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Saraha

I Gotta Personal Question/Problem ~ Women

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Damn, thanks for posting this. I spend A LOT of time feeling guilty about this. I used to be very sexually charged...and now I am like a freaking nun. It's weird. I know for me there are a million different layers:

health issues over the past 2 years (involving stress, anxiety, thyroid issues), multiple major life changes in a short period of time, going from being single & independant to married with step children, etc, etc.

 

But I think the biggest thing is that once we got into a rut it became a pattern and a power struggle. Like when I come home thinking "ok, this is it, tonight we're doing it" and something gets in the way on his end & it doesn't happen...then the next day he starts a fight with me about why we don't have sex! And then I get pissed & don't want to just give it up because he threw a fit, especially since I had great intentions the day before. Whew! Then the cycle continues. I think there is def a lot to be said for psyching yourself out a bit. If I spend some time focusing on sexy thoughts, then I can feel the drive revving up. But I forget to do this.

 

It seems like life just gets so complicated for us. Women see things in mulit-dimensional layers & we think about it all - all the time! Men are so linear & "single minded" - it's hard for them to appreciate how our brains are constantly on over load.

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Originally Posted by Kryztan View Post
Some people think psych is fake, but seriously try to telling yourself you are horny and then think about how attractive your Fi is....
I understand what you are going through. I am 24 also and have always had a low sex drive except at the beginning of the relationship. I hate that I have to work hard at it. Sometimes I wish I was just a nempho LOL I find that when I psych myself then I become really interested.

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Christa - the power struggle thing is so true for me too! I have good intentions alot of times, then he calls me to tell me he is going to a friends house or to the bar after work and then I am all salty. And then exactly what you said happens! He complains and I say, well if you had come home yesterday....

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Originally Posted by Christa View Post
But I think the biggest thing is that once we got into a rut it became a pattern and a power struggle. Like when I come home thinking "ok, this is it, tonight we're doing it" and something gets in the way on his end & it doesn't happen...then the next day he starts a fight with me about why we don't have sex! And then I get pissed & don't want to just give it up because he threw a fit, especially since I had great intentions the day before. Whew! Then the cycle continues. I think there is def a lot to be said for psyching yourself out a bit. If I spend some time focusing on sexy thoughts, then I can feel the drive revving up. But I forget to do this.

 

It seems like life just gets so complicated for us. Women see things in mulit-dimensional layers & we think about it all - all the time! Men are so linear & "single minded" - it's hard for them to appreciate how our brains are constantly on over load.

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Originally Posted by carly View Post
Christa - the power struggle thing is so true for me too! I have good intentions alot of times, then he calls me to tell me he is going to a friends house or to the bar after work and then I am all salty. And then exactly what you said happens! He complains and I say, well if you had come home yesterday....
Aren't we just a couple of handfuls! I guess it's a good start to admit this stuff. I'm at the point where I'm trying to let a lot of this crap go & create positive intentions/situations.

But check this out...we had the house to ourselves this weekend - great opportunity right? I go and get deathly ill. I've been in bed for 3 days straight - and not in the sexy kinda way. FRICK!

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no wonder this thraed got so much traffic haha.. sex topic

 

OKAYY from a guys point of view... (and im not an idiot when it comes to this. dads OBGYN and took several sexuality classes in college) so understandable that a lot of women have this problem. and i hardly eve hear that its from bc or changing the bc switches it up...

 

was the sex life ever great? or was it just like kind of bland like having a PBJ for dinner when you are hoping for a fine meal? are you two pretty adventurous? do either one of you try to spice things up? its so common for things to go down (no pun) if it hasnt really been that great to begin with. is it like lights off kind of sex every friday or have you ever just wanted to pounce on him soon as he walks in the door cause you have been wanting it all day long?

 

try little baby steps. maybe watch some ummm "adult" movies together , or bring a little toy into the bedroom or something. you alwys want to try and keep things fresh and never ever have a routine. it should be so much more then just a "deed to be done" it should be about you two sharing the most intimate connection possible together and if you dont have a healthy completely loving relationship and where you are open to each others desires it wont ever be that great..

