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How to Avoid a Mother in Law Freak Out

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#1 Kits55

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Posted 10 July 2008 - 03:28 PM

Hi Everyone:

Here is my dilemma. We are having a DW in Mexico or Costa Rica, we're undecided as of yet. Anyways i'd like there only to be around 20 guests at our wedding. I'm not having a DW to invite everyone that we would if we were staying at home to get married, i want a small intimate wedding. I didn't exactly know how the guest list worked when we started out wanting a DW. So i thought it would be OK to invite one aunt and unlce's family but not the other two. i was told by EVERYONE that that is NOT cool and you never do things like that.

Here's where the problem lies, with our wedding party, him, and me that's already 14 people, plus our parents (another 4) so we basically get to invite one more couple. Well we had our moms make their own guest lists with everyone on them then rate that person A, B, or C and then we'd combine scores and see who got the A spots. Well his mom took it the wrong way and thought that ALL of her As got to come. He has tried to explain to her multiple times that we're cutting people from her list. Here's the kicker: she is a twin. Her and twin are very close. Well his mom thinks that her twin is invited, even though they can't afford it. She wants to help her twin pay for her entire trip because she wants her there that badly! I have two problems with that, does he his mom not realize that they will have wedding things to pay for besides just her twin and her twin's husband coming? 2) We're not inviting the twin but leaving out the other two sisters!!! And there's no way in you-know-what that we're inviting the other two. god, our wedding would be the wedding from hell (i'm sure some of you know the drama that comes with some families). SOOOOO, his mom still has not picked up on the fact that her twin is NOT invited. She even made her twin go out and get her passport even though our wedding is not until April 2009. So now they've already gone that step too.

the worst part is that his mother is going to FREAK OUT. I have been SO stressed out waiting for him to just tell her flat out, she's not invited. Even though his mom is a fantastic person, she's very easily hurt and when she is mad or hurt she lashes out like no other. she will become shrill and start screaming and ranting and raving and basically throwing out the F-bomb. I'm at a loss as what to do. Should i just invite her twin to keep her happy and risk pissing off the rest of the family or just let her know in no uncertain terms that her twin is not invited?

the other thing that is really bothering me is that she wants to invite her twin to give her support since they're so close but her twin has hardly ever said more than 2 words to me and we've been dating for 6.5 years!! i only want people that i'm close to at my wedding, hence the "small and intimate" feel i want. So i really really really really don't want her twin there.

If anyone has thoughts or has gone through a similar situation please let me know!! i need to send out the save the dates in the next couple of weeks.


#2 DanielleNDerek

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    Posted 10 July 2008 - 03:32 PM

    This is not good.

    So she wants to invite her twin but not her other bros and sisters? That's kind of strange.
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    #3 ErinB


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      Posted 10 July 2008 - 03:37 PM

      I don't have any sage words of wisdom. Sorry.

      I would suggest really thinking about the reality of the situation. If you invite the aunts, what is the chance they will come? What harm will be done to the relationships with the people you don't invite? Since marriage is supposed to be forever, you don't want to start if off pissed at his family. Sometimes you simply have to be the bigger person. Be prepared to get a lot of crap for having a DW in the first place.

      Unfortunately, you may have a few people drop out closer to the wedding so you numbers will even out.

      There will be so much going on while you are down there, I promise you won't notice 2 or 4 more people. My resort had enough activites I only saw some of my guests at the wedding and if I happened to bump into them at the pool.

      If you are concerned with the money, you need to tell FI's parent's now what you expect them to pay for so they can budget accordingly. If they can or want to help any of your other guests out, then that is their decision.

