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luvtoteachlaw

Remembering FI Mom . . .

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I have read a few of the threads that offer suggestions for remembering a deceased parent; howevever, I am not sure of how those suggestions would play out in my situation.

 

My Fiancee's mom died after battling terminal cancer. She died one week before his 12th birthday. Even though it has been 25 years, it is still very difficult for him. He has said that every happy event in his life has been tempered by the fact that she isn't there to celebrate with him. So it is very important to do something to reccognize her during our special day.

 

HOWEVER, Steve's dad remarried only one year after his mother passed away (can you say . . . issues!!). As you can imagine, stepmother is not exactly close to my fiancee, Steve. While they "get along" now, it is never easy when things about his mom pop up. Stepmom also has control issues.

 

I certainly don't want to piss off stepmom, but I do want to do something special for Steve's mom. And there are traditions that I am unsure how to navigate with the given situation. For example, I do want to have a dance with my dad at the wedding, and I know that the groom usually dances with his mom around that same time. Well, that isn't gonna happen with stepmom.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle this kind of situation? It's a bit hard because I am not the one who has suffered the loss; he is the one who has suffered. I would like to make some suggestions to him, and would appreciate any things to pass on to him!

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I can relate to your situation. My FI lost his mom to cancer 10 years ago, just before we started dating. His dad was remarried six months later, but moved in with her and her family and left his kids in his old house to fend for themselves even earlier than that! Yeah, totally messed up. FI was only 16 with two younger brothers. And defintitely some issues with stepmother, although now we all "get along" too.

 

FI is a pretty private person and doesn't talk about his mom much (I personally think because it is too upsetting) so I don't think that he will be the one pushing to remember his mom at our wedding, but I want to. Also, I lost my dad three years ago to cancer as well and I want to do something to remember him.

 

I was thinking for us that I would have my dad's picture hanging on my bouquet and then I would put a pic of FI's mom in his front pocket or pinned to his boutineer (sp?) or something. I also really want to mention them both in my speech; thanking my mom and dad for giving me such a good example of love and making me who I am, and thanking FI's mom for raising such a wonderful son for me to have as my husband, or something like that. I want to remember them and pay tribute to them, but I also don't want to do too much and have it be another memorial service, you know?

 

As for the dancing thing, personally I think we will scrap those first dances bc I won't have a dad there and he won't have a mom. Although maybe we could do him dancing with my mom and me dancing with his dad?

I think if you and your dad want to have a special dance, maybe just do that and that's it? FI doesn't have to have a special dance with anyone if he doesn't want to. Then FI's stepmom won't be upset that FI danced with someone else or something like that. Besides, you're the bride, it's all about you anyways! Of course, if he feels like he should have a special first dance with someone then I do like the idea of maybe a grandmother or aunt that he is particularly close to.

 

Good luck with this, I know these are such hard issues.

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I hope this doesn't come across horrible and mean but I wouldn't care what stepmom thinks about it. I would have your dance and not do a mother son type dance. I have only been to a few weddings that actually did that anyway. As for remembering his mother I kind of like the idea of a mini picture of his mom maybe on your bouquet and his boutinere? Stepmom can get the heck over it. That is is mother and she is never going to change the fact that he loves and misses her very much.

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also be careful not to do too much to remember her. Often times on occasions that are already an emotional rollercoaster it could be too much for him? If he doesn't talk about her often you don't want him to have a breakdown. It happens a lot. It's like it actually hits them and the waterworks can't be turned off. Not exactly the time and place you want that to happen.

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Here's a thought for you: I lost my dad when I was 15 but still want FI to be able to dance with his mom. So I am thinking that he can dance with his mom and i'll dance with his dad (which I know isn't an option for your FI) but than I think I am going to do a seperate dance after that with my mom, my sister and a few other close friends/family members who helped me through the hard times...i am thinking friends in low places, or if it ends up being just girls than "this ones for the girls" I am not sure if your FI would feel comfortable up there dancing with a group of friends/family but just an idea!

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Quote:
Originally Posted by petunia View Post
Does he have a maternal grandmother with whom he could dance, instead?
Yes, but she is 95 (and still drives!!!!), and I don't think she will be able to handle the travel to Jamaica. But, it is a good suggestion if she can make it!!

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It may be nice to have a cancer ribbon charm dangling from your bouquet?! Kind of like a feeling of her being there! As for the dance. He could dance with your mom good thing about destination weddings is that they are not traditional

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Princess402 View Post
I can relate to your situation. My FI lost his mom to cancer 10 years ago, just before we started dating. His dad was remarried six months later, but moved in with her and her family and left his kids in his old house to fend for themselves even earlier than that! Yeah, totally messed up. FI was only 16 with two younger brothers. And defintitely some issues with stepmother, although now we all "get along" too.

FI is a pretty private person and doesn't talk about his mom much (I personally think because it is too upsetting) so I don't think that he will be the one pushing to remember his mom at our wedding, but I want to. Also, I lost my dad three years ago to cancer as well and I want to do something to remember him.

I was thinking for us that I would have my dad's picture hanging on my bouquet and then I would put a pic of FI's mom in his front pocket or pinned to his boutineer (sp?) or something. I also really want to mention them both in my speech; thanking my mom and dad for giving me such a good example of love and making me who I am, and thanking FI's mom for raising such a wonderful son for me to have as my husband, or something like that. I want to remember them and pay tribute to them, but I also don't want to do too much and have it be another memorial service, you know?

As for the dancing thing, personally I think we will scrap those first dances bc I won't have a dad there and he won't have a mom. Although maybe we could do him dancing with my mom and me dancing with his dad?
I think if you and your dad want to have a special dance, maybe just do that and that's it? FI doesn't have to have a special dance with anyone if he doesn't want to. Then FI's stepmom won't be upset that FI danced with someone else or something like that. Besides, you're the bride, it's all about you anyways! Of course, if he feels like he should have a special first dance with someone then I do like the idea of maybe a grandmother or aunt that he is particularly close to.

Good luck with this, I know these are such hard issues.
Yes, these are hard issues, and I do understand the delicate balance of emotions in "overdoing it" . . . I like the idea of having a picture of his mom pinned to his boutineer; I have heard about charms being pinned to a bouquet. I saw a picture of one, but I am not sure of how to make one or where to purchase one. Any ideas??

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