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My FI says "he is feeling trapped"...


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#121 Dez921714

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    Posted 05 July 2008 - 09:54 AM

    Ok. I know everyone said "stay away" but of course I didn't listen. I came back this morning.

    FI was here sleeping on the couch and I asked him straight out if this is happening because he doesn't want to get married or he doesn't want to marry me. He said no, that's not the case.

    So I made a list of every room in the house and every chore that needs to be done. I assigned them to both of us. Probably a little more to me, but I am home more often.

    I told him to give me a week or two to get my chores in order.

    I asked him if he wants to look over the list, he said "not right now" he's still sleeping.

    On a side note, the girls are glad to be home, but I don't think either one of them went up to him...

    I know you probably think I'm dumb for coming back and I probably am.

    I am going to call a therapist/social worker Monday. I don't have insurance, but he works on a sliding scale with your income if you don't have insurance or he doesn't take it. And really, I think I could use it, so I don't mind spending the money.
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    #122 Maura

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    Posted 05 July 2008 - 10:13 AM

    alright before you read my responses, know this is coming from a place of care and experience. you NEED to do what is best for YOU.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Dez921714
    Just had a really bad phone call and he's livid that I'm at my parents because now they know and are "involved"
    first, where the fuck else were you supposed to go? you share a home with him, he blew up at you telling he "cant live like this anymore" with you, with the dogs, etc etc. your parents are the people you should always be able to lean on through tough points in your life. your parents (if you end up marrying him) are going to be his in-laws. they are going to be all up in your business and know almost everything there is to know about your relationship because that is how in-laws are.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Dez921714
    I just got off teh phone with him. We went around in circles about a lot of stuff. I suggested a few times that we sit down and make a list of house chores together and split them up. He didn't like this idea, he doesn't like the idea of therapy, he's upset because I had to go and "drag" other people in (and my mom can be nosey). He's upset because I took the dogs, and the router.

    He doesn't know when he said he needed space...so I explained that saying he felt "trapped" last week and the last night telling me he wants nothing to do with me, the dogs, the house is all but saying you need space.

    He said he came home last night because he pays the mortgage too, so why should he have to go sleep at someone elses house.

    He basically told me to come home if I want to and not to if I don't want to.

    Am I just prolonging the inevadable?
    of course he doesnt like splitting up the house chores -- he doesnt want to do ANY and expects YOU to do them ALL! of course he doesnt like the idea of therapy - because then he would have to actually face his problems! you didnt drag other people into the situation - he verbally forced you out of your home (whether or not either of you realizes it) by creating a hostile emotional environment. he's upset because you took the dogs? wtf, didnt he just say the other day he hates the dogs and theyre too much and he can't live with them
    Ok. I won't answer his calls or call him back (I actually called him the second time). I just hate fighting and not talking. He was like "stay away as long as you want, I'll just get more and more comfy here by myself".

    The thing is, I don't want to be away and having the dogs at my parents is a HUGE hassell...

    Why the F couldn't he have these issues BEFORE he asked me to marry him - or in the year and a half we've been engaged. He has to wait until 6 months before our wedding to "not want to live like this anymore".
    DO NOT, i repeat, DO NOT answer his phone calls for a couple days. EVEN MORE, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES CALL HIM. he is an asshole - "stay away as long as you want, I'll just get more comfy here by myself" are you FUCKING kidding? did you read that over as you typed it, because if you did, surely you realized how sick and fucked up that is for him to say.

    please know that if you cancel your wedding, your friends and family who have already booked WILL UNDERSTAND. they want more for you than to be emotionally abused in a marriage, they love you and want what is best for you. and so do all your friends here - honey, you really need to open your eyes in this situation. you have tried everything rational that there is (talking calmly with him, suggesting divvying up household responsibilities, suggesting therapy, etc) and he has refused to take part in any of those things. he is thereby refusing to take part in a PARTNERSHIP. a marriage is a partnership. is this the kind of partner you want for the rest of your life?

