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FI parents coming, mine not - advice please :(


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#1 KittenHeart

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    Posted 25 August 2008 - 06:30 PM

    Ok so I have a very odd dilemna...

    My father passed away 8 years ago so he's not coming and nor do I have anyone to walk me down the aisle.

    I informed my mother of my destination wedding decision and she reacted happily to it saying it sounds like a good idea. Then I start getting her involved with when I want to have it and make sure she books her rooms and flights ahead of time and she drops the bomb... she's not coming. She doesn't like to fly (yet has done it a few times before) and absolutely refuses to come. She also refuses to talk about why she won't come. (Keep in mind she's not paying a red cent for this wedding no matter where it's held)

    My brother (so excited to come to Mexico for my wedding) all of a sudden is against the idea and thinks I'm being selfish.

    Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat I'm literally in shock.

    On the other hand, my FI's family live all over the WORLD. They are absolutely thrilled to come (his second wedding!) and we have one family flying down from Australia.

    Does anyone have any insight? Advice? Help? Similar situations?




    #2 NotYourAverageDW

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      Posted 25 August 2008 - 06:37 PM

      Wow! I'm so sorry. This is really a tough position to be in. You have to decide whether you want a DW or not. If you do, then stick to your decision. A lot of the time family will let you down, and they will also play games and try and bluff you into changing your mind. If you hold strong you may find them booking flights at the last minute because they want to be there with you.

      You still have about a year. I'd refrain from discussing anything with them for awhile. Maybe time will straighten them out and in November you'll have them eagerly asking you questions etc.

      Hang in there and hopefully they'll see the light.

      Good luck!

      P.S. Can you try and find out if your brother knows why your mom changed her mind? Is it the location? Do you think they might be open to idea of a DW but in a different location. Bear in mind you do not have to change your plans, but it could be a compromise.

      #3 Cattie

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        Posted 25 August 2008 - 06:44 PM

        I wish I could help.

        If your mother has flown before, but all of a sudden will not for her daughters wedding? I would straight out ask her why she doesn't want to attend. I would also ask your brother why the sudden change of heart. If they don't want to talk about it, I'd push the issue. This is your wedding, a very important part of your life. This isn't just running down to the local store to get milk. Could it be possibly a price issue?

        This is YOUR day, no one else's. As long as your FI and you are happy, does it give anyone the right to not be happy with your decision? My FMIL wasn't happy we where getting married in Bermuda, due to a lot of my FI's family being in Europe, but I said as long as we're both there and happy, I really don't care about what people think. This is about us, not the selfish people who want to turn this whole debate into themselves. Of course I'd love for everyone to be able to join us, but I know it's not possible. If they're going to make a big deal about it, obviously they don't care about what you want.

        I hope you can work everything out. Or atleast find out what the issue is with your mom and brother. Just remember, making everyone else happy will only make your miserable in the end. Trust me, I said F em all. This is all about me!!



        #4 KittenHeart

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          Posted 25 August 2008 - 06:57 PM

          Quote:
          Originally Posted by Cattie
          I wish I could help.

          Trust me, I said F em all. This is all about me!!

          HAHA! That was my response to my brother... I asked him what a wedding WAS about... he answered and I was like, EXACTLY, so we are the only people that matter.

          Ridiculous problem to have. I refuse to triple the cost of my wedding I have to pay for ON MY OWN just so she doesn't have to fly.

          Thank you guys for your words, it does help hearing that I'm not the crazy one here...

          #5 Erica053009

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            Posted 25 August 2008 - 07:07 PM

            I am sooo sorry for your situation it must suck. When planning a DW we all expect some people we think are going to go let us down but for both your Mother and brother let you down it must hurt. Do you have any other family that will make it an aunt or close cousin? Can those people talk to your mother and brother? You have some time so I would let it go for a bit and then maybe offer up some cash if it is too much for them or maybe ask your bro to walk you down the aisle maybe he was hurt when you didn't ask earlier and is now not so willing to go? Good luck no matter what...

            #6 Chantal85

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              Posted 25 August 2008 - 07:36 PM

              Wow, this is a tough one. I'm not an expert and can't say I've been in this situation before, but I can sense something is up.

              I think you need to give it a bit of time and then sit your mom and brother down for a long chat. Explore their thoughts, ask open questions. You might find out something that you would have never known otherwise. It could be something like maybe your mom feels sad/guilty that your father won't see you get married or something really deep. Or, it could be something simple like she thinks she can't afford it. I also have feeling whatever the reason your mom changed her mind, that it may have persuaded your brother to do the same.

