Reasons I regret asking my sister to be my MOH (LONG vent)

[jajajaja]

Awww....best advice ever.

[amyrak]

I actually had my sister be my MOH for the fact she is great at planning and hosting parties. Being sisters we still get in tiffs (as we did this past weekend when she came down to help me find my dress) But she will be good at hosting my bachelorette party and shower. She is very creative and really helpful that way.

 

But I know how it is on keeping peace with the family. I know if I ever wanted to boot my sister from the wedding for some reason my mom would have a cow!!

[alex]

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Originally Posted by amandalovesryan Maura, this sucks! Her age should have nothing to do with this. Some people are married with kids by the time they are 22. She is really going to regret this when she gets older. I was a real b*tch to my family when I was that age and I think about it often and regret it. Hopefully she will come to her sense before it is too late and she ends up hurting you even more.

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Originally Posted by BeckyN Maura! I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. It sounds like your mom's side has given you enough issues - that your sister would realize and step up to fill some of the gap. I know she's just "22"... but as someone who's 22 I want to say grow up! Yes I know that I defintely still have my immature, high school moments... but at the same time we are old enough to take some responsibility for our lives and our obligations!

I'm only 1 year older & I must say that she shouldn't get away with acting like this due to her age! Like Becky said, I still have my moments sure, but this is just ridiculous. I am so sorry that you're having to deal with this on top of the rest of your family issues!!!
I honestly hope you can come up with a solution that will ease all the tension (& bs if I may be frank!) & that will make you happy! You are obviously a really wonderful, caring person & you need to remember that you need to make yourself happy before you can make anyone else happy!

[ACDCDCAC]

wow maur, that bites so hard. i am so sorry about her words and actions to you, that has got to be so hard. i agree with your idea to "upgrade" your BFF to your MOH, and like alyssa says you can make it all about money and time, and deal with the rest of it later IF it even comes up.

 

all my life i have grown up an only child wishing i had a sister. it truly wasn't until BDW that i realized how lucky i am to not have to deal with all that kind of sibling drama. also how lucky i am to have friends like sisters, even better cause they chose you so they'll stick with you thru thick and thin, not because they have to but because they want to!

 

maura, you know your BDW girls are here to listen! we're all each others honorary MOH

[jajajaja]

I don't think it's really the "age" factor but more the lifestyle factor. For example, some of you girls are 22 and in that mature partnership zone. I hope I wasn't self centered, but when I was 22 I wanted nothing to do with marriage. I was a single girl having fun and I remember my attitude back then was that I didn't understand why people settled down when they were still young. Of course, my attitude has changed some, but I can kinda understand how weddings/marriage can be such a foreign thought to those who aren't even close to taking that step.

 

I don't want to make excuses for Maura's sister because I totally think as a SISTER she needs to improve her attitude even if she is in that stage where weddings aren't a big deal.

 

Just wanted to explain how it's not really the age, but more the mindset. I have a 27 yr old cousin that acts like a 22 yr old. She's not even close to settling down and since college, we have kinda gone in different directions. She thinks I'm an old lady and I think she's too wild.

[Celina]

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Originally Posted by DougsGirl ........ how lucky i am to have friends like sisters, even better cause they chose you so they'll stick with you thru thick and thin, not because they have to but because they want to! maura, you know your BDW girls are here to listen! we're all each others honorary MOH

Couldn't have said it better myself Abbie! I wouldnt choose most of my family to be my friends! Now that we're 7 months out - I ended up having my best friend and another close girlfriend be my MOH and BM. They have given me NO stress and are so supportive. I do feel an emptiness because neither of my sisters are involved in my wedding. However, it's their loss and I can now start enjoying the planning like I should be! Everything will turn out for the best Maura. You'll see. XOXO - Celina

[Maura]

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Originally Posted by Nrvsbride Maura no offense but based on the IM convo it seems like your sister is passive-agressive. That drives me insane! I would rather someone just be an outright bitch and say "Maura I'm not going to your showers or your wedding, b/c it costs too much" At least then you know where someone stands. I'm sorry your going through all this trouble. You know that if you need help with anything I would be more than happy to help you. I can make phone calls, stuff envelopes, whatever you need. I'm not so crafty but I'm pretty darn organized. So let me know if you want me to help you. I think your plan is a good one. I admit that I wouldn't be able to demote my sister no matter how mean she was to me, but I think by not telling her you will avoid a huge headache from your family. Hopefully she'll be able to make it and then you won't have to worry about all this.

glenda you are so sweet. first, you are right, shes passive-aggressive, and she always has been. i hate passive-aggressive people because i think if you have something to say, just freakin say it to my face instead of being like that. it hurts less to get the direct response IMHO.

