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My FI says "he is feeling trapped"...


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#111 Dez921714

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    Posted 05 July 2008 - 12:11 AM

    Just had a really bad phone call and he's livid that I'm at my parents because now they know and are "involved"
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    #112 kevsgirl

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      Posted 05 July 2008 - 12:22 AM

      Quote:
      Originally Posted by Dez921714
      Just had a really bad phone call and he's livid that I'm at my parents because now they know and are "involved"
      If he's angry that they know, that shows that he knows he's being an ass.
      You shouldn't have to have secrets about how he's treating you. That's a red flag right there.
      My friend's ex used to always say it's none of anyone's business if we're having trouble. Well, IMO that is his way of covering his ass because he knew he was being so mean to her and that no one would forgive him if they found out.

      I agree with the last post - try to stop communicating for a week or a few days. You really need time apart.

      He sounds like he's in a really bad place right now. He needs to get some help for himself and start realizing that he's responsible for his own actions and how he treats other people.

      He's being really mean to you and you deserve better.

      I'm so glad that you have your 2 babies to cuddle and kiss you. They'll get you through this.



      #113 Dez921714

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        Posted 05 July 2008 - 12:54 AM

        I just got off teh phone with him. We went around in circles about a lot of stuff. I suggested a few times that we sit down and make a list of house chores together and split them up. He didn't like this idea, he doesn't like the idea of therapy, he's upset because I had to go and "drag" other people in (and my mom can be nosey). He's upset because I took the dogs, and the router.

        He doesn't know when he said he needed space...so I explained that saying he felt "trapped" last week and the last night telling me he wants nothing to do with me, the dogs, the house is all but saying you need space.

        He said he came home last night because he pays the mortgage too, so why should he have to go sleep at someone elses house.

        He basically told me to come home if I want to and not to if I don't want to.

        Am I just prolonging the inevadable?
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        150 INVITES / 6 YES / 13 NO

        #114 EricaG

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          Posted 05 July 2008 - 01:01 AM

          Okay, you definately need to stop answering the phone now. He is trying to manipulate you through the phone now. Trust me on this. I have been there. If he calls back again, either don't answer it, or just tell him that you are going to take a few days to think things through and you suggest he do the same, and while you are thinking, you will not be answering the phone and taking his calls. Then get off the phone! Otherwise it will just keep going in circles. You both need time to clam down and figure things out yourselves before you can figure things out together and have a rational conversation.

          TRUST ME!!!
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          #115 Dez921714

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            Posted 05 July 2008 - 01:08 AM

            Ok. I won't answer his calls or call him back (I actually called him the second time). I just hate fighting and not talking. He was like "stay away as long as you want, I'll just get more and more comfy here by myself".

            The thing is, I don't want to be away and having the dogs at my parents is a HUGE hassell...

            Why the F couldn't he have these issues BEFORE he asked me to marry him - or in the year and a half we've been engaged. He has to wait until 6 months before our wedding to "not want to live like this anymore".
            http://ticker.7910.o....25vdCBpbiA.gif27 Confirmed with Plane Tickets...5 with rooms booked!

            150 INVITES / 6 YES / 13 NO

            #116 EricaG

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              Posted 05 July 2008 - 01:25 AM

              It is hard to ingore the phone calls, and to not call him, but you have to fight the urge. After things simmer down, you will be glad that you were able to have that time to yourself rather than fighting on the phone and getting no where.
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              #117 roo66

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                Posted 05 July 2008 - 06:22 AM

                hi just on a practical note here.on the tidy issue have a good tidy upwhilst hes out and then spend twenty minuites before you go to work clearing away wiping down etc and ten mins before bed washing the last cups etc.and you will have it cracked.i know its not easy but its a simple solution to the tidy issue.try not to verbalize your wedding with him and do the dating thing im sure you will be fine hang on in there smile and be the person he first met.enjoy your weekend awayx

                #118 Hartyt509

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                  Posted 05 July 2008 - 06:23 AM

                  I've been there 2 and you have to just not talk to him. If you do he will do his best to manipulate you and then when you go back will turn it round into I didn't ask you back YOU came back.

                  My ex was a mechanic and i'm sure he had bipolar one min he would be happy and a good laugh the next a nasty get. I think its part of the job description!! He was also a lazy arse who thought everthing should be done for him!

                  You aren't alone we all have the same just to varying degrees. He knows he's being an arse or he wouldn't ring and the thing about checking about the dogs is bollox and he knows it

                  Let him stew on it, but YOU need to make a decision on what YOU want - leave him out of it. I know you love him but is it what you want for the rest of your life? Is he gonna do this everytime he falls off his meds? He's a big boy in control of his own life.

                  Think of YOU!! sod the worrying about other people and what they have paid etc. The question is do YOU want this? If the answer is no then do what you need to do.

                  You know we are all here to back you up, pity I live so far away I could have come and brayed him for you

                  I just said to FI - as he was leaving!! lol - listen to this poor lass and gave him v brief highlights, his answer was "he's acting like a dickhead and he is probably gonna lose the best thing that ever happened to him" and that is from another obnoxious git lol So you see its not just women that are thinking that chick xx

                  #119 roo66

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                    Posted 05 July 2008 - 06:25 AM

                    hi sorry missed the last few posts .everyone is right you need time.spending time out wont hurt hang on in there.x

                    #120 kevsgirl

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                      Posted 05 July 2008 - 09:29 AM

                      Quote:
                      Originally Posted by Dez921714
                      Ok. I won't answer his calls or call him back (I actually called him the second time). I just hate fighting and not talking. He was like "stay away as long as you want, I'll just get more and more comfy here by myself".
                      Unfortunately, sometimes it's the onlly way. I hate going to bed angry too, but sometimes when someone's so wound up, you really do need a breather. This is your lives you're talking about. It's not a quick decision. And taking the time apart shows that.

                      Quote:
                      Originally Posted by Dez921714
                      The thing is, I don't want to be away and having the dogs at my parents is a HUGE hassell...
                      Is there somewhere else you can stay or can you give him one of the dogs for now? I know it's a PITA, but you can't use this as an excuse to go back there.

                      Quote:
                      Originally Posted by Dez921714
                      Why the F couldn't he have these issues BEFORE he asked me to marry him - or in the year and a half we've been engaged. He has to wait until 6 months before our wedding to "not want to live like this anymore".
                      Yep, he's an ass. My ex FI we were together 5 years. Broke up several times and then finally got back together the last time, after about 3 months got engaged and IMO it was the best year ever. Turns out that the whole year we were engaged, he secretly was having major problems. He was scared to tell me though, because he knew he'd F'd up so many times in the past. I didn't find out until nearly 7 months after he'd asked me to marry him. The little prat. We went to counselling for ONE MONTH and then he said it wouldn't work. It was a bit drawn out (about 3 months of breaking up) and finally that was it. I walked away. I couldn't handle off and on anymore.
                      It's easy to hate him for that whole year, but it was my decision to get back togehter with him and to trust that he wanted to marry me.

                      I'm sure your FI really does love you and want to be with you, but sometimes that's not enough.
                      It sounds like he's fed up. It might just be the end of the line for him. If it is, you need to get him to fess up, because he's messing with your life too and that's not fair.

                      Here's hoping that this is just a bump and he gets through it and realizes what he's doing...




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