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Remembering FI Mom . . .


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#11 luvtoteachlaw

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    Posted 13 June 2008 - 10:40 PM

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Kat81
    I hope this doesn't come across horrible and mean but I wouldn't care what stepmom thinks about it. I would have your dance and not do a mother son type dance. I have only been to a few weddings that actually did that anyway. As for remembering his mother I kind of like the idea of a mini picture of his mom maybe on your bouquet and his boutinere? Stepmom can get the heck over it. That is is mother and she is never going to change the fact that he loves and misses her very much.
    Oh, when it comes down to it, I really don't care if I upset the stepmom; the only concern there is how she would overract and upset Steve's dad. But I know I can't control her or her behavior, so I will just end of doing what I want anyway.

    One of the reasons on our list of why we want to do a destination wedding is so that she doesn't invite all her high maintenance friends to the wedding. If we got married here in the states, I can only imagine she would have a guest list of probably 100 people, including the vet and her manicurist! :)

    #12 luvtoteachlaw

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      Posted 13 June 2008 - 10:48 PM

      Quote:
      Originally Posted by Kryztan
      I think there is someone here that makes them
      Oh that would be fantastic! If someone can direct me to that person, I would be grateful.

      Would this be something to consult Steve on, or could I have it made and give it to him at the wedding? Knowing him, he would not object to having this done, and would really appreciate it. Are there any pitfalls that I am not seeing??

      #13 Princess402

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        Posted 14 June 2008 - 11:47 AM

        Quote:
        Originally Posted by luvtoteachlaw
        Oh that would be fantastic! If someone can direct me to that person, I would be grateful.

        Would this be something to consult Steve on, or could I have it made and give it to him at the wedding? Knowing him, he would not object to having this done, and would really appreciate it. Are there any pitfalls that I am not seeing??
        I know that I got the idea for the bouquet pic from a thread on here, but then I thought hey if I am going to have a pic of my dad on my bouquet then maybe he could have a pic of his mom with his bout somehow? I'll see if I can search and find that original thread.

        Personally, I am going to tell FI about the idea beforehand bc I think he might, which touched, be a little mad if I spring it on him at the last minute. I also think it might give him time to modify the idea if he doesn't quite like what I proposed. The only downfall I can see is that while my dad's pic will be hanging from the stem of my bouquet, FI's moms pic would be right there front and centre on his chest. I don't want people to see it and give him the whole "oh poor you, your mom isn't here" look, which is only natural I know, but I think that would be upsetting on our wedding day. So I am just going to make sure that it's small, or as I mentioned earlier maybe like in his pocket in a nice locket or something... I'm just not quite sure yet.

        #14 Princess402

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          Posted 14 June 2008 - 11:57 AM

          Found it!

          Here's where I got the idea: http://bestdestinati...com/forum/t3311

          #15 Davematthews16

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            Posted 14 June 2008 - 12:01 PM

            Quote:
            Originally Posted by luvtoteachlaw
            I have read a few of the threads that offer suggestions for remembering a deceased parent; howevever, I am not sure of how those suggestions would play out in my situation.

            My Fiancee's mom died after battling terminal cancer. She died one week before his 12th birthday. Even though it has been 25 years, it is still very difficult for him. He has said that every happy event in his life has been tempered by the fact that she isn't there to celebrate with him. So it is very important to do something to reccognize her during our special day.

            HOWEVER, Steve's dad remarried only one year after his mother passed away (can you say . . . issues!!). As you can imagine, stepmother is not exactly close to my fiancee, Steve. While they "get along" now, it is never easy when things about his mom pop up. Stepmom also has control issues.

            I certainly don't want to piss off stepmom, but I do want to do something special for Steve's mom. And there are traditions that I am unsure how to navigate with the given situation. For example, I do want to have a dance with my dad at the wedding, and I know that the groom usually dances with his mom around that same time. Well, that isn't gonna happen with stepmom.

            Does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle this kind of situation? It's a bit hard because I am not the one who has suffered the loss; he is the one who has suffered. I would like to make some suggestions to him, and would appreciate any things to pass on to him!
            He could wear a tiny picture of her on his boutinere (spelled wrong sorry) They have these little charm pictures at Michaels in the wedding section for $2.99 for 2. That way it's small, close to his heart, and as far as the step-mom, no offense, but she's a complete WITCH if she doesn't understand that that is the woman who gave birth to him and she'll ALWAYS be his mom in life and in death. Step-mom would be the last of my worries...Good luck :)

            #16 Jen_S

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              Posted 14 June 2008 - 11:36 PM

              My dad passed away 2 years ago. I would still like FI to dance with his mom if he wants so I thought that then I will dance with my 3 bros and my mom to we are family or something energizing to get the party started and so people do not get upset that my dad is not there.
              Our Honeymoon In Ireland!!

