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How to Avoid a Mother in Law Freak Out

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#11 Kat81

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    Posted 10 July 2008 - 08:55 PM

    Yeah, it is your wedding so do what you want. But I can understand your FMIL's stance. I would be hurt if my neices and nephews didn't invite me to their wedding. I invited 80 people and 24 are coming.

    #12 kevsgirl

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      Posted 10 July 2008 - 09:19 PM

      Ok, so I also have a pretty controlling (albeit very sweet) FMIL. She is wonderful, but she gets so into planning things that she doesn't hear what other people are saying, KWIM?

      I almost died one day we were all at a family event and she stands up and announces that everyone is invited to our wedding. Oh man, did FI ever tell her off for that!!!

      His family is getting the short end of the stick for our DW. It's not because we don't like them, but there are too many of them, most of them can't afford it and FI isn't that close to any of them. On my side, my mom's side is getting the most invitations, my dad's side has none. That's because I honestly don't know any of my aunts and uncles on my dad's side, but I do know and really care for my mom's family. My dad seems fine with that.

      My best advice is that you and FI are very very clear on exactly what your plans are (list, location, etc.) before entering into any discussions with FMIL. Otherwise, it sounds like she will dictate the wedding and you don't want to go there.
      Mine tried to get me to change the location and date several times over and tried to guilt me into inviting all of FIs family on both sides, and that would have been over 50 people.

      Everything that is a discussion should only be with you and FI. That is guest list, location, date, etc. Obviously you want to make sure people can make the date you choose, but we even got backfired on that one too, because at the last minute, FMIL decided she and FFIL couldn't make our date and we ended up moving it earlier.

      Give them an inch and they'll take a mile.

      Once you and FI are completely agreed together on your plan of attack, then quietly ask him to talk to her and tell her exactly what's going to happen. If you aren't inviting her twin, he should tell his mom that it's because you really don't know her and you want to only have people who are very close to you at the wedding.

      Good luck!

      #13 TammyWright


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      Posted 10 July 2008 - 09:47 PM

      unless there is a good reason not to invite the twin (ie she is a raving B*tch to you) i say let her come...especially since you did not make it clear from the get go that she is invited and she already went to get her passports...reading this forum you will see there are so many "friends and family" that say they want to come and then wait until the last minute to get passports causing all this stress...

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      #14 Yari

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        Posted 10 July 2008 - 11:52 PM

        I would invite the twin, it causes too much drama not too.

        #15 A10CalGal

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          Posted 10 July 2008 - 11:57 PM

          This is a great lesson in why you and FI need to be on the same page about things before discussing them with others! I think it's completely ok to set your limits when it comes to who you invite to your wedding. For me it was important that only our most important people in life were at our wedding...we didn't do any courtesy invites, but we were both clear about that from the start. It kinda sounds like this whole thing came out of the gate before you two were clear, hence you haven't communicated a clear plan of action to "outsiders" aka FMIL.

          With the state of the current situation, I would def invite the twin. There is no guarantee she will be there, but you've made the gesture & calmed some nerves.

          #16 Kits55

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          Posted 11 July 2008 - 11:19 AM

          Thank you everyone for posting your opinions! i didn't think anyone would respond for some reason. lol

          hartyt i really loved your opinion, it totally matched up with what i'd really like to do and how i think!

          LC Rachel i'm really glad that you kind of reminded me to "walk in someone elses's shoes" and so did everyone else. the thing is that the drama that will happen with his mom and her twin not being invited is really only the tip of the drama iceberg. If ALL of his aunts come (all 3 sisters, plus his mom) i can't even tell you of the drama that will be at my wedding. regardless of the occasion there is always constant whining, complaining, bitching and side taking that go on when they are together.

          When FI spoke to his mom about it and basically said that she didn't care how pissed off her other two sisters would be at her, she still wants her twin to come that badly. I am comforted by hearing how many of you invited way over the amount of people you wanted to have there, that makes me feel better. Though one of the resorts i'm looking at having our wedding at, The Royale Playa del Carmen has a wedding package that is $6,875 for UP TO 20 guests. so what do i do with everyone else? Yesterday after talking to a couple of friends here's what we came up with:

          have his parents pay for the rehearsal dinner and invite everyone that's already arrived to it
          invite more than just the 20 people we really want to be there (some friends i've had to cut from our list) and we have can more people at our ceremony.
          Have only our closest 20 people (NOT FMIL's twin) at our actual cocktail hour and reception. During our actual reception we can tell the rest of the people from the ceremony that there is an informal gathering (they'll be paying for themselves) at a nearby bar/restaurant/lounge or whatever that we'll be stopping by to thank people for coming.
          Invite everyone to a farewell but have people pay for themselves at that too.
          a lot my guests say a big "hell no" to planned group activities but i know that i'll be doing some anyways so i think i'll leave an open ended invite to those for anyone to join. My friends that i talked to, want to be the people at the informal gathering. They said that as long as i'm up front with people before sending them actual invites and they know the deal up front then they'd be fine with it.

          how does that sound to everyone?

          #17 Kat81

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            Posted 11 July 2008 - 11:25 AM

            If it is money issues, the resorts will charge per head after the 20. For example, maybe fifty bucks for dinner and thirty bucks for the cocktail hour. In that case maybe FMIL can pay for anyone over and beyond that she invites KWIM? It will be kinda awkward for you to have people at your wedding then only some of them come to the reception? That would be really hard for me to do. Again, it's your wedding.... do what YOU want.

            #18 DanielleNDerek

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              Posted 11 July 2008 - 11:29 AM

              I think that if someone traveled to come to my wedding and then didn't get invited to the reception because they weren't in the 20 people you really want there, i would feel like a reject.

              I think that would be awkward for you guys and your guests.

              Is there anyway that you can just not have a rehearsal dinner and your fi's parents can pay for the extra people at the reception instead?
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              #19 Hartyt509

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                Posted 11 July 2008 - 01:34 PM

                To be truthful that might give you more probs lol

                I know a lot of my friends have asked if they HAD to stay for the reception because its their holiday and there happens to be a wedding at that resort lol if they are like that then they'll be happy enough.

                You'll get flak no matter what you decide so do what is the best and easiest for YOU and if FMIL starts tell her to go screw herself lol from what you've said you don't want the twin there so don't invite her lol

                #20 Kits55

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                Posted 24 July 2008 - 03:37 PM

                Thanks everyone for your advice. FI told his mom the day after i came up with the idea. So while he was down here she called on a Saturday and said if that's the case then her twin wouldn't really want to come but that that would be OK. so, so far, so good. We're still trying to decide on a place so we may open up the guest list more for friends but i'm not sure how we'll swing that one. lol we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Hardyt, i LOVE your posts and comments, you always make laugh!

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