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Leslie-Xcaret09

FIL's dont want us having DW...WTF

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okay we have been planning our DW for months. We discussed having a DW before we even got engaged and the day we got engaged (christmas) we reminded everyone of it. We sent out our STDs this weekend and my family is extremely excited. I havent heard anything from his parents so I emailed FMIL and asked her if she got the STD and she replied "yea, they are nice". OK so my next email was...did you go to our wedding website and check it out..and she replies "no i havent gotten there yet". OK WTF....havent gotten there yet but you are obviously online now since you are emailing me right back. So FI went to his parents tonight and they dropped hints that they do not want us to have a DW and its not fair that one of his brothers cant afford to go, and his grandfather cant go...blah blah blah.

 

Why wouldnt they bring any of this up in the past few months that we have been planning?? Why wait til we put our deposit down?? Now my family, coworkers, and friends are excited and plan on coming.....do I have to send out a "nevermind about this trip that you are all looking forward to, we are going to get married home".

 

Our hearts were set on a DW but now FI is wondering if its a bad idea?!

 

UGHHHHHHHH wtf.gif

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the answer to the question above is simply no. if a DW is what YOU and your FI want, then people, including family members, need to accept that whether they like it or not. if someone cant afford to go, that shouldnt make you change your plans for one person. my grandmother is having hip replacement surgery 2 months before my wedding and cant come. we will invite her to the civil ceremony, but that doesnt mean we're going to cancel our DW. the wedding is about you and FI and what you as a couple want. i wish people would get that, but they often for some reason think your wedding day is about accomodating them.

 

for me, my family has been a total PITA. i am sort of hoping none of them show up at this point. none of them have committed to coming, and my parents are hemming and hawing about the cost to go, even though we have offered to cover part of the cost. if planning a DW has taught me nothing else, i have learned that you cannot please everyone all of the time, therefore you should do what pleases yourself. dont worry you are not alone -- many of us here have experienced what you are going through. feel free to vent about it, it helps just to get it off your chest. sending you a big hug!

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I totally understand! You should do what is best for you and your honey! Thats it. If your hearts were set on a DW then..... DW it is... People are going to have something to complain about either way, so if they are going to complaint then you should make sure YOU are having a good time.

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Quote:
Originally Posted by mauraw View Post
the answer to the question above is simply no. if a DW is what YOU and your FI want, then people, including family members, need to accept that whether they like it or not. if someone cant afford to go, that shouldnt make you change your plans for one person. my grandmother is having hip replacement surgery 2 months before my wedding and cant come. we will invite her to the civil ceremony, but that doesnt mean we're going to cancel our DW. the wedding is about you and FI and what you as a couple want. i wish people would get that, but they often for some reason think your wedding day is about accomodating them.

for me, my family has been a total PITA. i am sort of hoping none of them show up at this point. none of them have committed to coming, and my parents are hemming and hawing about the cost to go, even though we have offered to cover part of the cost. if planning a DW has taught me nothing else, i have learned that you cannot please everyone all of the time, therefore you should do what pleases yourself. dont worry you are not alone -- many of us here have experienced what you are going through. feel free to vent about it, it helps just to get it off your chest. sending you a big hug!

thank you so much..i feel a little better knowing that I am not alone. I am actually at work right now and just about in tears because it is so frustrating. I feel bad....but maybe I shouldnt?? My parents are paying for most of our wedding and are helping my brother and sister and their families get there. If FI's parents dont want us getting married without his siblings there....maybe they could help pay for them to get there....they arent paying for any of the wedding. I would start offering to help people pay but then it gets into....if i help this one then i have to help that one and so on....

thank you again smile03.gif

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Definitely do what you want to do. If your hearts are set on this, don't change your plans for anyone else. All that matters are you & FI. Remember that no matter what you do, you can not & will not please everyone. Someone will have something to say no matter what you do, where you do it & how you do it. If this is the case, you may as well be happy & do things the way that you want them done.

 

This is your day, not theirs. You'll have to live with these memories for a lifetime. Why sacrifice your happiness just to make your wedding convenient for other peoplehuh.gif Just think about those that are ready, willing & able to travel with you & FI. Those are the people that support you & thats what you should think about. I know its probably easier said than done, but try to go ahead with your plans & just put the negativity behind you.

 

I cringe everytime I think about how close I was to canceling our DW & changing the location just to satisfy my family members who don't want to travel!!! Too bad for them cuz I plan on having the time of my life, without them! It did take me a while to get to this point & get over the bad feelings/disappointment of those not coming, but I'm over it now & so glad that I got here.

smile03.gif

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glad my grand revelation could help somebody else cheesy.gif

 

remember also: there will ALWAYS be SOMBODY who complaints about SOMETHING... NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO! focus on making yourselves happy. if they don't come, or want to complain, thats sad but their problem and not yours. through this process, i have definitely realized who my real friends are, and which of my family members i can count on (which sadly for me, is really none of them, but rather my FI's family has been my rock).

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To read this brought back so many feeling that I had exactly! We even got engaged on the same day as you.

 

I have come to the conclusion, that weather we were to have a DW or a local wedding we would not make everyone happy. So we might as well do what our hearts tell us and have the wedding we hope to have, not what they hope that we have!

 

Because in the long term, 20 years from now, and after all the hoopla is over, everyone would have either dealt with their feelings and gotten over them, or they would not matter any longer. It's about the bigger picture. It's about the couple. Do what feels good for you, if we start to give in now then we will always have to.

 

Why is it that when there is a wedding / a baby people who are close to us start to give us ideas of how they think we should handle things, even if it is not needed. We do not all work the same way, that is what makes life interesting.

 

When there is a problem, think about it as if you were listening to the problem as a friend, what would your suggestion be to herhuh.gif That is what you should do about the problem, listen to yourself. And don't feel guilty, it will come out in the wash!

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I couldn't agree more with everything Maura said!!

 

It's your wedding and your special day. If a DW is your dream then make it happen. If they don't want to come it's their loss.

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I also agree with Maura and my situation was pretty similar to yours. My family, coworkers and friends were SO excited about going to Hawaii and my FI's parents and family were so negative about it. FI's brother won't be coming because he couldn't get his shit together.. and FI's parents finally got their airplane tix and condo rented.. but it took about 8 months for them to do it or warm up to the idea that we weren't changing our minds and they would hafta travel if they wanted to see their other son married..

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