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Chili Cook Off

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#1 Christi

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    Posted 02 July 2008 - 09:10 PM

    Chili Cook-Off

    This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .

    Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .

    Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL .
    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

    Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

    Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy cr*p, what the H* is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
    They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

    Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.


    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it fr om the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Scr*w them.


    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb

    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I messed on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.


    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Scr*w it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
    the 4- inch hole in my stomach.


    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

    Judge # 3 - No Report

    #2 jrodsgirl

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      Posted 02 July 2008 - 09:32 PM

      This is one that brings tears to my eyes each time I read it. Thanks for sharing!

      #3 Christi

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        Posted 02 July 2008 - 10:08 PM

        This is the first time I've seen it...way too funny!

        #4 Jenn3878

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          Posted 02 July 2008 - 10:13 PM


          #5 JaimeLynne

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            Posted 02 July 2008 - 10:24 PM

            OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Martin and I are DYING over here!!! LMFAO

            My Dad sent this to us recently and kept telling us to read it. Once I saw it reposted on here I knew I had to read it. My Dad said he had to stop half way through to keep from peeing on himself. I must admit, we had to do the same

            My cheeks HURT!!!!

            ~ Jaime & Martin ~
            "Rain or Swine! 2-0-0-9"

            We had 24 people attend our wedding in Las Caletas, Mexico on May 24th, 2009!

            We all stayed at The Marriott in P.V., and Honeymooned at The Royal Plantation in Ochos Rios, Jamaica!

            #6 DreaW

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              Posted 02 July 2008 - 11:54 PM

              oh funny, I was about to post the same joke today....Erik emailed it to me today.....I was ROLFLMAO today.

              #7 becks



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              Posted 03 July 2008 - 08:49 AM

              Oh, that is freakin' hysterical! I've got tears from laughing so hard.

              Happily married since 2008

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