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dh and new job vent - help!

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#1 1elephant

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    Posted 30 June 2008 - 11:18 PM

    as most of you know, dh got a new job in nyc. he started 2 weeks ago, and was in va for training last week. he gets up at 5 and takes a 6am train in, returning home on a 6pm train which gets him home at 7. he's utterly exhausted when he gets home, and goes to sleep at 10. this is a HUGE change from his old job, where he'd get up at 9, go in at 10 and be home between 5-7:30, but could always be around if i needed him. he stayed up late.
    he now has no quality of life. asking him to help with dinner is like asking him to walk the plank. i asked him to get a tarp out from under our back porch, which is covered in webs and grossness and he said no b/c he didn't feel like it. i'm going to a wedding by myself in a few weeks b/c he can't take the time off even tho he knew about the date before taking the job. he can't even have a conversation - he literally said 3 words to me after dinner and i had to remind him to say goodnight, causing us to have the same argument we've had every day since he started.
    i don't have a right to be pissed or annoyed - he says he likes this job, and it pays the bills - but i can't help it. how does he not see that he has no quality of life? during the school year we'll be ok b/c i'll go to sleep at the same time as him, but it's just us for now. what happens when we have kids and they don't see their dad?
    how do i make this work when it clearly sucks SO much? how can i adjust to this change when he's not doing a damn thing to adjust?

    #2 nikkianddean

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      Posted 30 June 2008 - 11:21 PM

      ugh, lauren that sounds terrible for you guys!!! I agree that is not a good quality of life and not the sort of schedule that will be easy to maintain. Is there a possibility that his schedule will adjust a little after he's in a the job a little longer

      I assume he's commuting to Manhattan?? What does he do again? I apologize - I missed the thread about the new job...

      Mr. & Mrs. C
      February 14, 2009

      #3 katrina


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        Posted 30 June 2008 - 11:22 PM

        is this just a temporary gig with an end in sight? or does dh want to be there for the long haul? i guess what i'm getting at is if i knew it just a temp resume builder type thing i'd suck it up- though easier said than done. but it's certainly not something i'd be able to live with for years. i don't know if i have advice, but i do think that it's your place to say if it effects your relationship.. sorry i'm no help! hah

        #4 stacey


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          Posted 30 June 2008 - 11:24 PM

          Im sorry that is really rough. I have my fingers crossed for you that it is just going to take time to adjust to the change. What does he do? Can you move closer to where he works?
          Stacey & Ely 10.14.2008

          #5 1elephant

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            Posted 30 June 2008 - 11:28 PM

            he was a small business owner (mortgages), and is now an account manager for an IT company in manhattan. it's a long term job, and even if he were to leave, he wouldn't be able to do the same job anywhere else for 18 months. the office hours are 7:45-5, but the first train that he's able to make is about 6pm. eventually he'll have to take clients out to dinner, making him return home much later. if the market weren't so crappy, we'd move a train stop or two closer, but no one would pay what we bought for our house, let alone compensate for the remodeling we've done. hopefully after a few weeks of doing this, he'll adjust and not have to go to bed at 10...in the meantime, this blows.

            #6 DreaW

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              Posted 30 June 2008 - 11:28 PM

              i'm sorry Lauren, that happened to Erik and me once, actually still does a couple of times. Where he comes home and is so tired that he doesn't talk to me sometimes, rushes over to his computer to play WOW (his way of relaxing)....we're had talks (more like arguments) about this.
              We've decided to work on it. He is giving me weekends and I try to understand. Remember when you start work again you will be busy too. Right now you are on vacation and he isn't, this is what Erik says to me.

              #7 Martha

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                Posted 30 June 2008 - 11:29 PM

                Willl his work schedule change?

                Not being able to spend time with the one you love, sucks. I know that!

                Jay doesn't like when he is home and it's during the school year because I get home arond 4ish and am in bed by 8. Well, not normally, but last time he was home I was because I was SUPER tired because I was in my first trimester.

                I hope it gets better for you soon!

                #8 Jessica

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                  Posted 30 June 2008 - 11:57 PM

                  Well, it's only been two weeks. I know it sucks now, but you need to give it a little more time to adjust to the new schedule (both you and him).

                  Brian works CRAZY hours. He's a paramedic so he's at work more often than he's at home. He works as a paramedic during the nightshift (7pm - 7am)and basically works 6 days out of the week. Because of his night schedule, even when he's home during the day, he's not "here" because he's sleeping.

                  I'm pretty used to it by now so it doesn't bother me. Sometimes though we get into fights about it just because I'd like to do more stuff as a family and he's always so tired. But he does make a pretty good effort to do stuff with Aiden. Like today he only got about 4 hours of sleep between his work shifts because he went to Aiden's ped appointment with me and did some stuff around the house. I know he's tired though, so I try not to get on his case too much about it.

                  Bottomline... it's rough, but give it a little more time. Having some "me" time can be a nice thing!

                  #9 nikkianddean

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                    Posted 01 July 2008 - 12:09 AM

                    Originally Posted by lauren c.
                    hopefully after a few weeks of doing this, he'll adjust and not have to go to bed at 10...in the meantime, this blows.
                    yeah, maybe after he adjusts to the new hours he will be more fun when he gets home. In the meantime, he is probably just as upset about losing time with you because of his new schedule so don't stress too bad. Sorry you have to go thru this little patch. It will all pay off in the end.

                    It's a 3 day weekend coming up so make-up with some super QT

                    Mr. & Mrs. C
                    February 14, 2009

                    #10 Tara

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                      Posted 01 July 2008 - 01:19 AM

                      Ouch! That is a horrible situation. Hiram and I have the exact opposite situation. We work at the same place, in the same department, with the same hours and days off. We are literally together 24/7/365.

                      I never get sick of it, either. I couldn't imagine hardly seeing him or getting to spend time with him.

                      Chin up. Hopefully this is just a stopover to bigger and better things!

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