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Originally Posted by SoontobeMrsE Maura, us and our families! Your sis was driving me nuts with her responses in the PM's. It sounds obvious that your wedding is not important to her and she isn't really interested. Do yourself a favor and just ignore her. Go ahead with your plans to tell your BF about your decision to make her MOH. I wouldn't even talk to your sister about it OR the wedding. When she is interested she'll call you - if she doesn't need to get a financial bail out by then. I don't mean to sound so mean but I am so upset that the people closest to you are the ones that hurt you the most. She will be the one who regrets it when she decides to get married.

this is a good strategy i think. if/when she's interested and realizes shes being an a-hole, maybe she will call me, but i cant wait around or depend on her for anything until then.

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Originally Posted by Alyssa i think it is time you let you of all of your expectation of who 'they should be' and accept them for who they are (them being your mom, sister and that side of your family). if i was you, i would tell sister that you would like her to be a BM b/c she is your sister but the MOH role has a lot more duties and resonsbility and b/c of $ and time, you are asking your BF. make it about time and $ and not your relationship, you can get into all that after the wedding. the most important thing now is that you are surrounded by people who are supportive and caring. this really sucks and i am really sorry! xoxo

alyssa, you are so right about letting go of all expectations, no matter how fleeting. i like the idea to bring it up with her about being about money. i may not say anything to her until later on, because i just dont want to put more time and effort into fighting a fight that i cant win. i dont want to hear my aunts and cousins calling me to bitch about why i kicked my sister out or demoted her or whatever.

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Originally Posted by Jenn3878 Unlike you I dont have any conjones and haven't talked to her about her lack of participation in my wedding so I commend you on what you have said to her! YOU GO GIRL! Drop her like bad habit and get someone who is supportive of you! Now if only I could take my own advice!

thanks jenn, it took a lot for me to call her out on it, and i did feel better that i voiced my opinion because i think she may start to get why i wont be helping her in the future.

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Originally Posted by beachbride08 I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this Maura. How old is your sister? I'm not sure what to say, but I would definitely stop bailing her out. You seem like such a sweet and caring person and she is taking advantage of that. I think I would give her an option to bow down from her MOH role if she continues to be difficult and not willing to participate, that way you are not really "kicking her out", but giving her the choice to exclude herself. Good luck with whatever happens and know we are here if you need to vent.

she's 21, going to be 22 in june. i think giving her the option to bow out is also a good idea, just not sure how to go about that....

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Originally Posted by jamisoncollette Often times it is our families that make us feel the worse. Maura, you already have a great plan to bump your sister and utilize your best friend who has been available to you all along. Don't feel guilty over your decision, its best for you and everyone else. Glenda's right, your sister is being passive-aggressive. Take the power away from her and your mom, remember life is 10% of what happens to us and 90% how we react to it. Just smile, know you have made sound decisions, and limit contact to what is healthy for you. Ok, done with therapy now. Tell the selfish twit to get over herself!

thank you for reminding me about the 90% how we react. such good therapy!

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Originally Posted by BeckyN Maura! I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. It sounds like your mom's side has given you enough issues - that your sister would realize and step up to fill some of the gap. I know she's just "22"... but as someone who's 22 I want to say grow up! Yes I know that I defintely still have my immature, high school moments... but at the same time we are old enough to take some responsibility for our lives and our obligations!

thanks becky, i agree that people should take responsibility for their obligations - unfortunately, my sister doesnt see my wedding as an obligation because shes too selfish.

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Originally Posted by timelsel Maura, how much do you REALLY want your sister to be you MOH? Just to keep peace in the family? Because you feel obligated? If the answers to these are yes, then ask your BF to step in. Your sister is so self-involved she probably won't even realize she's not MOH, even on the outside chance she goes to the wedding. You've learned, as Mandy did, that people will quickly say they are coming to your wedding, but when it comes to putting your money where your mouth is, they will make all kinds of flimsy excuses as to why it is more imperative for them to stay home than to attend the most important event of your life. They will carry on with their artificially busy lives, oblivous to your feelings. In the end, you will be married to a wonderful and caring man, who you have no doubt will support you in every way, and you are blessed with the gift of his family who obviously think the world of you and would do anything for you. Go forward from here, concentrate on YOU and Jose, and make these happy times.

honestly melanie, i dont want my sister to be my MOH, i only asked her to begin with because i thought it was the right thing to do and to keep peace with my already obnoxious family. thank you so much for the motherly perspective, it honestly made me feel a lot better hearing from somebody else's mom that what i'm doing is the right thing by asking my friend to step up.

