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I need advice - annoying ex of FI


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#31 LCBride2007

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    Posted 16 April 2008 - 10:51 AM

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by JessicaLovesBrian
    I agree with Ann. I don't think ultimatiums shoud be given. I hate, hate, hate that with a passion. That's such a deal breaker for me. I'm best friends with an ex who was my first love. There was a period when Brian felt uncomfortable with it, but if he ever said "it's him or me" Brian would have been gone. But instead he expressed his concern about my relationship with my ex and we talked through it. That's just my opinion though.

    It is FI's responsibility to set boundaries. I don't think you should tell him who and who he is not allowed to be friends with. You can tell him what you are uncomfortable with and if he chooses to do something that you are not cool with you need to re-evaluate your relationship from there. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm sure she is doing things that you have a valid reason to be upset about but it's really not her that's the issue, it's your FI and his desire to be friends with her that is really causing the problem.
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lambert13
    I'm a bit late to this one, but....

    I'm going to piggyback on Ann's advice.

    1. When you say that it's not him that you don't trust, it's her......what you really mean is that you don't trust him around her. If you thought he had golden intentions and unwavering fidelity, it wouldn't matter what she did because you would know that he would reject anything she tried. Not saying that it's bad to think that way, but placing the blame on her instead of him is not right.

    2. Ann was right that it is his responsibility to tell T what he wants to happen, not yours. And he can't shift the blame onto you when he talks to her. Otherwise it comes off as "I don't really want to stop talking to you, but I have to because of Jenny". That gives her an open door to keep on behaving like she is.

    3. As for the wrestling match........ whether you were there, walking towards them or 1000 miles away it is his responsibility to stop shit like that from happening. That just aint right. That should be stopped by HIM not you because he does not want to disrespect you whether you are there or not.

    4. You can't try to convince your future sister inlaw about this girl either. It's not your place. Even by 'giving your side of the story' you are trying to get her to think about T the way you do. Especially if she and T have been friends for 10 years. She obviously sees something in T that makes her want to be friends with her and it's not up to you to change it.
    Very good additions to what I was trying to say! I couldn't agree more.

    #32 Betsy

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      Posted 16 April 2008 - 10:51 AM

      OMG I would freak out too! First of all she really doesn't sound like that great of a friend to your FI - if she really was she would accept you and try to get to know you and not make you feel uncomfortable when they were around each other. I don't think there is any reason for her to remain a "friend" in your FI's life - she has had plenty of chances to make nice and she hasn't done it yet. WTF? So sorry you are dealing with this - I'm sure it is stressful - but you are the one with the ring sista! Good Luck!

      #33 PenMarie

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        Posted 16 April 2008 - 11:12 AM

        Quote:
        Originally Posted by becks
        Remember - she doesn't want FI. She only wants to know that she could if she changed her mind. So just make sure she knows that he's with you, he loves you and there's nothing in the world that will change it.
        I think Becks hit the nail on the head above -- this girl definitely doesn't WANT your FI -- it's the "game playing" that she enjoys...and the more your FI lets her get away with it, and the more she knows it bothers you, the more she'll keep it up. She sounds like one of those girls who "thinks" all guys want her and to boost herself up she has to keep telling herself this and wanting others to believe the same, including you. Thing is, they don't usually want the guy -- they just need to feel in their own warped minds that they could have him if they wanted him.

        Honestly, it doesn't even sound like your FI has a bit of interest in her either. Sounds to me like he just wants things to be peaceful since his sister is good friends with her and not have to worry about friction when you encounter her in social situations -- so maybe his explanation was a little off in asking you if the two of you could be friends with her again and he really just meant can you two just be civil with her socially.

        As long as he's just wanting you to be civil in social situations, I could deal with that...but as Ann has said, HE needs to set boundaries with her -- and make it very clear to her that it's what HE wants...that he's a grown man and is totally capable of coming up with those boundaries on his own based on his respect and love for you and your relationship.

        If she can handle it, great...if not -- it's HER problem. I wouldn't give her a second thought anymore.

        #34 Debs

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          Posted 16 April 2008 - 11:18 AM

          This is almost ver batem what happened to a friend of mine and her and her husband split up

          You need to get this resolved ASAP and BEFORE the wedding, cause it ain't going away by the sounds of it.

          BOO to BITCHES!!

          #35 Jacqueline

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            Posted 16 April 2008 - 11:23 AM

            Quote:
            Originally Posted by Ana
            I wouldn't be friends with her. You and your FI can be civil and talk to her when you're forced into a situation where she's present, but for you or your FI to go out of your ways to be her friend, I don't see it as necessary. You're feeling the way you feel for a good reason and trust your instinct. As adults you should be able to be around one another and not want to fight, but I kind of think that should be the extent of it. I've been in your situation and I said no way to being friends. My FI and I's relationship is better because of it.
            i TOTALLY agree! remain "civil" but why be friends? let me finish reading the rest of this thread.... i am fuming for u!

