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My FI says "he is feeling trapped"...


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#81 NewOrleansbride

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    Posted 03 July 2008 - 06:20 PM

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Dez921714
    I'm also paranoid because it's more than just a wedding...people have already put down a lot of money to see us get married...
    First of all, if you are only getting married because you feel guilty about people (who obviously love you two) then it's not for the right reasons and it will only complicate things in the future.

    But, from reading your post it looks more like you are just experiencing something that I'm sure most of us have all gone through in our relationships. You both obviously love each other, sometimes life stresses you out and you need a little guidance. FI and I had one really rough patch about a year ago and we went to a counselor. I think if we had not sat down and talked about our problems there is a good chance we would not have lasted. It helped us learn how to do effectly communicate with each other. And I'm not saying it will always be perfect, you have to be realistic, but it absolutely helps guide you to make the right decisions.

    If I were you I would ask a very close friend (maybe your mom) if they know a good counselor and try that. I would do it again a million times over knowing now how much it improved our relationship.
    -Rachel

    #82 Dez921714

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      Posted 03 July 2008 - 06:29 PM

      I asked him last week to go to counseling with me...he said "I just got out of therapy, I don't want to go back".

      Before we went away for the weekend I straightend up the house...he got annoyed because he felt like I was only cleaning because of the argument and he flelt like I was walking on egg shells around him. I was cleaning because it needed to be cleaned and he was right about the egg shells, because no matter what I say, it's wrong.

      When we got home from the weekend he looked around and was like "your sister must have straighted up for us" (she was dogsitting). I explained that she didn't and I did it before we left. He didn't believe me at first, said he didn't notice.

      No matter what I do it isn't enough. I work from home, he won't be satisfied unless I put 90% effort into cleaning the house and 10% into work. He doesn't get that just because I'm home doesn't mean I'm doing nothing.

      He actually just got home, went straight upstairs...probably thought I went to the second job tonight (called out sick).
      http://ticker.7910.o....25vdCBpbiA.gif27 Confirmed with Plane Tickets...5 with rooms booked!

      150 INVITES / 6 YES / 13 NO

      #83 Dez921714

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        Posted 03 July 2008 - 06:32 PM

        For the record...I work 2 jobs, do the laundry, mow the lawn, do the dishes, cook most nights, vacuum, take care of the dogs.

        He works as a mechanic...comes home and naps...He has a "physical" job

        But I'm the one who isn't doing enough. I think I've had enough!

        I'm going to look into a therapist for myself. I need to take care of myself and my dogs. He's a big boy, he'll figure things out for himself, even if it's too late when he does.
        http://ticker.7910.o....25vdCBpbiA.gif27 Confirmed with Plane Tickets...5 with rooms booked!

        150 INVITES / 6 YES / 13 NO

        #84 NewOrleansbride

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          Posted 03 July 2008 - 06:39 PM

          I'm so sorry that you have to experience this right now! It really sucks! Everytime I'm in the dumps I always remember something that my dad told me when I was a little girl: "It doesn't matter how bad something might seem right now, it will and it does always get better." So, never forget that things will get better!
          -Rachel

          #85 tvt

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            Posted 03 July 2008 - 06:42 PM

            Oh Dez, I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. Sounds to me like you both need some alone time to figure out what each of you want.

            However, I don't agree with leaving when the going gets rough. I used to do this in the begining of my relationship with Joe. One night he says "What good is leaving going to do? What happens when we're married? You don't just leave - it doesn't solve anything, it just makes it worse" and I stood there in shock thinking OMG he's so right. Now we don't leave, and it forces us to figure things out.

            I hope you two can work through this. But be honest with yourself, and don't put yourself through this just because people have deposits down.

            #86 Yari

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              Posted 03 July 2008 - 06:53 PM

              Wow, I am just so sorry. I don't know what to say.

              I do feel like he is being selfish and you need to look out for yourself. Being married is hard and if he treats you this way before you say I do, how will he treat you afterwards?

              #87 Alyssa

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                Posted 03 July 2008 - 07:29 PM

                [quote=Dez921714;450487]For the record...I work 2 jobs, do the laundry, mow the lawn, do the dishes, cook most nights, vacuum, take care of the dogs.

                He works as a mechanic...comes home and naps...He has a "physical" job

                But I'm the one who isn't doing enough. I think I've had enough!

                I'm going to look into a therapist for myself. I need to take care of myself and my dogs. He's a big boy, he'll figure things out for himself, even if it's too late when he does.[/




                Dez,
                i am really sorry you are going through this but you need to take care of yourself. your FI is not bringing his part to the relationship, it takes 2 to make things work and take care of a home and family.
                why are you doing everything? and on top of it trying to work on the relationship, plan the wedding and beg him to take HIS meds - he is not retarded...you can NOT be responsible for that - he is a grown man.
                i am not an advocate of walking out or running away or seperating but in this case i think you may need to leave and take some time for you to see what you need and want and if he is still that after some space. also, to see what he is willing to bring to the relationship without you carrying it.

                BIG HUGS!!!
                xoxo


                #88 Sandra E.

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                  Posted 03 July 2008 - 07:57 PM

                  Wow! Dez, I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. Sounds like you definitely need to get away from each other for a while so you can both gather your thoughts. He's taking you for granted right now and not appreciating what you've done... I'm sorry. I can't believe he didn't believe you about you cleaning the house.

                  #89 JennyK

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                    Posted 03 July 2008 - 08:19 PM

                    I agree with what Alyssa said..he's not doing his part and only putting stress on you. I wish I could give you a big hug right now.. this is such a tough situation to be going through. You have to do what is right in your heart.

                    #90 KLC77

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                      Posted 03 July 2008 - 10:56 PM

                      Quote:
                      Originally Posted by Dez921714
                      For the record...I work 2 jobs, do the laundry, mow the lawn, do the dishes, cook most nights, vacuum, take care of the dogs.

                      He works as a mechanic...comes home and naps...He has a "physical" job

                      But I'm the one who isn't doing enough. I think I've had enough!

                      I'm going to look into a therapist for myself. I need to take care of myself and my dogs. He's a big boy, he'll figure things out for himself, even if it's too late when he does.
                      Dez,
                      I didn't read any of the responses after this, but I wanted to tell you that I think going to see someone yourself would really be worth while! I have dealt with some similar things in my relationship, but the difference is that my FI was more than willing to make changes so that we could be happy together- this included therapy. He went by himself and we went together. I have gone a few times by myself and found it really helpful, not only for my relationship, but in all aspects of my life. You have to put yourself first and take care of you... the rest will fall into place where it should. I know its so much easier to give advice when you are not in the situation yourself, but that's my 2 cents. I hope that things work out and whatever happens you are HAPPY! :) Who knows, maybe if you go and your FI sees it he will be willing to go with you.

                      Kelly
                      ~Kelly

                      Our Awesome Wedding Pics: http://www.delsolpho...ings/kelly&ron/




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