Someone else's wedding

[LuvGrand]

OK I just need to rant for one second. I am in a friend's wedding and although I love her so much, she is really making everything expensive! I'm the only BM that is a student and so I have NO money. I'm trying to save up money to go to Europe for another friend's wedding this summer AND save up money for my own wedding. The rest of the BMs have jobs and can pay for all of this stuff. She isn't really leaving us a choice as to whether we want to pay $100 to get our hair and makeup done. Plus I bought a plane ticket, , plus the dress, plus the bachelorette party, plus a hotel and the wedding isn't until the end of May. I will probably at least $800 to come to her wedding. It's just REALLY hard but I don't want to say anything because she's already stressed out and it's her day, not mine.

Then, I started thinking, she will probably pay that much to come to my wedding in PV so maybe I shouldn't get upset right?

[DanielleNDerek]

I guess you should look at it that way, she'll be paying to come to yours so it's it'll be equally hard on her later.

 

But i understand why you are frustrated $800 is a lot of money especially when your still in school. I don't blame you for being upset. I'm not really sure what you can do about it though. sorry i'm no help.

[LuvGrand]

Quote:

Originally Posted by DanielleNDerek I guess you should look at it that way, she'll be paying to come to yours so it's it'll be equally hard on her later. But i understand why you are frustrated $800 is a lot of money especially when your still in school. I don't blame you for being upset. I'm not really sure what you can do about it though. sorry i'm no help.

That's the thing. I can't do anything about it (except whine). My boyfriend could help me out but I know he has his own things to pay for. He doesn't even have enough money to fly to the wedding so I will be going as the solo bridesmaid.

[cheese_diva]

I'm sorry you're having trouble with the $$$ part of being a BM. It's probably helpful for the current/future brides to hear about your situation as a reminder on how to treat their girls.

 

Being a BM is such an honor but when accepting remember all the responsibility financial and supporting that goes with it.

 

In the long run, you'll have the money and I'm sure you'll be glad you were part of her big day. Hang in there and just because the other BM's have jobs, they may be having $$ problems of their own. (for some, the more you make, the more you spend.)

[nikkianddean]

Quote:

Re: Someone else's wedding -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm sorry you're having trouble with the $$$ part of being a BM. It's probably helpful for the current/future brides to hear about your situation as a reminder on how to treat their girls.

this is such a great point. I am trying to keep this in mind as I plan....

[Opice34]

Oh, I was maid of honor in 3 weddings while I was still in school and I accrued quite a bit of credit card debt to pay for them. It was RIDICULOUS!!

 

I remember hating that I had such an important position when I couldn't really afford to throw them the showers that I really wanted to throw them, or buy them the gifts I really wanted to buy them....in the end, I did just about everything for them that I wanted to do. I put it on my credit card (which I do not recommend!) and paid it all off later. CC Debt is horrible and I would NEVER recommend going down that path especially if it's not for some kind of necessity to live. But I've never regretted spending money on my friends' weddings. And it is important to remember that, like you said, you're having a destination wedding and she's going to have to pay to come to your wedding too.

 

Are there maybe some things you could talk to her about? Obviously you have to get the dress, but maybe you could ask her how big of a deal it is to have your hair done? Tell her you'd do a dry run yourself and show her a picture and if she's okay with it you could save money there? You're right, it is her day, but if you are really good friends, she'll understand you're a student and maybe she'll be a bit flexible with you. It seems like in every group of girlfriends there is at least one who's really good at fixing hair. Maybe there is one in the group who could help?

 

How much do you think it's going to cost for her to come to your wedding? Is it comparable?

 

And yes this is a good post to remind us all how to treat our bridesmaids!! Thank you!

[rodent]

Quote:

Originally Posted by cheese_diva I'm sorry you're having trouble with the $$$ part of being a BM. It's probably helpful for the current/future brides to hear about your situation as a reminder on how to treat their girls. Being a BM is such an honor but when accepting remember all the responsibility financial and supporting that goes with it. In the long run, you'll have the money and I'm sure you'll be glad you were part of her big day. Hang in there and just because the other BM's have jobs, they may be having $$ problems of their own. (for some, the more you make, the more you spend.)

I don't think anyone expects to have to spend that much though. Usually the bride hasn't even thought about how much it will cost each BM. I think it's like many things in wedding planning- it gets more expensive than you originally thought. I've tried to say I can't be a BM because money was tight in college. It doesn't work. Maybe i could have been more direct, but I don't think it's easy to turn it down.

