| Originally Posted by Hartyt509 |
I think its difficult to get the balance right.
My mum died 8 years ago from kidney failure and I have very little family left most have died. My dad lives on the otherside of the world and won't be able to make it and in truth he would be miserable because it just isn't his thing. We were going to get married in Bali where dad lives but FMIL is a PITA and I ddin't want dad to have to deal with her lol
FI's step dad (whom he considers to be his real dad) died just over 2 years ago from cancer and this delightful mother shacked up with someone else shit hot and has just married him! so under sufferance he is coming to the wedding! (massive fights about that lol) FI has said he doesn't want to do anything to remember him because he is in his heart and will be there anyway.
I've got a charm bracelet and i have 3 charms to signify my mum,dad and brother (who also died) and only 3 people know about that so I'm happy.
I think you need to discuss it with him in depth - it might be it would really upset him.
I know what you mean about the step mum tho - I've got a FMIL who tries to be my mum and i've hit the stage of "go screw yourself" lol
I know that I am very lucky because my parents are both still here, and married to each other (for 37 years!!). I really try to put myself in Steve's shoes, but I know there is no way I can possibly know how it feels to watch your mother fight for her life for three years and then die in your living room at age 11. He doesn't have a hard time discussing it, and I thinking talking about her helps him feel that she is still present with him.
However, he has stated specifically that every happy event in his life has always been tempered by feelings of sadness and loss because "the most important person isn't there". That is really why I want to do something special, and do something that makes him feel close to her, without putting the focus on loss. For me, it is hard too, although for different reasons. I know that for every special event that happens with us, like the birth of our children, will always have this "loss" component running in the background. Knowing this I want to keep the focus as positive as possible so he doesn't slide into "loss" mode.
We have already talked in a general sense about doing something to remember her during the ceremony, but we didn't really mention anything specific. I think leaving an empty chair with flowers on it would cause him more upset because he would look out and see the empty seat and focus on that. Putting a charm on his boutineer, close to his heart, is something he would like because it doesn't signify emptiness, like the chair, I would signify the fact that she is right there with him on this special day.