 

i hope you break this rut and get back on track... sounds to me like you really liked it in the begining because it was exciting and new so get out there and try somehing new.. pull over into a parking garage once and have a wild romp in the back seat wink.gif

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Originally Posted by jean-marcus View Post
no wonder this thraed got so much traffic haha.. sex topic

OKAYY from a guys point of view... (and im not an idiot when it comes to this. dads OBGYN and took several sexuality classes in college) so understandable that a lot of women have this problem. and i hardly eve hear that its from bc or changing the bc switches it up...

was the sex life ever great? or was it just like kind of bland like having a PBJ for dinner when you are hoping for a fine meal? are you two pretty adventurous? do either one of you try to spice things up? its so common for things to go down (no pun) if it hasnt really been that great to begin with. is it like lights off kind of sex every friday or have you ever just wanted to pounce on him soon as he walks in the door cause you have been wanting it all day long?

try little baby steps. maybe watch some ummm "adult" movies together , or bring a little toy into the bedroom or something. you alwys want to try and keep things fresh and never ever have a routine. it should be so much more then just a "deed to be done" it should be about you two sharing the most intimate connection possible together and if you dont have a healthy completely loving relationship and where you are open to each others desires it wont ever be that great..

i hope you break this rut and get back on track... sounds to me like you really liked it in the begining because it was exciting and new so get out there and try somehing new.. pull over into a parking garage once and have a wild romp in the back seat wink.gif
LOL OMG that was pretty entertaining!
Yeah sex was great at the beginning! Actually we spent two years away from eachother and saw eachother about once a month and when we did, watch out LOL it was ON!!
But now we live together, in a routine... same ol same ol. Maybe I just need to tell him to move away again LOL

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Originally Posted by Saraha View Post
But now we live together, in a routine... same ol same ol. Maybe I just need to tell him to move away again LOL
see routine is such a mood killer. its like i dread thursdays because that means i have to take out all the recycling. its not even that big of a deal but its just something i nknow i have to do.

you seriously have to break the routine.. theres no excitement in sex any more so whats the joy in having it... take it upon yourself to kick start this sex life back up again... im not saying become a dominatrix over night haha... but suprise him.. lets make that spark happen again. how about a little road action while he is driving sometime .

hopefully that will trigger him to be more adventurous as well. maybe treat you to a nice little get away for some sexy alone time wink.gif

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Oh your so not alone.. My FI always gets on me saying "were not even married.. were only 25! " So yeah.. I think it is just women in general.. I mean there are some out there who are addicts but i am not one of those girls I guess.

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Originally Posted by Adinu View Post
I've been having a similar issue as well. I think in part mine has to do with the birth control pill that I'm on. Its a pretty common side effect. For the first part of our relationship I wasn't on it but after I started my drive has gone out the window. But I don't think its only caused by that so I don't want to blame all of it on the pill. Also, before I met my FI I was in really good shape. Running and working out with a trainer etc. I had a good eating regiment and I was really proud of the way I looked. Once I met Michael and I moved to Vancouver my workout/eating routine went out the window and I got a bit soft again. Since I feel gross about myself I find it hard to feel sexy and want to be intimate. I can't remember whether I read this somewhere or if I saw it on tv...but I remember a counsellor saying that for women their sex drive is influenced by a million little things, diet, body perception, emotional intimacy, stress etc... anything can sort of throw it off. Usually though its issues within ourselves that we need to workout.

For me too, because we live together I find its easy to be lazy, and just put it off. Its hard with work, studying, workingout, keeping the house from falling apart etc.. to have alot of extra time, so its easy to say I'm tired and I don't feel like it...lol. Actually my friend was saying she never feels like it anymore but just does it anyways, because even if you don't really want to at that moment, you never say to yourself "oh boy I wish I hadn't done that" once its over. Chances are you are happy...so maybe the trick for me is to just suck it up and do it. As well as continuing to try and workout and get back on track with my body, because if I feel good it will show I think.
Wow, I think you just described me. And here I thought I was completely crazy for feeling like this. I'm so glad to hear you girls talking about this.

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