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FMIL wants me to call her mom...


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#1 Agape Gems

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    Posted 21 March 2008 - 01:49 AM

    I know lots of brides have serious issues with their FMIL's so this probably seems kinda silly to be worried about, but how do you politely tell her that you think its weird to call her "mom"? It's such a nice gesture and since FI is her only child and she always wanted a daughter I know she really wants me to call her that, but I already have a mom and she's enough!!!
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    #2 starchild

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      Posted 21 March 2008 - 03:11 AM

      Akward...I guess it's flattering (in a weird never-had-a-daughter kind of way) but if you don't want to, you don't want to. I would just not call her mom and if she put me on the spot I would nicely say something like "aww come on, I like calling you "x"..." or "you're "x" to me, you know I love you". Then change the subject and keep it moving...haha

      #3 dragonfly

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        Posted 21 March 2008 - 03:18 AM

        just tell her you feel honoured but you are really not comfortable calling her mom, and hope that she understands. It is nice however that she wants you too. I spent 12 years calling my ex mil nothing, avoiding when I had to use a name for her, it was awkward. I asked my ex husband to talk to her, and he told her I didn't know what to call her and could she tell me to call her mom, she says when Kelly feels comfortable she will call me mom, wtf, you have just been told that I am uncomfortable and she was such a bit@h that she would never have put herself out there for me.

        My mil now I just call by her first name, it was a no brainer considering the age I was when E and I got married. Not that she suggested it either, so you are lucky your fmil has made it clear she wants you to call her mom:)

        #4 StephanieMN

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          Posted 21 March 2008 - 09:05 AM

          I agree that you can just make it sort of light hearted next time she brings it up.

          It was decided a while back between FH and I that we would not be calling our FMIL's "mom". I know if I rasied a child and he/she got married and started calling another person mom it might be hard to handle. It would be like FH calling someone else his wife. Kinda odd.
          My BIL does call my mother "Mama xxx" he is kind of a funny guy so he can pull it off...doesn't sound creepy.

          #5 BillysBride

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            Posted 21 March 2008 - 09:23 AM

            PLEASE don't take this the wrong way....but I just want to throw it out there, because I think its worth saying. I hope you aren't offended in any way.

            Why don't you just ...marinate on it a while? lol..what I mean is, think on it. And don't think of it as a way of dishonoring your real mother or having some deeper meaning about how you feel about your real mom. Your mother in law WILL be your well, mother in law! And like you said, its beautiful that she has asked you to do this. Refusing could really hurt her, and I'm not saying you should agree to something you feel strongly against, just saying perhaps you shouldn't REFUSE without a lot of thought. This is your fiance's mom...a woman who, other than you, he has the closest relationship to I imagine. Someone he loves and would do anything for (I'm presuming a lot in terms of your FH having a typical mommy/son relationship with her)but this could set the tone for the next 20-30 YEARS with this woman. I'm not sure there IS a way to refuse it without hurting her feelings, especially if part of the reason she is reaching out in this way is because she loves you enough to consider you the daughter she never had. You have to do whats right for you, absolutely. I'm just saying, consider your answer carefully and don't necessarily go with your knee jerk response. From what you said, I'm assuming your refusal is more about your mother and not wanting to dishonor her in some way. How much time will you be spending with FMIL? How often will you guys be seeing her in your day to day lives? How far away does she live?

            Don't assume this is something your mom will mind. I used to, but now that I have kids of my own, I realize that there is NOTHING that will take away what I do for them in raising them and I'm raising them TO grow up and have families of their own. Part of that is having MIL's and I won't those relationships to be good for them. I want them to have someone else they can depend on and turn to. And I don't think it will take away from me being "mom" at all for them to have a second mother figure in their lives. I want it for them.

