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Need Advice....BADLY


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#11 BarefootBride

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    Posted 19 May 2008 - 02:27 AM

    I agree with most everyones comments.
    1. Boundaries - That was the thing that stuck out most. You MUST set boundaries with your brother as you would do anyone else.
    2. Your happiness - If you are truly not happy with the situation and cant see anything good coming from you helping your brother then you may have to let go and find other ways to help him. Do you HAVE to let him stay at your house. I am sure that if your brother HAD to leave, he would find a place to stay unless you honestly dont believe he could take care of himself. This may be what it all boils down to. Sadly it is an option. Since it doesnt appear that way- lets go back to #1....

    His children with whatever excuses they have for terrible behavior must be controlled. You are going to have to be a "parent" as well. It is your house not your brothers and you need to have some defined rules and consequences and some achievable rewards for those kids. Every adult in that house needs to be an authority figure. You are going to have to keep those kids busy - on a schedule, with a routine that you make the kids follow everyday - in order to survive. Most dads aren't good at this but moms are and your mother instinct is going to have to kick in if you want to survive these 2 weeks!
    From the moment they wake up to the time they go to bed, your brother needs to be sure to keep the kids on task. Check around to see if there is a day camp or some type of lessons to get the kids into, make sure you are equipped with art stuff, and kid friendly stuff besides TV and video games. This is all doable and I think you will be fine but if your brother cant handle them, you will have to.

    Sit down and talk to your brother about how you are feeling and make a plan of action together to prepare for the kids.

    I would also give your brother a strict timeline for when he needs to be out and stick to it because if you dont he will never take you seriously. And to me that becomes him taking advantage of you!

    #12 starchild

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      Posted 19 May 2008 - 05:02 AM

      So sorry...the casualties of being nice, sometimes you get the short end of the stick

      The house he got kicked out of, do he and his wife own it? I ask because if his name is on the property he should move back in and let her worry about leaving. Let a judge sort that out, it will take awhile and you'll have peace in the meantime. Women tend to act like the man has to go when there are problems, make her ass go somewhere. If they rent or it's only her property then that won't work.

      Otherwise, I agree with what was said. You need to talk about boundaries and it will be hard because it's your brother. Having that talk with my bro would be tough so I sympathize. Bottom line is your & Travis' relationship is most important because after your bro does leave that's what you'll be left with...and if Travis feels you have his back now it will be to your benefit later.

      Good luck & keep us posted :)

      #13 Jenn

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        Posted 19 May 2008 - 09:53 AM

        Sorry to hear about all of this Trisha! As hard as it will be, you really need to talk to your brother about boundaries and let him know that this situation is stressing your relationship. Sounds like he's really going through a rough patch, but maybe if he is aware of the stress you are going through, you can come up with a plan together.

        Are the kids out of school yet? If so, maybe he can take them to another family member's house for the 2 weeks? I know no one is nearby, but maybe he can go on a little trip? That way you guys get a break for a little while...

        #14 trisha0612

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          Posted 19 May 2008 - 08:45 PM

          Thank you ladies so much for your advice..as of today this is what I know...

          1. Travis DOES NOT want the kids here for the 2 weeks...there is no bed for them to sleep in, and they will be on the floor...the whole time. They will also NOT be in school...but my brother has NO MONEY saved up or anything to put them anywhere, or take them anywhere, or sleep anywhere he will have to pay for.

          2. The job he was banking on...found out today he didn't get it. Apparantly has another follow up tomorrow with a different job..keep our fingers crossed!

          3. His wife owned the property, and they are getting a divorce now, so that's not an option either.

          4. He did NOT inform me of this 2 week vacation prior to me offering my house to him. IF that was the case, i would have told him he had to change the dates with his ex wife..which apparantly is not happening either.

          5. He is depressed, and I do feel really bad about it, because I know he doesn't want to be here at all..ya know I'm his younger sister and I'm sure he doesn't want to rely on me.

          It just sucks, because I'm sally about confronting people...ugh...
          Travis & Trish
          10-10-08
          Tulum..uhh I mean Cancun, MX

          #15 LadyCheese

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            Posted 19 May 2008 - 10:18 PM

            wow Trish this is just an unfortunate situation for everyone involved (except the wife of course)...Its hard bc is your brother and has nowhere to turn but its also putting a strain on your relationship. I hope something works out really soon. Hang in there.

            #16 BarefootBride

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              Posted 19 May 2008 - 10:31 PM

              Gosh I hope it works out. BUt in the meantime can he get some kind of money coming in, even if he has to sacrifice his pride? I know a lot of people who would rather not work than to work in a particular type of job with some "status." But really, he needs to have something coming in - Maybe he should get a part time job or start working retail or a restuarant for the time being while he is putting his applications in for a real job.

              #17 PenMarie

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                Posted 20 May 2008 - 11:11 AM

                Seems to me, if they were my kids, I'd rather have them home in their own beds rather than sleeping on the floor. If your brother has his kids for two weeks because the wife is on vacation or whatever, even if SHE owns the house solely, why can't he stay at HER house with them for those two weeks --- she HAS to know the bind he's in right now...sheeeeeeees, she needs to give the guy a break.

                Also, w/this house being her house solely -- if they're getting a divorce, he may want to look into if he's entitled to anything from her house...i.e., she may have owned it before they married, but he may be entitled to any increase in the value of the house from the time he married her 'til now -- of course, with the housing market these days, that might not be much, but you never know.

                #18 jajajaja

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                  Posted 20 May 2008 - 11:27 AM

                  Quote:
                  Originally Posted by PenMarie
                  Seems to me, if they were my kids, I'd rather have them home in their own beds rather than sleeping on the floor. If your brother has his kids for two weeks because the wife is on vacation or whatever, even if SHE owns the house solely, why can't he stay at HER house with them for those two weeks --- she HAS to know the bind he's in right now...sheeeeeeees, she needs to give the guy a break.
                  This was EXACTLY what I was going to say. What kind of mother is she? My mom went through a very rough divorce when we were young and I know that there was no way in hell she would send us to stay with our dad if he didn't have a way to properly care for us.

                  Anyways, I agree with most of the suggestions provided. You have to set boundaries. You shouldn't feel like you don't have any control of the situation and your brother and the kids can just take over the house. Make the kids follow rules- give them productive things to do so they aren't bored. As for your brother, he's out of a job, so he should have time to be the parent. It sounds like he probably didn't do most of the parenting if the kids are out of control when they are with him. You could help him to step up and grab the reigns.

                  You are in a very tough situation and I think you are great person for doing this. It's not an easy road and I think your brother will know how great of a sister you are. I personally would do what you are doing because I just couldn't send a sibling packing at their worst time- especially with kids. However, I don't think you should sit idly by while people trample through your house.

                  Maybe take a weekend get-away with FI. That will give you guys a well needed break and some breathing room. I truly believe situations like this make your relationship stronger. You know that if you can get through the most stressful times, you are golden. Hang in there. You're a good person. :)
                  Happily married since 2008

                  #19 ACDCDCAC

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                  Posted 20 May 2008 - 11:49 AM

                  i'm so sorry i don't have any good advice trisha, but feel free to vent away! i may not have anything to say about it, but i'm a good listener :)
                  hope this situation turns out well for everyone involved, esp. the kiddos.

                  #20 Maura

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                  Posted 20 May 2008 - 12:09 PM

                  trish, i was just thinking about this -- what's your relationship like with your soon to be ex SIL?




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