      #4 Bianca

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        Posted 10 July 2008 - 03:45 PM

        If you know she is going to freak out, then you just need to pick the best time and tell her straight up what is going on with the invite list. Be prepared for what she is going to do and do not budge or react to her. Just be clear YOU choose the final guest list and you will consider what she wants when you do that. She may threaten to not go or something... but in the end, she is his mom and she would be really crazy not to go. It will be her craziness talking, not her.
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        #5 Bianca

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          Posted 10 July 2008 - 03:47 PM

          Originally Posted by TA Maureen
          I think you can safely invite 40-50 people and still have an intimate wedding. Not everyone that you invite will be able to go and you will most likely still end up with 20-30 guests which is intimate. Why cause arguments and hurt feelings? I think if she wants her twin there that badly that she's willing to pay for her then you shouldn't tell her flat out no. Some people that you think will definitely come (like the 14 people in your wedding party) will end up backing out. It has happened to every one of us.
          I agree! People will back out so there is room to invite others probably. Her twin tho... you have to decide if you want to make fmil happy by inviting her, or if you really dont want her there.
          19 adults/3 children with flights booked! 10 rooms booked!


          #6 Martha

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            Posted 10 July 2008 - 03:51 PM

            We sent out a little more than 100 invitations knowing that only family and close friends were going. We have 30 going and I think that's perfect for us...

            I agree with those people that said you should not invite only one aunt and uncle! I would hate to be the aunt that didn't get invited!

            I think you should invite all family members because chances are they are not all going to be able to go, but at least they know you wanted them there.

            #7 Jenn

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              Posted 10 July 2008 - 03:53 PM

              I'm with Erin on this one... you may not want to invite certain people, but sometimes you have to to avoid future problems. Are you sure they will come if you invite them? Most of us have had a lot of people turn down our invites or drop out at a later date. DW's are expensive, and you don't always get the turnout you expect. So the invite may save you some heartache with the family, and won't necessarily change your final numbers...

              #8 Hartyt509

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                Posted 10 July 2008 - 04:09 PM

                Do what YOU and FI want to do - it doesn't have to be correct, ethical or any other bollox.

                We've done the same FI has told his mother that only she is invited and even his sisters aren't coming. She's taken it ok so far but I think that is mainly because she knows if she crosses me i'll nail her lol

                Just tell her straight up - if she goes hissy mad very calmy tell her she should act like an adult and walk away - you don't have to take anyone's shite and especially not hers. Let FI handle her he's used to it - but DO NOT give in unless you want to.

                Make a stand now or she'll make you suffer for eternity - its a fact of life that some FMIL are born with horns and spout green smoke - i've had 2 of them lol

                #9 jajajaja

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                  Posted 10 July 2008 - 05:37 PM

                  Well you can always do what you want, but that doesn't mean people won't be pissed or upset. Personally I could see myself being pissed like your FMIL. I'm close with my sister and if her future kids told her that I couldn't come to their wedding I would be upset. Or even if my future children told me she couldn't come I would raise hell too. That's just my opinion though- doesn't mean it's right. :)
                  However, if that's what you want, then do it. It doesn't necessarily mean there won't be any reprecussions or hard feelings.

                  Personally- I would invite all the aunts and uncles. I think it's harsh to pick and choose. I mean, what excuse could you use? I don't like you as much as aunt so and so? I think it's an all or none approach. If you invited none, it would be easy to say you just wanted parents and that's it.

                  I would also caution on entering into a relationship where you piss off everyone on his side of the family. Granted this is YOUR day, but you still have to deal with them for the rest of your life. If it's going to cause that much bad blood, I would use caution treading in those waters.
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                  #10 Jamminworld

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                    Posted 10 July 2008 - 08:45 PM

                    Ok personally this is your and FI wedding not his mother's. If you and FI are not close to his aunt then I don't see any reason you have to invite her. From what you say it doesn't sound like this aunt has tried very hard take make you part of the family. I know personally having someone not speak to me would make me feel very uncomfortable and that is not something I want to feel at my wedding. I personally think that FI needs to speak to his mother NOW. I think it will hurt his mothers feelings more the longer she thinks and plans for her sister to be coming. You don't have to be ugly about it just make it very clear that your and FI want only the people closest to the two of your there.

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