              #7 Karen

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                Posted 25 August 2008 - 07:51 PM

                Unfortunately you are not the only person to have this problem. It amazes me each and every time I hear that immediate family pout and decide not to come to their daughter's/ sister's/etc. wedding because it's a DW. If I had over a year to plan, I would go to the ends of the earth to go to my daughter's wedding. We had two friends who were each planning DWs at the same time as ours. The three DWs were litteraly within a few months of each other. Jay and I did a lot of OT and sacrificing to afford all three weddings because it was important to us. And these were FRIENDS not FAMILY. I just don't get it. Jay and I got married by ourselves in Mexico and we had the opposite problem...our family wanted to go but we wanted to be alone. I knew if family were involved, slowly but surely our wediing would change to accomodate everyone else and would stop being about us.

                I say follow your heart. If a DW is really what you want regardless of who shows up, then stick to your guns. Like everyone else said, give your brother and mom some time. Hopefully when they see you are not bending and that this is your dream, they will be there to support you. And I am sure you will find a trusted friend or relative to give you away if they don't come. Or give yourself away....I did and it was fine. Good luck! (PS sorry for the rant).
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                #8 2bebridejamaica

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                  Posted 25 August 2008 - 08:29 PM

                  Well I can offically say I am in the same boat as you. It's all Jay's family and none of mine are coming. My father has been long gone out of the picture since I was 10. My mother well we just don't see eye to eye on ANYTHING and my brother and sister.. well since they are on my mothers side of things and how I go about my life and where I lead myself.. (BLACK SHEEP is the best term to call me) they have nothing to do with my wedding. I sent them all letters letting them know about the engagement and got nothing back at all not even a call... sooo I am going and doing this alone... It will be fine in the end. I know who the people are that love Jay and I, I guess that is what matters.

                  I think this is why we did the DW in the first place.. Jay popped the DW on me, after starting to plan a local and well he was right... the "normal" stuff was already upsetting me. Sooo Jay's dad is walking me down the isle and then will be his B.M.

                  It's sucks when people don't follow through but I'm not going to let them bring me down.

                  #9 **~Jenn~**

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                    Posted 25 August 2008 - 09:24 PM

                    Ugh...I am going through similar stuff today!!
                    Hang in there girl.
                    Ya know when I first started reading these posts about family backing out and everyone would say, it happens to all of us DW brides, I thought, well not me..My family is all gung ho and waiting on our date to be set...Well surprise, Surprise....Our date is set and already my brother gave me the "i don't think we can afford it speech" after I went crazy trying t find a date that accomodated his childrens Communion and dance recitals.....and now my FI's mom and step dad are getting all upset over the prices...because they wanted to give us a "big" gift!! Who cares about the gift...We spent all night telling them it will be the best gift to have them there!! They just say,"well you have to see where we are coming from"
                    Whatever..I spent all day crying and being aggravated...My dad is already not coming (i knew that ahead of time) so I was gonna have my Brother walk me down the Isle and now it looks like I either have my mom do it or I am walking alone....Ya know what though...I don't care...this is what WE want. If you can't afford it...don't come...If your gonna complain don't come....This wedding is ours and what we want..with or without everyone else!!!

                    So hang in there and stick to your guns...This is about what you guys want!!
                    Married @ Dreams Cancun 06/24/09
                    My Wedding Reviewhttp://bestdestinati....24-09-a-45066/Pics By Juan Navarrohttp://www.facebook.....9&l=32db696cd3

                    #10 landwlkr

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                      Posted 25 August 2008 - 09:44 PM

                      Hi there,

                      I am a bit further behind you on planning, but already I am expecting to be in a similar, yet opposite scenario. My FI's parents don't really approve of me (we come from different religions and countries). I am certain his family will boycott, yet mine are delighted and will be there with full force.

                      I think I understand you. Ultimately only you and your FI can make the decision, is the DW worth the price of not having all your family present? Maybe yes, maybe no. I don't subscribe 100% to the ideal that the day is all about you-- IMHO it's about declaring your intentions to the universe, friends and family, that you have found your partner and are committing yourself body and soul to them. If it weren't at least partially about that, why invite anyone at all? For many many brides and grooms it is this declaration in front of a loving audience that makes the day so much more special-- for others, it isn't about that at all and all they need is their beloved across from them and no one else. But like I said, only you know what's in your heart.

                      I wish you love and luck!

                      Terra




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