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Should I be hurt/offended?


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#1 ErinB

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    Posted 10 July 2008 - 11:07 AM

    I have a very good friend who did not come to my wedding in Jamaica. We were very close. At one point I would go to her house after work, not my own so we could hang out every day. I was very close to her daughter and saw her at least 4 times a week for the first 2 years of her life.

    2 years ago this month, she and her husband moved to "the 'burbs" and now her house is about 45 minutes away form me and most of her other friends. Needless to say, I don't see her as much anymore but we still get together at least once a month.

    Together, she and her husband make well over 100K a year. For reasons still unknown they didn't come to the wedding. It was no one can watch the kids, we don't want to leave them for 4 days, she is scared to fly, it is too much money, etc.

    I know she felt guilty and even made comments like, "I'll buy you a really expensive gift". She did help host the bachelorette party and a shower. Still I felt like there is tension between us and she was avoiding me. She wouldn't return calls, that kind of thing. Now that the wedding is over, she is calling again.

    The long back-story brings me to this. I just found out from another friend, that she is going to a different friend's DW in Florida in September! My friend is a teacher so she will have to take off work, find someone to watch the kids, the resort where the wedding is being held is $350 a night for rooms plus all meals and drinks. She did go to HS with the bride, but now only sees her once a year if we visit her in Chicago. The bride hasn't been back to Kentucky in 3 years.

    I'm a little hurt by all this and am trying to figure out if I am over-reacting. It won't be the end of our friendship, I'm just a tad bit pissed at her. And, she hasn't told me herself that she is going. DH and I will not be there because we don't want to spend that much money to go to Florida and because he is out of vacation time.

    #2 Kristy!

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      Posted 10 July 2008 - 11:10 AM

      I can see why you'd be hurt, especially when you were given a variety of excuses (there was always another one in case solutions were found). Some people are just weird about leaving the country though. Maybe that's it?

      #3 starchild

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        Posted 10 July 2008 - 11:12 AM

        I think it is natural to feel like you do in this case. Maybe there is more to it, like perhaps she (or her husband) didn't want to go to Jamaica but she didn't want to say it. Maybe they've heard bad stories, or like Kristy said to some people the thought of going so far is frightening, Florida isn't too far so maybe that's okay with her. I don't know if that's the case but I'm just trying to make sense of it.

        #4 ashrose

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          Posted 10 July 2008 - 11:19 AM

          I think the real question is, do you feel hurt and offended?

          Like Kristy, I too can understand why you were hurt. She is a close friend and didn't come to your wedding. So, if you feel hurt -- you are completely justified in doing so.

          Without sounding cliche, I'd recomend talking with her about it -- not in an accusatory manner, but moreso in a way that will help to further your relationship and bring about reconciliation.

          She certainly had reasons she made the choices she did (to attend the other girl's wedding as opposed to attending yours)-- just like you had reasons to make the choice to do a DW. Neither of the choices are wrong.

          So do you feel hurt? We can support you all the way through the hurt -- we've been there with people we really care about not being able to or not coming to our DW.

          Hang in there!

          #5 Jen_S

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            Posted 10 July 2008 - 11:21 AM

            I also would be hurt. I think you should talk to her about it so it does not have a negative impact on your friendship especially now that she is going to a DW in Florida. I agree with the other girls maybe she did not want to leave the country or waited until the last min and did not get a passport.
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            #6 becks

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            Posted 10 July 2008 - 11:31 AM

            Like everyone has said, talk with her! There are some people that are afraid to leave the country, or some that have heard bad things about places.

            I'm sure it's not a them-over-you situation.

            Just give her a call.

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            #7 nikkianddean

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              Posted 10 July 2008 - 11:36 AM

              i would be hurt too, but i agree with the ladies here that it was her personal reason for not going. she did host your b-party, so she did try to participate. If you feel really hurt and you feel like your friendship is that important and close, then maybe you can tell her how you feel. If you do that you should try to focus on letting her know how you feel as opposed to questioning her on her motives. more than likely when you tell her how you feel she will explain how she feels and you can get some sort of explanation/closure on the issue. but i would only bring it u if the friendship really means a lot to you. good luck!!
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              #8 Infinity22

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                Posted 10 July 2008 - 11:40 AM

                Quote:
                Originally Posted by ashrose
                Without sounding cliche, I'd recomend talking with her about it -- not in an accusatory manner, but moreso in a way that will help to further your relationship and bring about reconciliation.
                I like all the others, agree with everyone else on this statement! No real harm can come from talking to each other in a non-threatening manner.

                #9 Kathie

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                  Posted 10 July 2008 - 11:52 AM

                  I would definitely be hurt if my friend did that. You really should talk to her and get it off your chest and not hold it inside. What's wrong with some people

                  #10 Allaballa

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                    Posted 10 July 2008 - 12:09 PM

                    I think when you chose to do a DW you have to be prepared that some of your closest friends will not be able to make it.

                    Correct me if I'm wrong, but Couples is an adults only resort. I could totally see that they may not want to come to your DW for various reasons one of which will be their kids.

                    My sister was very clear with me that if we had a DW she could only come with her kids so I chose an apropriate resort to accomodate that.

                    As well, Florida is a cheaper destination, and perhaps her hubby or herself just don't like Jamaica.

                    I think that talking to her about this will just create akwardness and tension. I say you drop it and be very greatful that she went out of her way to do very wonderful things for you prior to the wedding.

                    I'm sorry if I'm being harsh but I just don't see what good "discussing" her choice of how to spend money or vacation time will do.

                    Again its just my opion so please take it with a grain of salt.




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