            Obviously, if you don't like her or don't get along with her, its a different story. If you know you just CANNOT EVER feel a real closensee to her. Anyway, I'm not saying it will make or break your relationship with her. I guess I just wanted to give you something to consider in hopes that this isn't a topic that she is dead set on or that will truly hurt her feelings. I'm not sure theres a graceful way out of it, but if you feel strongly about it you ABSOLUTELY must refuse. Again, hope I didn't offend.
            Savannah

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            #6 lucy106

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              Posted 21 March 2008 - 09:23 AM

              I think honesty is definitely the best policy on this one (not to sound like a corn ball). But if you go with the flow then you are making yourself feel weird so for me I try to make a joke out of a lot of things especially akward situations. So as you said maybe make a comment about how "one mom is more then you can handle so how about you call her _____". I swear my FI got off easy, we all call my mother "Moo" and my dad "Chief" so thats what he gets to call them too. Its not mom and dad. Its easy for him...me on the other hand, I am currently doing the avoiding nonsense. Ugh!

              #7 Gretchen

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                Posted 21 March 2008 - 09:41 AM

                For me, this is less of an issue. When I was younger (Jr High/High School) I somehow ended up calling a lot of people "mom". (mostly the mom's of friends - was easier than remembering their names!)
                So, I think I just sort of go back and forth. Sometimes I call her by her name, and sometimes I call her Mom. Whatever comes out. But, she does the same - sometimes refers to herself as mom and others by her name. She has also never requested that I call her one thing or another.
                Hope you figure out something that will work for you both! Too bad there aren't more choices like for Dads.... If it were the FFIL I would suggest "Pops"! : )
                Gretchen "GiGi"

                #8 Agape Gems

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                  Posted 21 March 2008 - 09:50 AM

                  Thanks for the input ladies. Its good to hear other thoughts aside from all the ones in my head! I guess I should have explained the situation a tad bit more...

                  My FMIL and I get along very well, She has always been extremely nice to me. She started dropping the "mom-bomb" on me about a year ago when we got engaged. Luckily for me she and I communicate mostly over email and text message so its kinda easy to just avoid giving an answer. When it has come up in person the convo went something like this:
                  FMIL- Call me mom
                  Me- ok, Ms. Jane. So how about this weather....

                  I guess the main reason it seems weird is that FI and I have been together for 8 years, so I'm just used to calling her by her name. Its probably my personality too, I'm not girly, lovey-dovey, touchy... she also tells me she loves when we get off the phone or if we are leaving her house. I always feel awkward b/c I feel obligated to say it back, but the only people in the world I say I love you to are FI and my mom. I'm also very sure that it would bother my mom if she heard me calling her mom.

                  FI calls my mom by her first name or jokingly calls her "moms". I'm sure I'm worry much more about this than is necessary.
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                  #9 BillysBride

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                    Posted 21 March 2008 - 10:25 AM

                    Quote:
                    Originally Posted by twelve_piece
                    I guess the main reason it seems weird is that FI and I have been together for 8 years, so I'm just used to calling her by her name. Its probably my personality too, I'm not girly, lovey-dovey, touchy... she also tells me she loves when we get off the phone or if we are leaving her house. I always feel awkward b/c I feel obligated to say it back, but the only people in the world I say I love you to are FI and my mom. I'm also very sure that it would bother my mom if she heard me calling her mom.

                    FI calls my mom by her first name or jokingly calls her "moms". I'm sure I'm worry much more about this than is necessary.
                    Same thing here. In some ways, I think its cultural unfortunately. But FH's family IS bringing that whole dynamic into my life and I think maybe I'm better for it. Its been awkward for me...all the "I love you's" because I truly always haven't been much for saying that to everyone in my life except for FH and the kids really. But I've gotten better and I think thats a good thing! I know it wouldn't have ever happened if not for his family...mom and sister especially.
                    Savannah

                    http://i17.photobuck....inecollage.jpgThe Fab Four (my quads) Meryn, Kellen, Nico & Layla
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                    #10 Debs

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                      Posted 21 March 2008 - 10:25 AM

                      Mom is one thing, but I love you's are something different alltogether.

                      EEP!




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