Posted 04 June 2008 - 08:44 AM
We are having a ceremony rehearsal the night before the wedding, after which I would like to have a "rehearsal dinner" for everyone that will be there. However, we do not have the money to host the event on our own. I was thinking of just telling everyone that we will be having dinner at "such and such place" and that everyone is welcome to join us. Here's the thing...how do I say basically "you can come, but we aren't paying?" I know I can't require that everyone be there...
Posted 04 June 2008 - 02:18 PM
Posted 04 June 2008 - 02:47 PM
By most standards of etiquette, it is not considered proper to expect guests to pay for their own meals.
Is this sometimes done? Yes. Does it receive a stamp of approval from
people such as Judith Martin, the famous "Miss Manners"? No. The
prevailing view is that if those who are planning a party cannot
afford to buy meals for invited guests, it is better to structure the
festivities around something other than dining out.
Here are some online references regarding similar situations:
"How Do We Tell Guests To Pay Their Own Way?
Q: My husband and I will be renewing our wedding vows for our 20th
anniversary on the beach at sunset on Waikiki... We would like to go
out to dinner after the renewal of our vows with our friends, but are
not having a reception. Everyone will order off the menu and pay for
their own dinner.
The question is, how do you tell people that will be the case? I will
probably hand-write invitations after we arrive on the island and set
up the details. I'll need to include the dinner details in the
invitation. Your help with wording would be appreciated. Thank you.
A: ...It is hard for me to advise you on the proper etiquette for
handling this issue in terms of wording the invitations since having
guests pay their own way at an event such as this would not be
considered socially correct in the first place. If a group of your
friends were to invite you out to celebrate your anniversary, they
would be expected to pay, not just for themselves, but for your
portion as well. However, when you are inviting guests to celebrate
your anniversary with you, typically the expectation is that you
intend to host the celebration.
I'm afraid that there is simply no wording suggestion I can offer for
the invitations which will conform to the standards of proper
etiquette or social correctness... to extend invitations to a
celebration in honor of such an occasion, expecting guests to pay
their own way, is not a practice which would be deemed 'socially
Even the relatively recent introduction of a "cash bar" at a
celebration is considered improper by some authorities on etiquette:
"A 'Host Bar' refers to the scenario in which the hosts of the wedding
or function will provide alcoholic beverages for their guests. This is
the opposite of a 'Cash Bar', which refers to the scenario whereby
guests are expected to pay for their own liquor consumption, a
situation which does not adhere to proper wedding etiquette. Although
having a 'Cash Bar' at a wedding is highly discouraged, today some do
I guess the question I have is what sort of invite are you sending?
The only way that I see this as possibly appropriate, is if you send all of your guests a newsletter style notice, detailing all of the events leading up to the wedding.
You could detail that the bride and groom will be having dinner at 'restaurant x' at such and such a time and that if you (as a guest) are interested please make appropriate reservations with 'restaurant x'.
This in my opinion would be appropriate, and would show that you were not on the hook for the bill. You could ask 'restaurant x' to seat all of you in the same area within the restaurant - but at separate tables, thus further solidating the fact that each table is billed unto itself.
Hope this helps!
Posted 06 June 2008 - 11:18 AM
Posted 06 June 2008 - 11:33 AM
| Originally Posted by thomastaci22 |
Wow...that was great. I know that is isn't appropriate, but just didn't know how to go about. I know that I cannot require everyone to be there for the dinner, and I wouldn't expect that even if we were picking up the tab. Maybe I will just stick to pizza at the pool! Thanks so much for your help!
I might be the only one who feels this way, but I would be offended if I got a invite that said come to the rehearsal but pay for your own dinner. Is there anyway you can do something at the Spaghetti Factory in La Jolla...it is good cheap food. Or would your FI's parents be willing to pay for the dinner?
Posted 06 June 2008 - 11:44 AM
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