              #17 Hartyt509

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                Posted 15 June 2008 - 03:54 AM

                I think its difficult to get the balance right.

                My mum died 8 years ago from kidney failure and I have very little family left most have died. My dad lives on the otherside of the world and won't be able to make it and in truth he would be miserable because it just isn't his thing. We were going to get married in Bali where dad lives but FMIL is a PITA and I ddin't want dad to have to deal with her lol

                FI's step dad (whom he considers to be his real dad) died just over 2 years ago from cancer and this delightful mother shacked up with someone else shit hot and has just married him! so under sufferance he is coming to the wedding! (massive fights about that lol) FI has said he doesn't want to do anything to remember him because he is in his heart and will be there anyway.

                I've got a charm bracelet and i have 3 charms to signify my mum,dad and brother (who also died) and only 3 people know about that so I'm happy.

                I think you need to discuss it with him in depth - it might be it would really upset him.

                I know what you mean about the step mum tho - I've got a FMIL who tries to be my mum and i've hit the stage of "go screw yourself" lol

                #18 luvtoteachlaw

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                  Posted 15 June 2008 - 11:46 AM

                  Quote:
                  Originally Posted by Hartyt509
                  I think its difficult to get the balance right.

                  My mum died 8 years ago from kidney failure and I have very little family left most have died. My dad lives on the otherside of the world and won't be able to make it and in truth he would be miserable because it just isn't his thing. We were going to get married in Bali where dad lives but FMIL is a PITA and I ddin't want dad to have to deal with her lol

                  FI's step dad (whom he considers to be his real dad) died just over 2 years ago from cancer and this delightful mother shacked up with someone else shit hot and has just married him! so under sufferance he is coming to the wedding! (massive fights about that lol) FI has said he doesn't want to do anything to remember him because he is in his heart and will be there anyway.

                  I've got a charm bracelet and i have 3 charms to signify my mum,dad and brother (who also died) and only 3 people know about that so I'm happy.

                  I think you need to discuss it with him in depth - it might be it would really upset him.

                  I know what you mean about the step mum tho - I've got a FMIL who tries to be my mum and i've hit the stage of "go screw yourself" lol
                  I know that I am very lucky because my parents are both still here, and married to each other (for 37 years!!). I really try to put myself in Steve's shoes, but I know there is no way I can possibly know how it feels to watch your mother fight for her life for three years and then die in your living room at age 11. He doesn't have a hard time discussing it, and I thinking talking about her helps him feel that she is still present with him.

                  However, he has stated specifically that every happy event in his life has always been tempered by feelings of sadness and loss because "the most important person isn't there". That is really why I want to do something special, and do something that makes him feel close to her, without putting the focus on loss. For me, it is hard too, although for different reasons. I know that for every special event that happens with us, like the birth of our children, will always have this "loss" component running in the background. Knowing this I want to keep the focus as positive as possible so he doesn't slide into "loss" mode.

                  We have already talked in a general sense about doing something to remember her during the ceremony, but we didn't really mention anything specific. I think leaving an empty chair with flowers on it would cause him more upset because he would look out and see the empty seat and focus on that. Putting a charm on his boutineer, close to his heart, is something he would like because it doesn't signify emptiness, like the chair, I would signify the fact that she is right there with him on this special day.

                  #19 luvtoteachlaw

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                    Posted 15 June 2008 - 11:48 AM

                    Quote:
                    Originally Posted by Princess402
                    Found it!

                    Here's where I got the idea: http://bestdestinati...com/forum/t3311
                    Thanks so much for tracking this down!

                    #20 Tracy

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                      Posted 29 June 2008 - 07:12 PM

                      thank you for this thread! My mom passed away in September and it is so strange going through this wedding planning without having her with me each step of the way. I have been looking for a way to honor her, and I just went online and ordered the little frame that attaches to the boquet, and I will also put her favorite flowers on the table where our guest book will be, along with her photo....she will be there with me in spirit, I am sure of it :)




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