    #123 Dez921714

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      Posted 05 July 2008 - 10:22 AM

      Quote:
      Originally Posted by Maura
      alright before you read my responses, know this is coming from a place of care and experience. you NEED to do what is best for YOU.


      first, where the fuck else were you supposed to go? you share a home with him, he blew up at you telling he "cant live like this anymore" with you, with the dogs, etc etc. your parents are the people you should always be able to lean on through tough points in your life. your parents (if you end up marrying him) are going to be his in-laws. they are going to be all up in your business and know almost everything there is to know about your relationship because that is how in-laws are.


      of course he doesnt like splitting up the house chores -- he doesnt want to do ANY and expects YOU to do them ALL! of course he doesnt like the idea of therapy - because then he would have to actually face his problems! you didnt drag other people into the situation - he verbally forced you out of your home (whether or not either of you realizes it) by creating a hostile emotional environment. he's upset because you took the dogs? wtf, didnt he just say the other day he hates the dogs and theyre too much and he can't live with them make up your fucking mind!!!! the router? seriously? mad about that? that just shows how totally ridiculous he is being. if he wants internet that bad, plug the fucking computer into the wall for christ's sake. sure, he pays the mortgage, but SO DO YOU.

      he is being incredibly manipulative telling you to "come home if you want to and not to if you dont want to" - are you not seeing how poorly this man is treating you? do you not recognize that he is manipulating you - making it look like it is YOUR choice and YOUR fault if you dont come home, just so he can blame you for the demise of your relationship, should it ultimately fail? yes, i'm sorry to say so, but i think you are absolutely prolonging the inevitable. if this is how he treats you as his fiancee, how do you think he is going to treat you as his wife for the rest of your life? getting married is not going to instantaneously solve all his issues and the problems in your relationship. if anything its going to magnify them - when you are married, are you going to just leave and go to your parents everytime you guys have a fight like this? is that what you really want for yourself? you deserve love & respect from a relationship that is going to result in marriage, and you, dear, are getting neither of those things right now.



      DO NOT, i repeat, DO NOT answer his phone calls for a couple days. EVEN MORE, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES CALL HIM. he is an asshole - "stay away as long as you want, I'll just get more comfy here by myself" are you FUCKING kidding? did you read that over as you typed it, because if you did, surely you realized how sick and fucked up that is for him to say.

      please know that if you cancel your wedding, your friends and family who have already booked WILL UNDERSTAND. they want more for you than to be emotionally abused in a marriage, they love you and want what is best for you. and so do all your friends here - honey, you really need to open your eyes in this situation. you have tried everything rational that there is (talking calmly with him, suggesting divvying up household responsibilities, suggesting therapy, etc) and he has refused to take part in any of those things. he is thereby refusing to take part in a PARTNERSHIP. a marriage is a partnership. is this the kind of partner you want for the rest of your life?
      I do agree with everything you've said. And I do see how he's treating me. And I know that if I was ANY of my friends I'd be telling them to get the hell out now. Which I am seriously considering and the reson I'm going to talk to a therapist.

      He has a lot of issues stemming from when he was a kid. I know it doesn't make things right or ok, but that's why he can't understand how I'd run to my overbearing nosey parents. Because his family isn't supportive the same way mine is.

      Before I left my parents made it VERY clear that I am welcome there anytime, dogs and all. My friend in PA also told us we have a standing open invitation and even told me where her spare key is.
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      #124 Celina

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        Posted 05 July 2008 - 10:47 AM

        Dez,
        From our chat here on the forum you seem to be a sweet, nice, giving person. I know you love this man, that part is clear. HOWEVER...IMO the relationship seems to be one sided. Your FI has A LOT of baggage and at some point he has to deal with his baggage before you can move on. Your relationship seems to be you being his caregiver and emotional doormat and he refuses to accept responsibility for his actions.

        He needs to deal with HIS past - it's HIS past sweetie - not yours. You shouldn't be the only one who is working so hard on holding things together. I've been in your shoes. I'm sorry for saying this and you may not like it but unless and until HE gets some help, your relationship is doomed.

        You will continue to argue in circles because he doesn't see that what he is doing is wrong and you being the kind and giving person that you are will continue to do what you can to make him happy - when for him that still won't be enough.

        Dez,he is a grown ass man. You are not his mother - you are his fiance - his partner. You are equals and should be each others support. You deserve a man who is going to be strong for you and someone you can lean on and be happy with. It's one thing to be supportive of someone who actually sees that you are being supportive, however he is not reciprocating your efforts. Dez, you are wasting your time and efforts and deserve SO MUCH BETTER!