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Originally Posted by LC_Rachel I don't think it's really the "age" factor but more the lifestyle factor. For example, some of you girls are 22 and in that mature partnership zone. I hope I wasn't self centered, but when I was 22 I wanted nothing to do with marriage. I was a single girl having fun and I remember my attitude back then was that I didn't understand why people settled down when they were still young. Of course, my attitude has changed some, but I can kinda understand how weddings/marriage can be such a foreign thought to those who aren't even close to taking that step. I don't want to make excuses for Maura's sister because I totally think as a SISTER she needs to improve her attitude even if she is in that stage where weddings aren't a big deal. Just wanted to explain how it's not really the age, but more the mindset. I have a 27 yr old cousin that acts like a 22 yr old. She's not even close to settling down and since college, we have kinda gone in different directions. She thinks I'm an old lady and I think she's too wild.

rach, good point. at 22, i was a college graduate, was admitted to grad school, already started on my career by freelancing, was a responsible individual, etc etc. compared to my sister at the same age, i was much more mature and had a different mindset. i have always even been the "mom" of my group of friends because i was always the most responsible. it just irritates me that my sister cant act her age, she acts like shes 14 with her passive aggressive BS.

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Originally Posted by SoontobeMrsE Couldn't have said it better myself Abbie! I wouldnt choose most of my family to be my friends! Now that we're 7 months out - I ended up having my best friend and another close girlfriend be my MOH and BM. They have given me NO stress and are so supportive. I do feel an emptiness because neither of my sisters are involved in my wedding. However, it's their loss and I can now start enjoying the planning like I should be! Everything will turn out for the best Maura. You'll see. XOXO - Celina

celina, thats exactly how i feel, an emptiness because my sister (and whole moms side of family and mom herself) arent supportive of the wedding. its very sad to me that they cant get over their own problems to be happy that i am finally happy. i wish we lived closer, i would give you a big hug for all the support we've given each other through these rough family times!

thank you ladies, for all your kind words and advice. i discussed it with jose last night and he said -- im not kidding -- "im putting my foot down. she cant be your MOH anymore. all she does is hurt you instead of help you" hahaha

the thing is that i have always wanted to have a good sisterly relationship with my sister. i tend to be a nice person and am willing to help whomever, whenever. sometimes to the point where people take serious advantage of me. my sister is one of those people who just takes and takes but never gives back, so its very hard for me to have a relationship with her no matter how badly i want it. she always makes me feel like ive been taken for a sucker, but i somehow still feel that i have to help her because she's family. i am at the point where i am just too fed up and tired of being taken advantage of and I don't have anything else to give her unless she can give back to our relationship.

alyssa, i really like your idea about making it about money. i decided to minimize my own stress levels, my best friend needs to be upgraded to official MOH. she is the one who is there for me, always listening to everything i bitch about re: my stupid family, always willing to do things, make phone calls, whatever, took over and did my shower invitations, all while she is trying to finish completing her bar application and graduate law school. my other best friend and BM has been wonderful too, trying to help however she can.

if planning a DW has taught me nothing else, i have learned to not rely on anyone but myself and jose until people prove otherwise; and ive learned that the family you make for yourself (your friends) are the best support system you can have under these circumstances. some of my close friends have stepped up in ways i never wouldve expected them to.

BDW has been the best resource to keep me sane because a lot of you are going through similar things and can offer good advice. it helps so much just to get it off my chest to have someone listen without rolling their eyes at me and thinking im a nutbag. i am so greatful to have made so many good friends here! i love you all!

[Alyssa]

Maura, i am so glad that you have been able to work through this with us.

 

Make sure that you TELL her, not give her the OPTION, you don't want to get stuck in an even worse situation where she is still your MOH but REALLY pissed LOL.

 

just make it about other stuff and that you are thinking of 'her' blah blah. who gives an F? all that matters is that your BF becomes your MOH and you move on with no expectations on her. You and Jose (and his great family) are on the verge on starting a new life and this is an opportunity to close the door on a lot of the dysfunctional family drama behavior that your mom and sis offer!

[becks]

I agree with Alyssa - if you decide to discuss it with her, TELL her; don't ask. Otherwise the drama will run on forever.

 

I'm still a fan of letting her find out when and if she gets to Mexico.

[Duchess]

I agree, don't kick her out, but politely and civilly tell her that since it is unclear whether she will be able to make it there, she is still a BM but you need a MOH who will be present for everything.

 

I am doing a DW for the same reason, CHICAGO is expensive! As it turns out, Mexico is expensive for my guests though during xmas time!!!