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My FI says "he is feeling trapped"...


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#141 Martha

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    Posted 06 July 2008 - 11:54 PM

    Dez, I have been thinking about you today. I hope you are doing well!

    #142 JennyK

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      Posted 07 July 2008 - 08:13 AM

      I haven't been around the last few days but I hope you are doing better.. *hug*

      #143 Dez921714

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        Posted 07 July 2008 - 08:26 AM

        Hi all. Sorry I didn't get a chance to get on here, but I wanted to update you.

        I came home Sat morning, got myself and the dogs unpacked adn then FI and I went to breakfast. Then we came home and he was looking up Fios online to see what we'll get when it's installed and stuff. He also sent an inquiry to a company to get an estimate on decking the rest of our back yard.

        I went to work and ended up working 2-11 insead of 2-6, but it's good since I missed a shift Thursday. I called him on my break and told him I was having a chocolate bar for dinner since I left all my cards and cash home. He said he was running out to get s omething for dinner (probably fast food) and he'd make me come home to find dinner, he'd cook something from the freezer. When I got home he was grilling chicken, had he table in the yard dried off with candles and wine glasses (mind you, this is at 11pm). I ask him "what's all this for?" his answer is "you know what it's for". I know he has a hard time saying "I'm sorry" and that's his way. Dinner was good.

        Yesterday he got up and went fishing with his dad. I suggested we go to my parents for dinner, but he didn't like that idea. I asked if he's ever going to go back there and he said yes but not right now. Apparently he's embarassed and stuff...you don't get embarassed if you honestly don't t hink you've done anything wrong.

        So he went fishing and I went to my parents for a little while since my sister left to go to Greece yesterday.

        We both get home around 3 and he asks me how to access our registry on bed bath and beyond. So I tell him what to do and give him the password and he asks if it's ok to add some stuff and he wants my opinions on it. So we add some things like a mysting fan and a cooler and some other stuff for the back yard. And he tells me he figures a three month windo to have the deck built.

        I don't think this is a normal way for a man to act when two days ago he wanted out....

        I know he's afraid of turning into his father. Wheather he'll admit it or not, he was upset I left. At breakfast on Saturday, his eyes were all red and puffy. It was the first time in the 4 years we've been togther that I left. And I think it really bothered him that I took the dogs and all their stuff. I told him I left because he wanted space. He claimed to not have said that and I explained that one week telling me he feels traped and the next week screaming that he wants nothing to do with me, the dogs and the house all but says he needs space. He agreeded.

        He doesn't know I told his sister. A few weeks ago we were all talking and she was saying how they fight in their family. They scream and yell and say what they need to say (even if it's mean) and then a little while later they're fine. I looked at her and told her that that's not normal and it's not ok, you need to think about what you say as most people don't just get over things. She said she knows and her husband says the same thing. But if they grew up watching their parents fight like that, then it is understandable that they fight like that.

        I am still going to call the therapist for me. And I think I am going to tell FI that if he ever say he wants out again, not to expect me to come back, so to think before he talks.

        Thanks for all your support! I really do apprecite it!!!
        http://ticker.7910.o....25vdCBpbiA.gif27 Confirmed with Plane Tickets...5 with rooms booked!

        150 INVITES / 6 YES / 13 NO

        #144 TammyB

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          Posted 07 July 2008 - 08:32 AM

          Well I'm glad that is sounds like you two are working it out. I hope he decides to go to tharapy, sounds like he has a past he needs to work though. Good luck and I hope you two continue to grow together.

          #145 cessyboston

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            Posted 07 July 2008 - 08:37 AM

            big hugs...deep breath and you said t perfect do this for yourself go to therepy and get you better and everything will fall into place for YOU....
            Married oct 10th 2008 ~ proud parents to Miss Sophia Emma feb 2, 2010

            #146 Alyssa

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              Posted 07 July 2008 - 08:51 AM

              Dez,

              I definitely encourage you to go to Therapy and eventually go together with your FI - you can learn new ways of communication so that you don't create a household where there is yelling and silence and mind reading - you deserve an apology and right now your FI isn't capable of communicating openly and honestly...while I do think it was sweet of him to cook and set up the candles you shouldn't have to be a mind reader and say things like "i know he is sorry" "that's his way of apologizing".

              Write these kinds of things down so you can work on them in Therapy - I also say would you be OK with your kids being treated that way? KWIM?