I have learned how to say no to all the other expenses that pile up though. I never get my hair & makeup done anymore. I do my own nails (sally hanson french manicure pen- it's great). I refuse matching shoes, try to find the same dress for less money...I'm sure there are more. I am not rude about it. I am just not someone who buys expensive clothes, spends a lot on hair, makeup & manicures, so it really sucks to have to do it because someone else says to. I spent more on gowns one year in college than anything else.

I agree it's an honor to be a BM. But, sometimes you just feel like a decoration. That your only purpose is to stand up there wearing a matching dress. Even some of the nicest brides can mistreat their BMs without knowing it. I don't think BMs should have to suck it up because it's the brides day unless the bride is willing to cover the cost of everything. But, I don't think a BM should be a PITA for no good reason either. I think everyone should just be considerate of each other. I do not think telling a girl in college she has to spend $100 on hair & makeup is OK. I don't think requiring anyone spend money they don't want to is OK.

I think there should be a BM bill of rights. Maybe a contract between a bride & BM. Something that covers them both. You don't know what you are getting into when you agree to be a BM. I think that is a big source of the tension.

[rodent]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Opice34 I remember hating that I had such an important position when I couldn't really afford to throw them the showers that I really wanted to throw them, or buy them the gifts I really wanted to buy them....in the end, I did just about everything for them that I wanted to do.

That is terrible. I'm really sorry you had to do that. You will probably be great to your girls.


I also learned how to put together cheap showers & bachelorette parties in college. They were always a lot of fun though.
My bachelorette party was a few weeks ago. It was a house party & didn't cost anyone much at all. We had a blast & I'm so glad none of my friends spent a lot. It was probably cheaper than a regular night out.

In the end it's about having your friends with you for support & showing them you love them. It's not about hair, makeup, dresses, and all that other stuff. I really think that gets in the way. it creates tension & starts fights. When someone else does the deciding for how someone else spends their money, it's a tricky situation.

It's so much more fun to be in a wedding where there isn't all that extra stress. Most of us can pull ourselves together to look good in pictures. I also like to look back on the pictures & know we really were happy together & not all pissed at the bride or she was mad at us. The last wedding I was in was wonderful & being in it was a blast. It really shows in the pictures. The bride was really considerate & made it great to be in her wedding.

[ErinB]

Good points Morgan.

 

FI's brother is getting married 3 weeks before us! It has put a lot of financial stress on everyone involved.

 

It is an honor to be a BM but I have NEVER been one without spending $1000. By the time you figure dress, shoes, travel, bachelorette, multiple showers, and the wedding gift!

 

I feel as a bride, if I am requiring someone to do something it is my responsibility to pay for it.

 

For example, we bought our BP attire since they were paying to come on the trip. They are on thier own for shoes because I don't care! Before we leave I'm making reservations at a spa for all of the girls to have manis and pedis, even those not coming, but I'm not paying for it.

[rodent]

Quote:

Originally Posted by JamaicaBride062108 Good points Morgan. FI's brother is getting married 3 weeks before us! It has put a lot of financial stress on everyone involved. It is an honor to be a BM but I have NEVER been one without spending $1000. By the time you figure dress, shoes, travel, bachelorette, multiple showers, and the wedding gift! I feel as a bride, if I am requiring someone to do something it is my responsibility to pay for it. For example, we bought our BP attire since they were paying to come on the trip. They are on thier own for shoes because I don't care! Before we leave I'm making reservations at a spa for all of the girls to have manis and pedis, even those not coming, but I'm not paying for it.

I agree. if the bride wants matching nails, she should pay for it. if she doesn't have the budget, then buy them the same color of nail polish. BMs never get the option to set a budget.

I also agree that if you can wear whatever shoes you want then you should pay for those. Usually I'm told black shoes & I wear black shoes I already have. Only once we bought the same shoes. It was a mistake. 1/2 the girls hated them & their feet hurt all night.

The dress thing is so tricky. It's become the standard to buy your own dress. If I had BMs, I wouldn't pay for the dresses because I bought mine for all their weddings. But, it's a tradition I really think should change. I feel the dresses should be part of the wedding budget or the girls should get to pick their own. I don't think it's wrong right now when BMs pay for dresses because that is how it's done. I just would like to see that change.