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I hate confrontation


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#21 PenMarie

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    Posted 28 July 2008 - 08:17 AM

    I didn't read all the responses yet, however, I did read and agree 100% with Maura. I also think your fiance was dead on when he said this girl talking to you by yourself was a power play on her part.

    First, you sound like a very sweet person. Unfortunately, this whench sees this and can most likely tell from your actions that you hate confrontation -- she's using this against you to bully you and make you feel like crap.

    Just listening to your story where she turned it around to be BOTH of your problems and you were standing there sobbing and she's still bashing you...oh, that made my blood boil --- she's lucky it wasn't me she was talking to or her teeth would have been down her throat and I'd have been fired and probably in jail.

    Most importantly, this person IS making your work environment one in which you feel threatened and unsafe --- this is unacceptable, and your employer should in NO WAY, shape or form allow this to continue. I'd do what Maura said and make sure you use "key" terms if you decide to go the email route --- and, nope, I don't believe I'd cc this Mary either.

    Someone mentioned getting Becks input on this as well, since she's in HR -- good idea...between her, Maura, and the other girls, I hope you'll be able to set this little B**TCH straight!!

    I'm sorry you have to deal with an ass like this -- with some people, the only way they can make themselves feel good is to belittle others and make them feel like crap...people like this need to be knocked down a notch. I hope she gets exactly what's coming to her!

    #22 jajajaja

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      Posted 28 July 2008 - 12:55 PM

      I would just like to add that while Mary might be intimidating you or causing a "threatening or hostile work environment", it doesn't necessarily constitute as unlawful harrassment. Unlawful harrassment involves the protected classes of race, gender, age, disability, religion, etc. In cases of unlawful harrassment your company MUST act, but when someone is being "mean" or "intimidating" it is a different scenario. I think you do have a valid point to make when speaking with management, but I just wanted to point out that this is a different scenario that isn't protected by civil rights (although you are in Canada so I don't know what laws you all have.)

      I think your company should have intervened LONG time ago- especially when a supervisor admits to you that they have noticed the way that Mary treats you. I don't know what they expected from this situation. Did they just think that Mary would wake up one day and stop being a bitch? It's totally wrong on their part.

      I think you should talk to your manager and bring her attention to the way Mary has been treating you. Point out that your supervisor even noticed and commented on the situation. Hopefully she will take some steps to rectify this situation whether that be disciplining Mary or just modifying your work environment.

      In the meantime, I would not talk to Mary about anything work related. If you do need to speak to her about something WORK related, keep it professional. If she is negative or tries to "shoot you down," thank her for her input while in her head saying (f* you bitch) and stick by what you want to do. Do not give her the upper hand and let her bully you into doing whatever she wants.

      NEVER EVER talk to her in private. I mean- NEVER. Always have a witness present (hopefully a supervisor or HR rep) to mediate. IF she tries to talk to you alone, refuse and tell her that you will gladly make a meeting so she and you can talk in the presence of a supervisor. Period. :)

      Please please don't let Mary run you away. Especially if you like your job. This is a great lesson to learn on how to deal with assholes in the workplace because trust me, they will always be there. Just don't tolerate it. Document occurences and bring them to light. Good luck! You know we are here to listen and help.
      Happily married since 2008

      #23 Hartyt509

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        Posted 28 July 2008 - 01:27 PM

        Quote:
        Originally Posted by kevsgirl
        And I’ve got Harty on my side too, so I know she’s going down! LOL!
        Too bloody right and the way I am feeling at the mo i'd rip her head off,shove it up her arse and piss down her neck!!! (sorry if that was too graphic) lmao



        #24 Davematthews16

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          Posted 02 August 2008 - 12:12 AM

          Wishing you no stress, and no drama from this girl!!!!!! Hope your week was great! :)

          #25 kevsgirl

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            Posted 02 August 2008 - 09:26 AM

            Quote:
            Originally Posted by LC_Rachel
            I would just like to add that while Mary might be intimidating you or causing a "threatening or hostile work environment", it doesn't necessarily constitute as unlawful harrassment.
            Yeah, unfortunately it's called "personal" harassment, which is sometimes not dealt with.

            Quote:
            Originally Posted by LC_Rachel
            I think your company should have intervened LONG time ago- especially when a supervisor admits to you that they have noticed the way that Mary treats you. I don't know what they expected from this situation. Did they just think that Mary would wake up one day and stop being a bitch? It's totally wrong on their part.
            My supervisor left in May so now all I have is the manager and she's been great. I've basically become her go-to person after my supervisor left. She totally depends on me and trusts me. She knows and agrees that the supervisor handled things all wrong.

            Quote:
            Originally Posted by LC_Rachel
            NEVER EVER talk to her in private. I mean- NEVER. Always have a witness present (hopefully a supervisor or HR rep) to mediate. IF she tries to talk to you alone, refuse and tell her that you will gladly make a meeting so she and you can talk in the presence of a supervisor. Period. :)
            Thanks for this advice. My mother said the same thing. And I'm DEFINITELY going to stick by it. I will NEVER go into a room alone with her.
            Just like none of my emails to her are without someone CC'd (work related stuff). And I'm keeping all of them.
            I'm totally trying to cover my a**. :)

            #26 kevsgirl

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              Posted 02 August 2008 - 09:34 AM

              So I figured that I should give you all an update on what happened this week. You've all had such great advice and made me feel so much stronger, which is good.

