks to you like that and you are his wife, not a child.

                  #10 happygilmore

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                    Posted 02 September 2008 - 01:44 PM

                    I know there is a larger picture to this, but my first thought was "why the hell does she have to do the dishes??!" You work too! So household chores should be equal, as in when you get home from work and dinner is done we'll both do the dishes!

                    But I would have a conversation when you have cooled down a bit and say that even though he doesn't think he has a tone you hear a tone and therefore he needs to think before he says something. and that you two are a team not a solider with a drill seargant!!!!

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