        I hope he gets some help and embraces his past and accepts it as it is and understands that his past should not predict his future. I also hope he realizes that he has an amazing woman who is enduring the fallout from his past and it isn't fair and it is not right because SHE DOES NOT DESERVE IT!!
        "Love is not who you live with...it's who you can't live without"

        #125 Mandy

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          Posted 05 July 2008 - 10:48 AM

          If divorce was not an option, ever, would you still marry this man? If not, don't do it. You've only set yourself up to fail. Even if you still love him now, it WILL fade, and then you're only left with the emotional abuse you've been describing. Once the feelings of love leave, you will be miserable. I know it's hard to get out while you still have these feelings (or even the memory of these feelings), but you have to try to think ahead a little. In my limited experience, marriage is hard even when you're completely committed to each other. I can't imagine going through it with someone who I thought even once didn't love me completely.

          We're all here for you, no matter what you decide.

          #126 Martha

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            Posted 05 July 2008 - 10:54 AM

            IMO, he is acting like a kid.

            I am so sorry, but if I left Jay last night and came home this morning, if he really missed me, his ass would have been off that couch and hugging me, no matter how tired he was!

            Dez, I am so sorry, and I have no words of wisdom, and I can't say it was a bad thing to go home, because I don't know what I would do if I where in your situation...no one does. It's really easy for us to give you advice, but until we are in your shoes, we really just don't know.

            I hope things get better for you and if not, please think of yourself first.

            #127 Sandra E.

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              Posted 05 July 2008 - 10:56 AM

              Dez, I gotta agree with Maura, he's not wanting to take any of the blame and he's putting all the weight on you. I'm glad you're talking to a therapist.

              #128 Hartyt509

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                Posted 05 July 2008 - 11:19 AM

                Dez I know exactly where you are coming from and how you feel I did that 2 but honestly it takes 2 to tango and if he doesn't sort himself out you are going to end up bloody miserable, yes even more than now!!

                I hope it works out for you I really do and I hope the therapy helps 2 but please I am begging you - really really really think about this BEFORE you marry him it took me 5 very painful years to get rid of my last arsehole!!

                #129 Alyssa

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                  Posted 05 July 2008 - 11:33 AM

                  [quote=SoontobeMrsE;451594
                  Dez,he is a grown ass man. You are not his mother - you are his fiance - his partner. You are equals and should be each others support. You deserve a man who is going to be strong for you and someone you can lean on and be happy with. It's one thing to be supportive of someone who actually sees that you are being supportive, however he is not reciprocating your efforts. Dez, you are wasting your time and efforts and deserve SO MUCH BETTER!
                  [/quote]

                  i couldn't say it better myself. Dez, i do not think you are stupid for going back, it is your home as well and i am glad you are going to go to therapy. just be honest with yourself about where this relationship is TODAY and where it is going. IMHO i think you should tell you TA not to book anymore friends and family b/c things are really up in the air and clearly need some work - even if you work out all of these issues, it is going to take some time and jumping into marriage when things in the relationship are not stable is never healthy KWIM?

                  #130 NewOrleansbride

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                    Posted 05 July 2008 - 01:21 PM

                    I think it's great that you are going to do whatever you have to to talk to a therapist. It really can help your situation. I am happy that you comfortably home again and truly hope you two can work through these problems.

                    I was thinking about you the other night, and I apologize if this has already been said, but if he had family issues when he was a child he probably has fears that his marriage will be like his parents and that he may turn out to be like his father. That's a lot of weight to carry. If that is one of the biggest issues, because you keep mentioning his childhood, maybe he needs constant reaffirmation that he is not his father and he is the man that he chooses to be. He probably has major insecurities stemming from his family.

                    As far as the cleaning issue - I think we all struggle with this. Thomas is not a cleaner, neither am I. But, I have learned to live with him leaving his crap laying around the house and I pick up after him. He does help, a little, with the cleaning, but honestly I'm never satisfied with how good he cleans things so I usually do it myself anyway. And, I've come to terms with the fact that cleaning the house will probably always be my responsibility. But, he does other stuff around the house (he completely takes care of the yard, and maintaining the exterior). So, it's a give and take. It might not ever be completely equal, but it's something that you two have to agree on. I think it's great that you two are coming up with a list of chores to be split equally. I think that's definitely a step in the right direction.
                    -Rachel




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