            #36 Jacqueline

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              Posted 16 April 2008 - 11:26 AM

              Quote:
              Originally Posted by JennyK
              Thanks for the advice ladies.. You guys are the best. It's funny how I had to get advice before talking to him. Now I got some good words for him I'll talk to him tonight about it since this wedding that we'll see her at is this Saturday.


              BTW, I got an awesomeeeeeeeeeee hot dress to wear..

              i know i know.. I want her to look at me lol
              NICE! u will have to show us pix! and also, try not to let her get under your skin too. just smile and be merry...as hard as it may be with that douche nozzle sitting at your table. did you talk to him last night?

              #37 JennyK

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                Posted 16 April 2008 - 11:32 AM

                Quote:
                Originally Posted by PenMarie
                I think Becks hit the nail on the head above -- this girl definitely doesn't WANT your FI -- it's the "game playing" that she enjoys...and the more your FI lets her get away with it, and the more she knows it bothers you, the more she'll keep it up. She sounds like one of those girls who "thinks" all guys want her and to boost herself up she has to keep telling herself this and wanting others to believe the same, including you. Thing is, they don't usually want the guy -- they just need to feel in their own warped minds that they could have him if they wanted him.

                Honestly, it doesn't even sound like your FI has a bit of interest in her either. Sounds to me like he just wants things to be peaceful since his sister is good friends with her and not have to worry about friction when you encounter her in social situations -- so maybe his explanation was a little off in asking you if the two of you could be friends with her again and he really just meant can you two just be civil with her socially.

                As long as he's just wanting you to be civil in social situations, I could deal with that...but as Ann has said, HE needs to set boundaries with her -- and make it very clear to her that it's what HE wants...that he's a grown man and is totally capable of coming up with those boundaries on his own based on his respect and love for you and your relationship.

                If she can handle it, great...if not -- it's HER problem. I wouldn't give her a second thought anymore.
                You hit it right on the head. He did say to me,"I won't be close to her like we were, I just don't want to feel uncomfortable anytime we come in contact with her." He suggested we invite her over for dinner or something and just talk things over and clear all the animosity. That way we all can understand each others feelings. I can guarantee she doesn't "want" my FI. It's the fact that before me, she counted on my FI for EVERYTHING. They always hung out, were each other's dates to everything.. and once I came into the picture, he wasn't as accessible to her. Now there was another girl in his life (me) and she had to be pushed to the rear. I don't think she liked that much. I honestly think that's why she's trying so hard to sabotage us.. because she wants her buddy back and be his "number 1" chick. He's made it very clear to me that he loves me and only sees her like a sister.. and its me he has to live with not her.

                #38 JennyK

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                  Posted 16 April 2008 - 11:34 AM

                  Quote:
                  Originally Posted by Jacqueline
                  NICE! u will have to show us pix! and also, try not to let her get under your skin too. just smile and be merry...as hard as it may be with that douche nozzle sitting at your table. did you talk to him last night?
                  girl I chickened out lol We were up all night playing Rock Band and by the time we went to sleep, it was too late to have this long convo with him. I'm gonna try again today.

                  #39 Jacqueline

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                    Posted 16 April 2008 - 11:37 AM

                    Do it when the time is right. I hope it works out!

                    #40 PenMarie

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                      Posted 16 April 2008 - 01:11 PM

                      Quote:
                      Originally Posted by JennyK
                      I can guarantee she doesn't "want" my FI. It's the fact that before me, she counted on my FI for EVERYTHING. They always hung out, were each other's dates to everything.. and once I came into the picture, he wasn't as accessible to her. Now there was another girl in his life (me) and she had to be pushed to the rear. I don't think she liked that much. I honestly think that's why she's trying so hard to sabotage us.. because she wants her buddy back and be his "number 1" chick. He's made it very clear to me that he loves me and only sees her like a sister.. and its me he has to live with not her.
                      Okay, got it. See, she sees you as a threat and only sees you as the girl that came between him and her hanging out. First, she needs to grow up and get over herself and realize that things change, people GROW UP, and do grown up things -- like getting engaged and starting a life together. She needs to do the same. It really kills me though, that she seems to have to "show herself" when she's around the two of you to prove to herself and YOU that she still has some kind of, I don't want to say hold, but some kind of attachment to him....again, she needs to get over herself.

                      As far as having her over for dinner so the 3 of you can talk about your differences or whatever...I'd have to skip on that. Ummmm, your FI needs to realize this is NOT a 3-some and needs to stop treating it as such, in a matter of speaking. This is HER problem, not yours -- there should be no reason for you to explain yourself to her, as she should not be any part of your relationship with your FI...and you don't owe her anything. You don't have to be nasty with your FI about it when you try to explain this -- it's just a matter of fact. SHE is the one acting innappropriately when she's around the two of you. If you do come off as uncivil with her when you're around her, geeeeeeeeeeeeeee --- I'd say that her "play wrestling" with YOUR FI is a good reason for that --- again, HER actions are what's causing YOUR reaction. This is HER problem -- NOT yours...treat her civily when she's in your company and be done with it and her.




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