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#1 thomastaci22

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    Posted 04 June 2008 - 08:44 AM

    Hey girls! So I am trying to put together an "intinerary" or a "what to expect" for the day before and the day of our wedding in San Diego. I am having some trouble coming up with the right wording though. Here is what I mean.

    We are having a ceremony rehearsal the night before the wedding, after which I would like to have a "rehearsal dinner" for everyone that will be there. However, we do not have the money to host the event on our own. I was thinking of just telling everyone that we will be having dinner at "such and such place" and that everyone is welcome to join us. Here's the thing...how do I say basically "you can come, but we aren't paying?" I know I can't require that everyone be there...

    Any suggestions?

    #2 thomastaci22

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    • 98 posts

      Posted 04 June 2008 - 01:57 PM

      Does anyone have ANY ideas to help me?

      #3 KLC77

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        Posted 04 June 2008 - 02:18 PM

        Hmmm, I don't know if I'll be of any help... I would say that it depends on who is coming to the ceremony rehearsal. Is it just your families and wedding party? If so, I would probably just tell them verbally that we were going to dinner at Restaurant X and they were welcome to join us. I wouldn't have a problem telling those people we weren't paying for dinner. If you have a larger group at the rehearsal then I would probably rely on a few key people to spread the message for me. I would stick with just telling people on this one. I think if you put it in writing people with assume its an event you are providing for them. Hope that helps a little... IDK

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        #4 Amarillis

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        • 1,913 posts

          Posted 04 June 2008 - 02:47 PM

          I read your post and understand your dilemma,


          By most standards of etiquette, it is not considered proper to expect guests to pay for their own meals.

          Is this sometimes done? Yes. Does it receive a stamp of approval from
          people such as Judith Martin, the famous "Miss Manners"? No. The
          prevailing view is that if those who are planning a party cannot
          afford to buy meals for invited guests, it is better to structure the
          festivities around something other than dining out.

          Here are some online references regarding similar situations:

          "How Do We Tell Guests To Pay Their Own Way?

          Q: My husband and I will be renewing our wedding vows for our 20th
          anniversary on the beach at sunset on Waikiki... We would like to go
          out to dinner after the renewal of our vows with our friends, but are
          not having a reception. Everyone will order off the menu and pay for
          their own dinner.

          The question is, how do you tell people that will be the case? I will
          probably hand-write invitations after we arrive on the island and set
          up the details. I'll need to include the dinner details in the
          invitation. Your help with wording would be appreciated. Thank you.


          A: ...It is hard for me to advise you on the proper etiquette for
          handling this issue in terms of wording the invitations since having
          guests pay their own way at an event such as this would not be
          considered socially correct in the first place. If a group of your
          friends were to invite you out to celebrate your anniversary, they
          would be expected to pay, not just for themselves, but for your
          portion as well. However, when you are inviting guests to celebrate
          your anniversary with you, typically the expectation is that you
          intend to host the celebration.

          I'm afraid that there is simply no wording suggestion I can offer for
          the invitations which will conform to the standards of proper
          etiquette or social correctness... to extend invitations to a
          celebration in honor of such an occasion, expecting guests to pay
          their own way, is not a practice which would be deemed 'socially

          Even the relatively recent introduction of a "cash bar" at a
          celebration is considered improper by some authorities on etiquette:

          "A 'Host Bar' refers to the scenario in which the hosts of the wedding
          or function will provide alcoholic beverages for their guests. This is
          the opposite of a 'Cash Bar', which refers to the scenario whereby
          guests are expected to pay for their own liquor consumption, a
          situation which does not adhere to proper wedding etiquette. Although
          having a 'Cash Bar' at a wedding is highly discouraged, today some do
          it nonetheless."

          I guess the question I have is what sort of invite are you sending?

          The only way that I see this as possibly appropriate, is if you send all of your guests a newsletter style notice, detailing all of the events leading up to the wedding.

          You could detail that the bride and groom will be having dinner at 'restaurant x' at such and such a time and that if you (as a guest) are interested please make appropriate reservations with 'restaurant x'.

          This in my opinion would be appropriate, and would show that you were not on the hook for the bill. You could ask 'restaurant x' to seat all of you in the same area within the restaurant - but at separate tables, thus further solidating the fact that each table is billed unto itself.

          Hope this helps!
          Good Luck!

          #5 thomastaci22

          • Newbie
          • 98 posts

            Posted 06 June 2008 - 11:18 AM

            Wow...that was great. I know that is isn't appropriate, but just didn't know how to go about. I know that I cannot require everyone to be there for the dinner, and I wouldn't expect that even if we were picking up the tab. Maybe I will just stick to pizza at the pool! Thanks so much for your help!

            #6 Yari

            • VIP Member
            • 10,928 posts

              Posted 06 June 2008 - 11:33 AM

              Originally Posted by thomastaci22
              Wow...that was great. I know that is isn't appropriate, but just didn't know how to go about. I know that I cannot require everyone to be there for the dinner, and I wouldn't expect that even if we were picking up the tab. Maybe I will just stick to pizza at the pool! Thanks so much for your help!
              I think you should stick to pizza at the pool.

              I might be the only one who feels this way, but I would be offended if I got a invite that said come to the rehearsal but pay for your own dinner. Is there anyway you can do something at the Spaghetti Factory in La Jolla...it is good cheap food. Or would your FI's parents be willing to pay for the dinner?

              #7 lucy106

              • Sr. Member
              • 2,880 posts

                Posted 06 June 2008 - 11:44 AM

                We are doing this in Cancun. We want to have a nice meal off property at Ruth's Chris (yum) and we would like anyone who can and wants to to join us so I am just being honest but in a fun way by saying something like "we would love for you all to join us but unfortunately the lottery has not come our way so if you care to join us please understand that we can not pay for your meals". May be tacky but hey honesty is the best policy right?

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