              When I went into work on Monday I felt strong and like I wasn'g going to take any of this anymore.

              My manager came in on Tuesday just for one day and then went on holiday again. This makes things difficult, but whatever.
              I had booked a meeting with her for 9am to discuss stuff. When I came in, Mary was already in her office with the door closed.

              My meeting went ok. I told her about it all and I think her overall impression was that it's just a personality clash. That's what Mary had said to her, apparently. That we were very different people.
              BUT I was very careful to say that I know it was targeted at me (and there's proof from other people).

              AND even if it was just personality, it's still both side's jobs to ensure that they are being considerate. It doesn't work for her to just say that she "can't help me with that" (me being scared of her) because it's her personality.

              I was very proud of myself for that!

              After saying all this, she said she'd keep her eyes open for anything. And she called HR and called me back into her office to say that I really should be careful who I talk to - basically not to say anything to anyone but HR (for confidentiality) and that she thinks that she may know who's spreading rumours on another team and may talk with her... (one of my old co-workers - and nothing to do with me talking with her, just that she was one of the original ones with my supervisor). She said that we'll hope it goes better. She said that if something happens we need to talk to eachother about it and I said I would never go into a room alone with Mary again. Manager was really surprised and said, well what would you do? And I said it would have to be infront of the manager or someone else. I think that talking about that and telling her how upset I was (that I was sobbing last Friday while in the room with her) really showed her how much I had felt under attack.

              Still, later that day in a meeting as soon as it was my turn to talk about what I'm working on, Mary left the room and returned about 3 minutes later. She did this a few weeks back too. It just makes me feel like it's her comment on me being worthless.
              I know I'm so overly sensitized at this point, but I swear, she's a mega-b****!

              OTher than that, things have been fairly quiet this week. She huffed and puffed a few times about people being noisy, but that was funny to me, because she's one of those people who when she's making a phone call is obscenely loud. :P

              So, so far so good. I think she realizes that she has to be careful. I also think that after I talked with my manager about the personality clash and how it was still important for both of us to be careful about how we approached the other, I think she talked to Mary again to just drive that point in. That she has to work on it too.

              #27 caroline

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                Posted 02 August 2008 - 10:05 AM

                God, it hurts to read your post. I won't say that I "like" confrontation, but there is NO WAY I would put up with that kindof shit from anyone. Mary would be running for the hills.

                Obviously, people already know about the situation and from what I read, they pretty much know that she is the one at fault (hey, she's had run-ins with others?)

                I would knuckle down and have no dealings with her unless absolutely necessary.

                And the next time she attempts to pull you into a room for a "chat?!" I'd tell her (in my most endearing way) to go you-know-where.

                But that's me...

                Don't let someone like this stress you out! F*ck her!

                #28 heather007

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                  Posted 08 September 2008 - 03:47 PM

                  Quote:
                  Originally Posted by kevsgirl
                  Thanks all of you! I am still really new to the workforce. FI said the same thing - that I should never have talked to her alone without someone else present. If she ever tries to talk to me again, I'll insist that my manager is there.

                  So my problem is that my manager isn't in right now. Should i email her directly? I'm worried that the email could get into someone's hands that I don't want to see it... I don't know. I'm such a wimpe
                  Sorry Honey that you are going through this.

                  Here's what you should do.

                  1) Don't CC Mary your email to the boss. Email your boss and in that email ask if you can arrange a meeting to discuss what is happening.

                  2) I see you are from Ottawa, so the Human Rights Code of Ontario covers this type of harassment at work. You should not have to put up with it and action should be taken against Mary. Workplaces have zero tolerance for this- it's called Work Place Bullying or Work Place Harassment If, however, your boss does nothing, then bring up your complaint with an Occupational Health and Safety tribunal. The Code states that "equal rights and opportunities, and freedom from discrimination." This is not happening here.

                  Plus, the OSH changed the anti-bully law on October 2007 to cover bullying at work- here is a link to give you some steps on actions. It's was created before the new law was in effect.
                  OSH Answers: Bullying in the Workplace

                  I do highly recommend not speaking to Mary without anyone else in management present. Any emails that you recieve from her, keep. When co-workers attempt to talk to you about her, don't go there. Keep a detailed record of what has happened, when, and how it made you feel. Furthermore, next time you see your family doctor, inform them what is going on, just incase your blood pressure has risen with the stress.

                  ~~

                  #29 Amarillis

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                    Posted 08 September 2008 - 04:12 PM

                    Wow... Andrea,

                    I am glad that things are looking up, this will take time. Especially if Mary is one to hold grudges, and if managment is hitting home the idea that she cannot be acting in this manner.

                    Chin up girl, try not to let her get to you. Be the bigger person. It's tough, and I know you wanna kick her with a golf shoe on... I know I would for ya!




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