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I hate confrontation

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#11 Kathie

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    Posted 26 July 2008 - 10:19 AM

    You definitely need to let her know you're not taking her shit! She's a bully and she knows she can intimidate you. What a bitch! Just remember you did not do anything wrong. Stand up to her and she will eventually move on to someone else, then she'll get the attention of HR and she'll be outta there! Good luck and don't let her see you sweat.

    #12 Maura


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    Posted 26 July 2008 - 10:33 AM

    Andrea DO NOT CC crazy mary on ANY email you send to management or HR - do you think she would give you the same courtesy? hell no she wouldnt! dont send a general email either. get specific, and fast. keep it private between you & your manager and HR. tell your manager you are going to be reporting these incidences to HR because THIS IS HARASSMENT IN THE WORKPLACE. you need to use key words in your messages - harassment in the workplace is a VIOLATION OF YOUR CIVIL RIGHTS!!!!!

    #13 1elephant

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      Posted 26 July 2008 - 10:40 AM

      i'm sorry mary sucks...i don't have advice other that what was said already...and not that it would help you now, but in the school districts, we're often told that if a parent tries to confront you, you flat out tell them you're not comfortable speaking without another party, be it a principal, union rep, manager, whatever, end of conversation. it's a way to avoid that situation from now on, should she ever do it again.
      good luck!

      #14 Davematthews16

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        Posted 26 July 2008 - 11:07 AM

        So for a second there, I was SURE I was reading a post about my own work life! Replace Mary with the name L. and keep our names the same hehe and it would totally be my life too. We sound very similar in personalities, and I too hate confrontation. Especially in the work place where you have to spend most of your time UGH. It can make things SO awkward, so I am like you, and just try and blow it off or be the better person and say "hi" even when I have to bite my tounge. I'm learning that people like that try and go for your weak spots knowing that you might crack. It's hard but just always remember she's just a human with bones, and organs and shes' no different than anyone else. She obviously has issues, and I'm sure the root of the problem is shes jealous of you, and takes it out on you by being a bitch! (Lovely isn't it?) Stand up for yourself as if you were standing up for your best friend or your own child. I always have to remind myself that if I don't stand my own ground first, no one can stand behind me :) What astrological sign are you?

        #15 kevsgirl

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          Posted 26 July 2008 - 11:08 AM

          Thanks all of you! I am still really new to the workforce. FI said the same thing - that I should never have talked to her alone without someone else present. If she ever tries to talk to me again, I'll insist that my manager is there.

          So my problem is that my manager isn't in right now. Should i email her directly? I'm worried that the email could get into someone's hands that I don't want to see it... I don't know. I'm such a wimpe

          #16 Jessica

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            Posted 26 July 2008 - 11:30 AM

            Aww. I'm sorry hun. I'm super sensitive and always start bawling when I'm upset so I understand that. On the otherhand, I can be very confrontational when someone gets in my face so I'd have no problem shutting this b!tch down.

            I hate, hate, HATE work drama. It's so high school and petty. Usually when I don't get along with someone at work I just totally shut them out. She seems like a typical bully. She's looking to get a rise out of you. She knows you won't stand up for yourself and she's zeroing in on that.

            You should tell your manager about the situation, I wouldn't cc Mary though. I'd email management and from now on just avoid Mary. If she tries this sh!t again, tell her you will only speak to her with a mediator (management) because of the previous encounter and walk away. Next time she shoots you down in front of others, say that you appreciate her opinion but you stand by your ideas. If you must talk to her about work related stuff keep to the topic and the moment the last sentence is out of your mouth, remove yourself from the room.

            I don't really know about the harassment angle but if that's something you want to pursue, you should look into it. Otherwise don't ever give her the satisfaction of knowing that she's gotten to you. As a fellw sensitive person, I know it sucks when someone is being mean to you but you need to develop an "F-you" attitude about it. Who cares what she says. No one believes her and she's just making herself out to be a petty bitch by acting like this. Her attitude is HER problem, not yours.