              Anyway, all of these things can change and be worked on as long as you both are willing... I REALLY, REALLY hope he follows your lead back to therapy and you guys wind up in couples counseling and happily married down the line!

              Alyssa
              xoxo


              Quote:
              Originally Posted by Dez921714
              Hi all. Sorry I didn't get a chance to get on here, but I wanted to update you.

              I came home Sat morning, got myself and the dogs unpacked adn then FI and I went to breakfast. Then we came home and he was looking up Fios online to see what we'll get when it's installed and stuff. He also sent an inquiry to a company to get an estimate on decking the rest of our back yard.

              I went to work and ended up working 2-11 insead of 2-6, but it's good since I missed a shift Thursday. I called him on my break and told him I was having a chocolate bar for dinner since I left all my cards and cash home. He said he was running out to get s omething for dinner (probably fast food) and he'd make me come home to find dinner, he'd cook something from the freezer. When I got home he was grilling chicken, had he table in the yard dried off with candles and wine glasses (mind you, this is at 11pm). I ask him "what's all this for?" his answer is "you know what it's for". I know he has a hard time saying "I'm sorry" and that's his way. Dinner was good.

              Yesterday he got up and went fishing with his dad. I suggested we go to my parents for dinner, but he didn't like that idea. I asked if he's ever going to go back there and he said yes but not right now. Apparently he's embarassed and stuff...you don't get embarassed if you honestly don't t hink you've done anything wrong.

              So he went fishing and I went to my parents for a little while since my sister left to go to Greece yesterday.

              We both get home around 3 and he asks me how to access our registry on bed bath and beyond. So I tell him what to do and give him the password and he asks if it's ok to add some stuff and he wants my opinions on it. So we add some things like a mysting fan and a cooler and some other stuff for the back yard. And he tells me he figures a three month windo to have the deck built.

              I don't think this is a normal way for a man to act when two days ago he wanted out....

              I know he's afraid of turning into his father. Wheather he'll admit it or not, he was upset I left. At breakfast on Saturday, his eyes were all red and puffy. It was the first time in the 4 years we've been togther that I left. And I think it really bothered him that I took the dogs and all their stuff. I told him I left because he wanted space. He claimed to not have said that and I explained that one week telling me he feels traped and the next week screaming that he wants nothing to do with me, the dogs and the house all but says he needs space. He agreeded.

              He doesn't know I told his sister. A few weeks ago we were all talking and she was saying how they fight in their family. They scream and yell and say what they need to say (even if it's mean) and then a little while later they're fine. I looked at her and told her that that's not normal and it's not ok, you need to think about what you say as most people don't just get over things. She said she knows and her husband says the same thing. But if they grew up watching their parents fight like that, then it is understandable that they fight like that.

              I am still going to call the therapist for me. And I think I am going to tell FI that if he ever say he wants out again, not to expect me to come back, so to think before he talks.

              Thanks for all your support! I really do apprecite it!!!


              #147 Celina

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                Posted 07 July 2008 - 09:01 AM

                Hi Dez,

                You have been on my mind since Saturday. I am glad that you guys are trying to work things out, and it is wonderful that you are heading in the direction of therapy. I like what Alyssa said that "would you want your kids to be treated this way"?

                It's funny, but that is how I see things most of the time. If someone were treating my daughter like this what would I do?

                You are a wonderful person and deserve to be treated as such!
                "Love is not who you live with...it's who you can't live without"

                #148 twinkletoes

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                  Posted 07 July 2008 - 09:26 AM

                  I'm a little late chiming in, but I have just read through this entire thread. So with all the good advice from everyone else, there is nothing more I would add. Just wanted to let you know we are all here for you and I hope everything works out for the best.
                  2 Hearts, 1 Love 08.08.08Punta Cana, D.R.

                  #149 Amarillis

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                    Posted 07 July 2008 - 09:47 AM

                    Oh Dez,

                    I am so happy that things are on the upswing for you.

                    I will echo what the other ladies have said, - counselling is a fantastic idea - you'll learn more about yourself than you ever thought possible.

                    Big Hugs...

                    #150 Nrvsbride

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                      Posted 07 July 2008 - 09:57 AM

                      Hey Dez, I'm glad you guys made up and I hope that you will both be able to work things out. Hopefully he will realize that if he's upset he needs to talk to you about it instead of threatening to leave the relationship. I wish you both the best.




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