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My FI says "he is feeling trapped"...


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#31 ErinB

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    Posted 26 June 2008 - 12:39 PM

    I would say this is rather normal. The committment is HUGE! I freaked out all the time and did consider leaving. I proposed formal counseling but DH was against it, so we cracked open a case of beer and sat on the back porch and just let everything out.

    I do think that you might want to take a few days for a break, but address the issue first, don't just pack a bag. Tell him you think you both need some time to reflect and relax and not deal with wedding stuff. You might want to clean the house together, just so he doesn't stew aboutr it while you're apart. (Can you tell I've done this before?)

    Since you aren't getting married until Jan, is there any way the two of you can take a quite weekend away? With the holidays and the wedding being so close, you'll hear lots of comments about the wedding so I would try to get away ASAP, even if it is just locking yourself in a hotel room downtown.

    Now, if you do decide you aren't ready or don't want to get married, DON"T DO IT! There is still plenty of time to cancel. This is not the time to worry about other people's feelings, you need to focus on you. Marriage is supposed to be forever and you don't want to go into it ready to walk away. I had a little panic attack right before we left and voiced the same concerns to my mom and she told me it was never too late to walk away.

    My heart goes out to you, as well as big hugs. I know that you will make the right decision, whatever it may be. We will be here to support you, no matter what!

    #32 DanielleNDerek

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      Posted 26 June 2008 - 12:41 PM

      side note - welcome back erin!
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      #33 Yari

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        Posted 26 June 2008 - 12:54 PM

        I am so sorry you are going through this.

        Regarding the cleanliness of your home, can you hire a housekeeper...perhaps that will help.

        As for your FI feeling trapped, do you think he just says it to hurt you?

        I agree with counseling will help a lot.

        Good luck sweetie!

        #34 Dez921714

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          Posted 26 June 2008 - 12:59 PM

          Ladies, thank you for all the words. I know we need to go to some kind of counceling, so I'll look into that on Monday.

          A little background...FI grew up in (for lack of a better phrase) an emotionally abusive house.

          When we met, he was living in a friends basement and hadn't spoken to his dad in 8 months.

          Fast forward a little...things have worked out, he and his dad have a decent relationship now.

          Last April, FI had a break down. He was put on some meds and therapy. Well, he thought it was time to be off his meds, so he stoped taking them. I noticed the difference in him and asked then I basically told him "the meds or me" So now he's taking a half pill a day (even though he's supposed to take a whole pill). And he's stoped going to his therapist...All things which I'm sure are adding to what's going on with us.

          FI's sister got married last August. She and her then FI moved in with FMIL and FFIL in June for a year to "save money to buy a house". FFIL hasn't spoken to FSIL since Feb. He is now living in their basement and hasn't spoken to FMIL in 3 weeks.

          This situation is bothering FI as FMIL and FSIL will ask Chris about his dad and vent and stuff. So I think to some degree he's taking that stress out on me.
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          #35 DanielleNDerek

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            Posted 26 June 2008 - 01:05 PM

            Wow he's got a lot of stuff going on. It sounds like this is not the right time for him to stop seeing a therapist, it sounds like this is when you need one the most.

            And your a great fi helping him get through everything.

            I think you should try to sitdown with him and let him know you feel for his situation and that you are willing to be there for him. But it's not fair for him to tell you he feels trapped, he needs to explain himself a little to you.
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            #36 Celina

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              Posted 26 June 2008 - 01:52 PM

              Oh Dez, I am so sorry this is going on now.

              The only advice I have for you is to (forgive me if I sound harsh) - no more wedding talk with him. FI sounds like he needs some you and him time. Focus your energy on being a little more attentive to him. He really sounds like he has a lot on his plate (not that you don't) - but with his prior issues, he needs it more kwim?

              I would also make sure he got back in with his therapist - pronto! Is there another type of med that he can take?

              I am so sorry you guys are going through this. ALSO - LAY OFF THAT DIET FOR A FEW DAYS - You guys have done great - treat yourselves to a nice dinner and then go back into a low cal lifestyle. You deserve it.

              We will be here for you when you want to talk wedding - Get him to a more stable place. I know with us, I am wedding, wedding, wedding and things seem to go so fast that for for the men it can be a bit overwhelming.
              "Love is not who you live with...it's who you can't live without"

              #37 Dez921714

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                Posted 26 June 2008 - 02:08 PM

                We've been off the diet this week...he wants to go back on next week.

                One of our big issues is (sorry if this is TMI) our sex life...I've literally put on 100lbs since we met...so I'm not exactly the same as I was...he's put a lot on too and it's the same for him. So to some degree the diet has helped and we were able to do it together.

                He takes it personally when I say "no"...I'm working 2 jobs, trying to plan a wedding on my own and coordinate people who need help booking their flights, I'm helping otu my older neighbor who's alone and her even older dad is in the hospital, I'm taking care of the dogs, paying the bill and doing what I can around the house. He thinks that because I work from home I have all the time in the world and the house should be spotless.

                Looking up therapists now...
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                #38 Maura

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                Posted 26 June 2008 - 02:10 PM

                not to pry, but putting on 100 pounds is a lot -- have you gotten checked out at your doctor to make sure there's not an underlying health reason this has happened?

                #39 Dez921714

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                  Posted 26 June 2008 - 02:14 PM

                  I had lost over 70lbs before we met and was the thinnest I've ever been...so while putting on 100lbs is a lot, it's just like putting back on the weight I had lost and then a little more. My eating habbits just went back to being bad. I've been checked for health reasons for my weight my whole life. They never found any.
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                  #40 Dez921714

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                    Posted 26 June 2008 - 02:15 PM

                    But I am embarassed and I am uncomfortable and he doesn't seem to get it
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