            #17 Davematthews16

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              Posted 26 July 2008 - 11:30 AM

              If at all possible, I would wait until your manager returns and talk to her face to face. That way nothing can get "mis-understood" and no emotions will be left out, as they are sometimes in e-mails. I would start with this incident and document everything else that happens, or anything else you can remember in previous weeks. Write dates down too. Just put it in a notebook for yourself. That way when you talk to your boss, you can be "shielded" with your notebook, and won't forget any of them. :) I know that I tend to get so caught up in the moment that my mind can go blank. You may also want to type a formal letter to your manager that tells her EXACTLY how you feel. Tell her how you don't want to come to work, and how this woman degrates you in meetings so much that other co-workers notice. And also tell her of this recent incident where you were "verbally attacked" by her. If you don't want to come to work because of some bitch, that is NOTHING the manager should take lightly. P.S you aren't a wimp, you just happen to be a nice person who's compassionate twards others.

              #18 kevsgirl

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                Posted 26 July 2008 - 12:02 PM

                Ok, so I think I will try to write an email to my manager tonight just saying that this 'conversation' happened and we both agreed to try to move forward, but that I would like to talk to her (the manager) personally about the situation as I am still not comfortable with my working relationship with Mary and the 'conversation' was verging on harassment as well.

                That way nothing big is in the email, but the manager knows that I want to talk to her when she gets in on Monday and she'll make time for me to explain what happened.

                I bet as soon as she gets in Mary will be high-tailing it to her office. Then again, maybe she won't because maybe she hopes no one will hear about it? I don't know.

                Thanks Andrea for the kind words. I am still reeling from how mean people can be to a seemingly quite personable person (myself), but that's the way of the world.

                #19 kevsgirl

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                  Posted 26 July 2008 - 10:22 PM

                  Ok, so here it is. Just sent this email off to my manager.

                  And it's sent, so please don't scare me by saying it's the wrong thing at this point! I'm already freaking out that I cc'd Mary on this email!!!!


                  Mary requested a private meeting yesterday with me and we talked about the problems that we’ve experienced in our working relationship this past year.
                  While we did not resolve our differences or how everything began, we did ‘agree to disagree’.

                  We also agreed that we would both try to be more respectful toward one another from now on and to move forward towards a better working relationship for the good of the team.


                  Then I sent a separate email to my manager alone that says this:


                  I think you are coming in on the 28th and the 29th. I would really like to sit down and talk with you when you have a chance.

                  I hope you’re having a great holiday!

                  We are fairly informal at our work. I almost put a smiley, but didn't :)

                  And now, in the words of my mother who is into Buddhism: I am goign to take the part of my brain currently obsessing over Mary and shrink it by 50% if possible!

                  Oh and I'm looking into harassment in the workforce this weekend, reading up on it and in my 1:1 with Judy will talk about that and go to HR too and see their policies about it.

                  It amazes me that she got me so good that I didn't see what everyone else has seen: that she really crushed me with that 'talk'. I never should have gone itno a room alone iwt her or sat down. I shouldn't have taken it and I really shouldn't be feeling bad about it. It was just one more way of her to harass me and keep me down. All I can think about is "well, we decided and agreed to not talk behind eachother's backs and act well". HA! She is just trying to keep me quiet. NOT GONNA WORK!

                  My mom was asking about what she would hate me for/ what she would be jealous of or whatever be threatened by and I came up with a few things:

                  - she's older than me and hates that she's getting old
                  - I'm young and in love and getting married
                  - she never had kids (says she hates them, but who knows) and we want to have them in the next few years
                  - I was managing a new hire this week when the boss was out on vacation
                  - I am very close to the boss and getting lots of recognition for my current hard work.

                  So lots. Ha!

                  Man, I cannot let her burst my bubble for this upcoming week. I was on fire lately and have been doing so well.

                  #20 Kathie

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                    Posted 26 July 2008 - 10:32 PM

                    You are not talking behind her back. You cc'd her on it and you're just "keeping minutes" of the conversation so that it is documented. You need to do that because if another issue arises HR will have some background on the situation.

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